
Greetings, all. Ambush Bug here with another AICN HORROR: ZOMBIES & SHARKS column. This week, I’m doling out two columns since there’s just so much horror coming out right now. I’m not saying it’s all great, but it’s all horror. Be sure to look for my second horror column tomorrow!
On with the horror reviews!
(Click title to go directly to the feature)
Retro-review: X-RAY (1982)/SCHIZOID (1980)
RACE WAR: THE REMAKE (2012)
AN AMERICAN GHOST STORY (2012)
DRINKING GAMES (2013)
HAROLD’S GOING STIFF (2011)
SCENIC ROUTE (2013)
And finally…Chad Crawford Kinkle’s ORGAN GRINDER!

X-RAY (1982)/SCHIZOID (1980)
Retro-reviewed by Ambush Bug
aka HOSPITAL MASSACRE, WARD 13, BE MY VALENTINE OR ELSE…
Directed by Boaz Davidson
Written by Marc Behm & Boaz Davidson<
Starring Barbi Benton, Charles Lucia, Jon Van Ness, John Warner Williams, Den Surles, Gloria Jean Morrison, Karen Smith, Michael Frost, Jimmy Stathis
X-RAY was quite possibly one of the most unintentionally hilarious horror films I’ve seen in a long time. I was initially intrigued by the premise, which focuses on a man obsessed with Barbi Benton’s character Susan, reworking her hospital records to make her have to stay in one of the creepiest hospitals ever. Though Susan cluelessly goes along with whatever the doctors tell her to do, the level of ludicrous is set to 11 from start to finish.

The hospital also houses some of the most inept and callous doctors ever put on screen as they fail to inform Susan why they are keeping her and even force her to disrobe for an especially slow and uncomfortable examination from a silver-mulletted doc. Every movement, be it a simple shot for a blood sample, a blood pressure test, or even a reflex test, is performed in super slo mo to add to the creep effect. And Susan just let them do it. I understand this was a day and age before sexual harassment and the like was a major thing in terms of getting up in arms about it, but man does Susan put up with a lot. On top of that, they leave the examination window open so any old perv can walk by for a peek. And that actually happens.

The creep factor is on infinity with this film, helmed by EXPENDABLES Producer Boaz Davidson. Davidson doesn’t miss a cliché and amps the scares to a level that encourage mocking. Still, I haven’t had so much fun with a film in ages and if you’re in for more unintentional laughs than scares and are seeking out a movie to mock, X-RAY is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Check out the scene below for an example of how laughable this film is!

Aka MURDER BY MAIL
Directed by David Paulsen
Written by David Paulsen
Starring Klaus Kinski, Donna Wilkes, Marianna Hill, Craig Wasson, Richard Herd, Joe Regalbuto, Christopher Lloyd, Flo Lawrence
Though far from being as entertaining as X-RAY, SCHIZOID has quite a few things going for it: a twisty turny plot, some nice American giallo-esque stylings, some Craig Wasson goodness, and of course, the incomparable Klaus Kinski.

Kinski is the highlight of this film, as the actor can’t reel in the creep enough to make you think he is anyone but the killer wiping out the group. He peeps in on his troubled teenage daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes) in the shower, makes weird phone calls in the night from phone booths, and has full contact fights with his daughter while Julie is over for dinner. Let’s not even get into the ethical pretzel he is getting himself into by sleeping with his client. Here Kinski is intense as he ever was, even during the passionate love making scene which still oozes nothing but creep.

SCHIZOID is much more of a subtle whodunit than the other film it’s packaged with in this two disc set, but with Kinski’s performance, Wasson delivering a nice performance that’s a bit different than his usual roles as a sensitive patsy, and the mystery of the killer flipping and flopping right up until the abrupt end, it is equally memorable. Buy this disk for X-RAY, but SCHIZOID won’t disappoint either.

RACE WAR: THE REMAKE (2012)
Directed by Tom MartinoWritten by Tom Martino
Starring Howard Calvert, Jamelle Kent, Danny McCarty, Sam Rivas, Kerryn Ledet, Corey Fuller, Coady Allen, Tom Martino
Find out more about this film here
Reviewed by Ambush Bug
I can’t say RACE WAR: THE REMAKE is a good film. It’s not. It’s amateurly shot, acted, and put together on a shoestring. Still, I have to admit, despite the crude way the film is slapped together, I found it to be surprisingly funny, delightfully crude, and surprisingly introspective in regards to intercultural relations. I know it’s surprising to hear that given the title, but hey, that’s what’s so appealing about this train wreck of a masterpiece of offensiveness.
My experience with the talk of the street is limited to old school 80’s and 90’s rap, so forgive me if my terminology is off.
Howard Calvert plays Baking Soda, an unapologetic thug who deals crack and lives the gangsta lifestyle. After putting in a long day of slangin’ rocks with his homie G.E.D., he spends the rest of the time sippin’ forties and maxin’ and relaxin’. Everything is chill until a new drug hits the streets that is stealing his clientele and Baking Soda is forced to pop caps and bust skulls on the evil white devils looking to steal profit from his business. Along with his homie G.E.D. and an alien named Creech, Baking Soda stages an assault against the cracka-ass crackers that are tryin’ to step up and steal his game.

While a lot of the situations are derivative of other better films such as FIGHT CLUB, THEY LIVE (the bubblegum line is borrowed and slaughtered here), and other macho films, causing me to groan a whole hell of a lot, the film also gets a lot of the humor right. Most of the time, this is due to repetition and consistency within the story. Creech, for example, never says a word other than dolphin squeaks and frog chirps set to old time monster movie music. But the fact that this music is played every single time Creech is on screen proved to be funny to me. Other idiotic moments of genius include a rap that G.E.D. spews while brushing his teeth entitled “I Brush Mah Muther Fuckin’ Teeth!” that had me rolling.
Crude, rude, and racist beyond belief, RACE WAR: THE REMAKE spoofs everyone including whites, Jews, Asians, Middle Easterners, and even African Americans in ways that will make any PC-minded person quake in their boots. Though at times the execution and presentation is as amateur as it gets, RACE WAR: THE REMAKE is pretty sophisticated in its presentation of cultural relations and how all of us are guilty of racism every now and then. It doesn’t offer any solutions or anything like that, but it does have its moments where we can laugh at everyone for how ridiculous we all can act sometimes.

AN AMERICAN GHOST STORY (2012)
aka REVENANTDirected by Derek Cole
Written by Stephen Twardokus
Starring Stephen Twardokus, Liesel Kopp, Jon Gale, Wendy Haines
Find out more about this film on Facebook here
Reviewed by Ambush Bug
One of the more endearing aspects of old timey horror is the old sheet-wearing ghost. Sure, the flowing mattress cover is supposed to signify the ethereal and amorphous nature of a ghostlike entity, but unless you’re three years old, it’s most likely not going to scare you. AN AMERICAN GHOST STORY is a pretty great movie, but aside from all of that, the fact that it makes a person under a sheet scary deserves some kind of special recognition.

Twardokus also wrote this film, and his performance reflects that he is taking things seriously. He does a good job playing a driven writer and makes for an accessible person to cling to when the creepy things start happening. Again, the haunting stuff is nothing we haven’t seen done to death in everything from POLTERGEIST to PARANORMAL ACITVITY with drawers being opened, doors creaking, and furniture stacking. But once the sheets are used, this film becomes a whole different monster.

AN AMERICAN GHOST STORY may be somewhat predictable, but it works, especially in the second half when the sheet hits the fan and ghosts start popping up all over the place. I didn’t think too much of this film when I started it, but by the end, I was surprised at how effective this little ghost story turned out to be.

DRINKING GAMES (2012)
Directed by Ryan GielenWritten by Blake Merriman
Starring Rob Bradford, Blake Merriman, Nick Vergara, Mike Pennacchio, Katy Wright-Mead, Joshua Sterling Bragg, Riccarda Natalie, Adriana DeGirolami, Regan Lutz
Find out more about this film on Facebook here
Reviewed by Ambush Bug
You don’t always have to have a high body count in horror. Sometimes the most effective and creative horror films don’t have a body count at all. Death is almost the easiest horror to exploit in this genre, mostly because it is a fear we all have. But horror can be experienced in different ways. Some of the most effective films that I have been genuinely horrified by are the early films of Neil LeBute, specifically YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, IN THE COMPANY OF MEN, and especially THE SHAPE OF THINGS as Rachel Weisz’s character builds up the hopes of hopeless schlub Paul Rudd only to decimate him in the end. These films highlighted the ugliness of normalcy, an ugliness we all have and possess within us should we choose to use it in regards to the way we interact with one another. I bring all of this up because at first glance, DRINKING GAMES is not a horror movie at all, but if you look at the way the characters treat one another, it truly is a horrifying experience.

Adding to the chaos of Snowmageddon, which is taking place all around this room, is the force of nature known as Noopie (Rob Bradford). If you went to college, you know this guy. Charming and manipulative beyond his years, conscience nil, arch-nemesis to responsibility—-that’s Noopie in a nutshell. Shawn allows Noopie to sleep over even though he does not go to the school, or any school as far as we know. He’s just a guy who loves to party—-asically, everything Richard is not. Despite Richard’s best efforts, Noopie manages to worm his way into Richard’s home, his complex relationship with his friend/girlfriend, and everything else in his life. Richard and Noopie’s sensibilities (or lack thereof, in Noopie’s case) is the central conflict of the film with Shawn stuck in the middle.

DRINKING GAMES is a dangerous and bold film, shoving a whole lot into a very tiny space and watching it all crash into each other in order to get footing. With dialog that is crisp, funny, and diabolical all at once, this film will surprise you as it dives into depths one might not be prepared to go given the familiar setting.

HAROLD’S GOING STIFF (2011)
Directed by Keith WrightWritten by Keith Wright
Starring Stan Rowe, Sarah Spencer, Andy Pandini, Lee Thompson, Richard Harrison, Phil Gascoyne, Molly Howe
Find out more about this film here and here!
Reviewed by Ambush Bug
Though I reviewed this last year, I told you all I’d let you know when it will be available for the masses and here it is! On with my review…
I hear your complaints about zombie films, but with the subtitle of this column being “Zombies & Sharks”, it’s kind of hard not to give them coverage here on AICN HORROR. Like a lot of you, I’m getting sick of all of the zombie films out there with zero creativity and production value. That said, I don’t want to call a moratorium on watching zombie films because I know that if I do, I’d miss films like HAROLD’S GOING STIFF. Though the title may make you think we’re about to venture into porn territory, HAROLD’S GOING STIFF couldn’t be further from it. I think it’s safe to say that HAROLD’S GOING STIFF is going to be one of my favorite horror films of the year.

Filmed as a mockumentary, director/writer Keith Wright blends humor, drama, and horror to make one of the most unique and original zombie horror films I’ve ever seen. Wright doesn’t focus on the gore or the violence; rather, he rests his camera on Harold (played by the genuinely wholesome Stan Rowe) and Penny, his nurse (played by the plucky and resilient Sarah Spencer). You can’t help but care for these two characters as we see them struggle with all the highs and lows of someone suffering from a debilitating ailment. These two characters are as endearing as can be, with Harold’s soft-spoken pleasantry perfectly complimenting Penny’s vibrant optimism. As Penny’s therapy begins to work with Harold, I found myself rooting for both of these characters to conquer this disease.

I love every aspect of this film. Like all of the best zombie films, it actually has something to say. I took it as a metaphor for the treatment of the elderly in society—shunning them, outcasting them, shuffling them off to some facility to be forgotten and mistreated, and eventually deciding ourselves when to put them down. As Harold’s illness worsens, he is taken advantage of and manipulated by the “villains” of this film. Being the person he is, Harold softly sits by and takes the abuse, with Penny being his only supporter and true friend.

I can’t champion this film enough. HAROLD’S GOING STIFF is one of the reasons I put this column together. It’s unique and fresh, offering a new take on a subgenre of horror that has very little life in it anymore. If you’re going through zombie film fatigue, one look at HAROLD’S GOING STIFF will definitely shut the haters up and prove that when done well, great zombie films can still be made. HAROLD’S GOING STIFF will make you feel feelings you never thought you’d feel while watching a zombie film. I laughed and cried and laughed again. It’s a truly endearing achievement of a film and should be sought out by all readers of this column.

SCENIC ROUTE (2013)
Directed by Kevin Goetz, Michael GoetzWritten by Kyle Killen
Starring Josh Duhamel, Dan Fogler, Miracle Laurie, Christie Burson
Find out more about this film here and on Facebook here
Reviewed by Ambush Bug
SCENIC ROUTE starts off as if it is another buddy comedy that should have starred Zack Galifianakis and maybe Bradley Cooper as two likable guys head on down the road for a good old-fashioned road trip to recapture their youth as they grow into adulthood. It could be a comedy of errors about life, with both parties coming out of the whole situation with a new outlook on the world around them and their place in it. SCENIC ROUTE could be one of those films, but it’s not.

Though a few other cast members pop up here and there, this is Duhamel and Fogler’s time to shine as actors and they do a fantastic job with it. Both represent the extremes of adulthood (acceptance and refusal) perfectly and the roles they have played before, with Duhamel being often cast as the sensitive eye of affection for the ladies and Fogler being the slapstick comedian, work to the actors’ advantage as not a whole lot of their back story is told. It’s really just two guys in a car broken down in the desert slowly, yet violently picking each other apart.

In many ways, SCENIC ROUTE feels more like the grungy kind of man movies of the 70’s which really dissected what it meant to be a man in complex world. It challenges preconceptions and assumptions and forces its characters to look at the decisions they have made in life. Duhamel and especially Fogler (who has had a kickass year with this and his role on NBC’s HANNIBAL) are going to surprise you if you give this simple yet effective trip into terror a chance.
And finally…Chad Crawford Kinkle, the director of JUG FACE (reviewed here), has a very cool short film called ORGAN GRINDER about a woman who cleanses men possessed by demons in a very unique way. It’s most definitely a concept that I’ve never seen and more evidence that Kinkle is someone to be on the lookout for in horror. Check it out!
See ya next week, folks!




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