Hallenbeck and Goldfinger got into seeing BASEketball, ya know Directed by a wacky Zucker and starring Trey Parker and Matt Stone (yeah those wacky South Park types). This is the perfect type a film for someone like Hallenbeck, and he shows it. Of course beware the hefty doses of language use, he's sure to offend some of ya...
I, THE MIGHTY JOE HALLENBECK, braved the high waters and torrential rain and managed to attend the very first Test Screening of BASEketball. For those of you knuckleheads out there that have yet to hear of the film, let me give you some insight as to who is involved in this project:
Director/Co-Writer - David Zucker
Stars - Trey Parker and Matt Stone(probably contributed to the writing chores as well)
Now, if you don't know who these 3 Gents are then GET THE FUCK OFF THIS PAGE AND GO READ THE SHIT MR. SHOWBIZ PRINTS UP!!!
Anywho... before I get on with my review I'd like to take this next paragraph to bid a fond farewell to one of my all time favorite TV Shows...that one with Jerry and the gang.
Back in the summer of '89(man, what a great fuckin summer...unlike the piece of shit one we have coming up!), a little pilot premiered on NBC right after Cheers(I miss that show) called The Seinfeld Chronicles. What a piece of shit that was. I was shocked and somewhat dismayed to hear the show was picked up. I watched the damn thing everytime it was on(if you remember correctly, the show bounced all over the schedule...Thur at 9:30...Wed at 9:30...Wed at 9:00...and so on), but wasn't too impressed by it. It wasn't until the 3rd season when I realized what a truly ingenius show this was. Everything really started to click(creatively speaking). I found myself literally obsessed with the show. My whole life revolved around it. Seasons 3 and 4 were two of the funniest years in televison history. I thank God I was around to witness it(unlike when MTM and MASH were in their prime). As the season's went by the show started losing it's touch. I figured out why - a show that was once about nothing suddenly became about something. However, that didn't affect my love for the show. It was still close to my heart, but me noggin' was getting a bit disparaged. It's true, there were moments of pure genius that popped up every once in awhile, but not with the same consistency as they used to. Yada-yada-yada...the show's final episode airs in a day. What will I, one of the biggest Sein-freaks around, be doing when it's on? -- Balling his eyes out...either from missing the show or laughing too hard. I did weep, however, after I managed to get on the set of the show right before they filmed the last episode. To be granted carte blanche on the set of Seinfeld was a dream come true. To sit in Monk's Cafe and to see Jerry entire bathroom was an experience I'll never forget. It has become my Rosebud. I'm glad to say I was there before it ended. I'm also glad to hear the true genius behind the show wrote the last episode. As to what it's about...I don't know. If I were writing it I'd have Jerry and the gang move to LA. Jerry becomes a talk show host. Elaine finds the man of her dreams(who is Puddy in my eyes, but that ain't gonna happen). George becomes a TV critic. And Kramer...well, the K-Man becomes an actor on a sitcom for NBC.. Afterall, they need a show to replace the one that's leaving. I'm not saying that's it, but that's what I'd do. I'd also do this -- Have Jerry call George Biff one last time. Me gotsta hear my man call Georgey-boy that once more!
Give me a moment to wipe the tears from my eyes...
There we go. Enough of Seinfeld and one with the review. The review I'm about to write will be quite different from most of my reviews. The structure will be different as well as the content.
So, pull up a swiveling chair, chug down that morning coffee and let I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, tell how good BASEketball is....
The Stuff that Worked(aka The Laughs):
First off, let me just say that everyone who was involved in this production is a bastard...and that's a good thing. You're all bastards because you broke me...you made me cry. I was sobbing during two particular parts of the movie and not because it was a sad scene. Tears were streaming down my face in buckets because I was laughing so hard. As I write this review, my sides still ache and my throat is horse. I haven't laughed that hard(intentionally) during a movie since I saw Airpalne for the first time. If it were possible, I would have been rolling on the floor. You bastards managed to tickle my funny bone to near death and a hate you for that! You managed to crack that serious demeanor that has plauged me for years. I'm giddy! Now, the resons why I laughed are as followed:
1) THE MOVIE WAS NOT FUCKIN PC!!!!!!!! Finally, filmmakers with enough balls to show some really sick and twisted comedy on the big screen(ie sick children jokes, cripple people jokes, and big dick jokes!). This movie was incredibly offensive. Many will hate it and will want it banned. Others will praise it...calling it daring, stupid, audacious, and balls out hyterical. If you are offended by shows like South Park or movies like The Kentucky Fried Movie then stay far away from this movie. I don't want to hear about you being offended by the material. I don't want to hear some PC, liberal bullshit about how it's not right to make fun of child labor or sick and dying children. This is a movie...a silly one at that! If you take one second of this movie seriously then you deserve to be shot and your wounded body should be buried under 6 feet of dirt where you'll try to claw your way out but will eventually die and suffer before doing so. That said, let's get to number two.
2) The problem with comedies nowadays is that they are waaayyyy too PC. They try to please everyone! If you look at the great comedies of yore, they could give a fuck if they were insensitive. Everything that was said and done was done in the name of comedy. Sometimes, jokes were too insensitive...othertimes, the didn't go far enough. That's the case with BASEketball. Some of the jokes went a little too far...others didn't go far enough. I respect the filmmakers for making a movie that was able to offend everyone...regardless of race, sex, or gender. Any movie that has cheerleaders dressed in extremely provacative outfits and 8 year old kids downing shots of Tequila is all right in my book!
3) The content was extremely mature. The language, the props(two in particular), the skimpy outfits, and the excessive use of the word "Fuck" should garuantee an "R" rating for this movie. Unfortunately, those fuckers over at Universal probably want a PG-13 rating so they can supposedly sell more tickets! I say -- BULLSHIT!!! Leave all the offensive, great, witty comedy bits in there! Movies like Animal House and The Breakfast Club were rated "R" and were geared toward the same audienece. Amazingly enough, they managed to make a shit load of mula. Why was that? Maybe it's because they were...FUNNY!!! Maybe these teenagers would stop at nothing from seeing those movies! Just because a movie is rated "R" doesn't mean a teenie-bopper won't see it. If anything, it'll attract them to it. If there's a will(and there will be)...there's a way. For once in the goddaman PC-Bullshit '90's I'd like to see a funny, well-written, offensive comedy come out have a dreaded "R" rating attached to it. Leave the shit in there and see how it does. If it bombs, then blame me. If it's a hit then give me a 3 picture deal. Cool with you?
4) The use of the word DUDE has never been used so perfectly. The dude argument Matt and Trey have in the movie is a classic scene in cinema. It's such a "Guy" thing! To a "TRUE" guy, the word DUDE has so much meaning it's beyond a woman's comprehension. Kudos to you dudes for overusing (and somewhat abusing) the word as much as you did!
5) Scene #1 I cried in -- The Hospital Scene. 'Nuff said!
6) Scene #2 I cried in - The Kissing Scene(bar none one of the most reprehensible, disgustingly funny scenes I've ever seen. If you cut this, I'll make it my mission in life to fuckin destroy you!!!).
7) Squeak!
8) The Tiatnic gags!
9) The "Dick" scene. I hope and pray this scene isn't castrated or at least circumcised.
The stuff that didn't work(mostly for the filmmakers) :
1)The Unsolved Mystery gag was funny(particualrly Stack swearing), but it bogged down the movie.
2) Jenny McCarthy. Two great jokes about laying some carpet and a trailer hitch(I almost cried with that one) is about all she contributed. She'd be perfect in the movie if you had some explaination as to why she hooked up with Vaughn(I'm assuming it's because she's gonna sell the team to him after the Beers lose the Championship).
3) NO TOMMY LASORDA!!! You must put that scene in there!!!!
4) Cut some of that fame shit with Matt.
5) I want to hear Vin Scully do the intro in the beginning!
6) The playmate of the year bit. Nice to look at, but lacked in laughs.
OVERALL: The funniest goddamn movie I've seen all decade! The story maybe a little thin, but I truly laughed my ass off!!! To take away the crude and crass nature of this film would be a sin. At a current 1:44, I'm sure the filmmakers will chip away at that running time and manage to put together a movie that runs a little over 1:30. I, for one, hope and pray to the Movie Gods above, they'll take out the bits and pieces that just didn't work(as in some of the slower moments mentioned above).
Oh, and yes...there's at least one mention(or should I say voice) of South Park.
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T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
"Master of My Domain!"
And now for GOLDFINGER'S REVIEW....
Auric Goldfinger here.
I was considering not writing a review, since it would probably mirror Joe Hallenbeck's review for the most part, but figured what the hey.
Tonight in Northridge, CA (site of the Big Fun Earthquake(TM)) there was a test screening of the latest screwball comedy from David Zuker: BASEketball. But this was no ordinary screwball comedy. This was an all-out assault on decency, humor, and sports. In all, it was the funniest movie I've seen all year, and I hope to God that they don't change too much of it.
It's crass. It's harsh. It will insult any politically correct wacko. But you know what? Too bad. This movie was so rough that it will definitely be rated R. If they cut it down to a PG-13, it would be a shame because of the amount of material they would have to cut.
The premise is simple: A new sport which combines basketball and baseball is created by Coop and Remer (Trey Parker and Matt Stone, respectively). It goes big-time, and soon the usual issue of commercialization, tie-ins and loyalty start popping up. There's also the love interest (played by Yasmeen Bleeth) and the "evil" owner of the rival team, which all adds to more or less a plot.
Any movie which involves sick kids (AIRPLANE anyone?), hospitals (NAKED GUN), and cheerleaders who are some of the sexiest women shown on screen can't be all that bad. But then there are the jokes.
They will insult you. They will shock you. They will make you cry from laughing so hard. All in all, it's a damn funny movie.
There are the usual Clinton jokes, sports jokes, TITANIC jokes (someone had to do it!), and satirical moments, all of which are good. But some of the jokes might prove to be a bit too risque for the MPAA. Let me just say (without saying too much) that there is a damn funny scene involving a giant penis. Shocking? Perhaps. Funny? Oh yes.
In any case, do be sure to see this movie when it comes out in theaters in July. You won't be dissapointed.
Goldfinger
