I don't know who this "saint" fella is, but I sure like his/her/holy-spirit's style. Yesterday, it was ZORRO, now the divine one turns the other cheek for a look at STARSHIP TROOPERS. The Saint was so excited that he/she/it had to send an advance word, here it is:
"I was only (an indeterminate age) old when Star Wars came out in 1977 thus
enabling me
to experience the pure joy and wonder of seeing such a
revolutionary
flick. However, I now can say, after seeing ST, I have experienced
that
cinematic equivalent of a completely satisfying orgasm."
-----St. Paul of Granada Hills
Well, Christ ol Mighty!!!! That's a mighty powerful statement. A full blown orgasm caused by this film. He/She didn't have to get sweaty, and She/he didn't have to violate their vows of celibacy to attain this pleasure. All the Saint needed do was watch as Paul Verhoeven and company unfolded what looks to be a GREAT GEEK EXPERIENCE. And now for the Saint's entire gospel:
Forgive me, Harry for I'm about to commit yet another sin. It's been one day since my last confession. I just came back from another Test Screening and I'm afraid I'm going to have to stoop down to a heathen level once again and review the movie I saw.
Today's review comes to us from the Gospel according to St. Paul of Granada Hills. I was named after the patron Saint Paul, the sadistic, wildly violent, over-the-top, psychotic European Filmmaker of the Netherlands. Like he, I have an unquenchable thirst for violence played out on the big screen. After seeing today's Test Screening of his latest opus, Starship Troopers, I must say St. Paul of the Netherlands has answered my prayers and delivered the cinematic equivalent of the most intensifingly satisfying orgasm a human being could possibly experience. In one word, this movie is "Heavenly!" Why is it so? Let The Saint shed some light on this matter by giving you the pros and cons of Starship Troopers....
The Pros:
1) The Cast - Surprisingly, this cast works incredibly well together. I love it when a filmmaker has the guts to cast virtual unknowns in the lead and supporting roles because us, the viewer, can't guess accurately who's going to live and who's going to die. If you cast big name stars in movies like this, the audience knows a Harrison Ford or a Demi Moore is going to be victorious. It takes out that element of surprise. Bless the man or woman who chose these fine actors.
As for the stand-outs -- Casper Van Dien, Jake Busey, Michael Ironside, and Dina Meyer. All of these thespiens will go on to bigger and better things after the movie's released. It will be interesting to see how Mr. Van Dien(an actor who has star written all over him) does as that TRUE King of the Jungle(that doesn't crash into trees) Tarzan in Tarzan and Jane.
2) The Humor - Never have I laughed so hard at people being slaughtered. I may have to pay penance for doing so, but it will be worth it. This movie has the same sense of humor that RoboCop had...even right down to it's great "Would You Like To Know More" segments(in Robo it was those news breaks and commercials). Truly a hoot and a half.
3) The F/X - You ain't seen nothin' yet! Oops, a double negative. I must say a Hail Mary now.
(Time passes)
The Special Effects are out-of-this-world...literally! They rank right up there with the all-time greats! The Tank Bug, in particular, is truly the most impressive and awesome site you'll see(There's also one amazing battle scene in which there must be 2,000 bugs crawling about. It gave me the heebie-geebies.).
4) The Master of Mayhem and over the top violence - Paul Verhoven is the only man who could've done this movie justice. Now, I didn't read the book, so I can't yell at him for making the inevitable changes(i.e. No Power Suits. THANK GOD!!!). If Mr. Verhooven would've stuck to the original text it would have made the movie even more silly and taken a lot of viewers out of the pure fun of seeing people being ripped about limb from limb.
5) The Music - Basil Poledorious' score is everything a self-respecting score lover would expect and more. Truly exciting and patriotic. As fun as the film itself...if not more so!!!
The Cons:
1) IT WASN'T SHOT IN SCOPE!!!!! It's 1:85:1! I couldn't believe it! Oh well. You can't have everything.
The thing that made this film a truly enjoyable experience was hearing the hooting and applauding from the crowd. I know for a fact Paul and the Sony brass were sitting in their chairs smiling like that old Cheshire Cat. I even over heard them saying to each other that they have one hell of a blockbuster on their hands. They do indeed. I don't want to say that this movie is the second coming of YOU-KNOW-WHAT?(because that would be blasphemus), but it comes pretty goddamn close! Nuts! I just sinned again. Excuse me now for I must go say a shit load of Hail Mary's and Our Fathers. Damn! Now I have to say even more because of the swearing!
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T.T.F.N.,
The Saint
Now to back up the SAINT, I have this jewel from GOLDFINGER who also sent the review of ORGAZMO, that you see listed today. Hope ya like em. Ol Auric here had to place a couple of MOVIEVIEW guys under Oddjob's care, but they haven't yet returned from their... pressing engagement. Auric being the billionaire he is was able to talk with Phil Tippet and Paul Verhoeven about the film and other issues. So check it out!!!
Ok, I just got back from the test screening of STARSHIP TROOPERS up in Granada Hills.
One word can be used to describe this film - WOW.
I can't stress enough how you HAVE to go see this movie the day it opens. Not only was it much better than I could have possibly imagined (and I can imagine a lot!) but it also had an incredible amount of violence, which I really go for. :) I was surprised that this was the MPAA cut - it was rater R, but felt like an NC-17 version!
After the film was over, I had the pleasure of talking briefly with Phil Tippet. He thought the effects were "okay", but coming from a standpoint where he's scrutinized every shot, I can understand his response.
I also had the extreme pleasure of talking with Paul Verhoeven.
Apparently the cut of the movie we saw was not only the MPAA "R"
rated cut, but the uncut version of the film only has an additional
2 seconds. So this is more or less the director's cut. (i.e. no
scenes missing, etc., like in a Cameron movie.) I also inquired
about the TOTAL RECALL SPECIAL EDITION laserdisc, and he pointed
out that he still wants to do it, but because Carolco went under,
it's tied up in legal issues. Which brings me to my next part. The movie itself.
I have not read the book. I will not pretend that I did. But I
did see the movie, and liked what I saw. The fascist future which
Verhoeven shows us is both funny and frightning. The bugs are
incredible scary. Not the way they look - the way they act. Kudos
to everyone at Tippet Studios for a job well done. Sony Pictures
Imageworks and the (late) Boss Film Studios did an excellent job
as well with the space and military scenes. (Turns out that the
asteroid I saw in the Boss Film Studios parking lot back in July
was indeed from this movie!)
I really can't think of too much more to say - granted, I could
go on for probably days raving about everything I remember in the
movie, but you're probably getting tons of reviews of this movie
as is.
Goldfinger
Now to show you Movie View and NRG types that just cause you spot em, just cause you
nail em, doesn't mean you can keep them out. Besides, why on earth would anyone want
to keep a GEEK out of STARSHIP TROOPERS. Sheesh. Geeks are gonna eat this film
up. Just wait and see. Geekgasms a plenty will be throughout the nation come mid-
November. Ol John here can attest to that, even though he did have some problems with
parts of the film. For one, I got over 30 reviews this evening. This one was run, because
of the story of fighting to get in. Otherwise, who knows I mighta picked another review.
Oh just for your knowledge people out there. The following review was the hardest
review given to STARSHIP TROOPERS out of the 30. I'm in line, that's for DAMN
sure!!
I was the guy at the front of the line who got kicked out and
started
yelling at the MovieView rep.
Of course, I got in anyway. They don't have security -- Hell, I
snuck
into Van Halen! I can handle anything!
Here's the story:
I scored passes thanks to your email. I invited a friend of mine,
Willis O'Brien (the name is changed to protect the innocent)
and my wife.
We are sitting at the front of the line, and one of the MovieView
suits
(we'll call him 'mineral water boy') comes walking by. He looks
down at
us scum on the ground and he jokes to his associate, "I wonder what
percentage of these punks use the internet" and my friend Willis O'Brien (an assumed
name) says
quietly "Try 100%...".
Well, 'mineral water boy' hears this and looks over at us. He then
enters the theatre behind the tinted doors.
ten minutes later, he sends out one of his henchmen, a sorry sample
of a
man, who asks us, "Are you folks all together?"
I say, "Why?" and he immediately whips out his parting-gift 'See a
movie
on us' passes and says "We can't let you in." At this point, I rip
into
the guy, hoping that if I can beat him verbally enough, he'll back
down,
but I soon realized that his job was on the line. The wimp inside
the
doors was pulling the strings.
I kept challenging the guy to get 'mineral water boy' out here and
tell
me himself.
Long story short, not only did he kick me, my friend and my wife
out,
but also a totally innocent cool guy who was sitting next to us!
The
guy came right out and said "Sorry, even if you don't know this
guy, you
are guilty by association."
Can you believe it?
Of course I went 'Che Guevara' and got in anyway. Great seats
too.
But it really pissed me off and I figured there might have been
some
geeks that witnessed the scene. I thought you should hear the
story
from the horses mouth.
The Movie:
Well I'm still pissed so I'll keep this brief.
The gore was amazing. I've never seen an action type film this
gory.
You'll love it, I assume. Bodies ripped apart and lying in all
forms of
agony and decay. And I'm talking about DOZENS of 'em. Some scenes
looked like a kill floor except not in a slaughter house but in the
hot
desert sun. I'm sure these scenes will be cut as the crowd got
really
quiet at these moments and I heard "too violent" several times
after the
film.
There were no surprises. I knew exactly how things would turn out,
and
was right again.
The effects were outstanding. Enough reason to buy a ticket.
Neal Harris was great. Best actor in the pic.
The thing that ruined the film for me was the fact that everybody
was so
damn CLEAN! Everyone has perfect hair in every shot! They must be
the
fucking Supercuts Corps or something. Let's see some grime
goddammit!
Well, post any of this that you like, and refer to me as "John
Galt".
and then his buddy, Willis O'Brien sent this to give his statement about the incident that
MovieView caused:
I have an interesting story concerning the screening of Starship
Troopers that took place in Granada Hills, CA this evening.
I had tried to get passes to the screening myself Wednesday
afternoon
thanks to a tip by an unnamed geek. No luck though. Happily, I got
e-mail that night from a fellow geek how had managed to score
passes for
the show.
Cut to Wednesday night. We're among the first 10 people in line
waiting
patiently for the suits to start letting people in. While in line
ai
notice two suits from MOVIEVIEW (the people putting together the
event)
walking by. One says to the other, "So, what do you think that the
chances are that this will end up on the internet?" Just as he is
starting to say "100%?" I kinda pick up the joke and say "about
100%"
Okay, it was a silly thing to say but I figured I was just saying
what
he was already saying. In any case, I got a glare for my trouble.
Then
another glare a few mintues later. About 15 minutes after that a
DIFFERENT guy walks over and asks us (there were about 3 people I
was
talking with at the time) if we were all together. We ask why and
he
informs us that our group was pointed out being a group that was
"joking
about the internet" and he's going to have to have our passes.
I was shocked. So, I say in my most dumbfounded voice, "You're
kidding!
You're going to kick us out for joking about the INTERNET!?" He
replies
that this is a very "high level" screening and they can't have any
of
that. So, I decide to take one for the team and tell him that none
of
the people around me actually CAME with me and since I was the one
that
made the comment it made no sense to kick us ALL out. Then I
mentioned
to him that while I probably wasn't going to send anything about
the
screening to anybody on the internet I was SURE going to talk about
this. My only regret is that I didn't get this individuals name so
that
he would know that I was talking about him.
So what is the point of this letter? Well, I'm hoping that you put
it on
the page because I want to say one thing to the IDIOTS at MOVIEVIEW
- WE
ARE LEGION! Kicking one geek out of a screening is NOT going to
keep the
people from posting reviews to the internet. You can get one, two
maybe
even five (perhaps by kicking out overweight people or maybe
anybody
with glasses) but a good portion of your audience has access to the
internet and MANY of those people get a kick out of writing the
reviews.
So as I write this I realize that I'll have to wait an extra month
to
see the movie (that I worked on for a year) but I know that after
you
read this you'll then get to read numerous reviews from people you
DIDN'T get to.
GEEKS FOREVER!
Now see how unfair that was. I mean here ol Willis O'Brien gives a year of his life to
make a great damn film, and the kind people of MOVIE VIEW kick him out for a joke.
So what does he do, he tracks me down and complains, and of course I'm gonna give him
a voice. Us Geeks stick together. Well, Willis, stick in there, at least when you take heart
that even though the Movie View Mineral Water Patrol kicked you out, many many more
got in, and Movie View cost STARSHIP TROOPERS the space of one additional positive
review. Good work Movie View.
