A Ton Of PLANET OF THE APES Reviews!!!

Yo Harry! Since you seem to have had a dearth of early reviews of Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes remake, I thought I’d chime in with a quick piece of opinionated simian insight regarding the (just finished in the nick of time) final print of the film I saw today.

The bottom line? Certainly not Burton’s best, but a damn fine ride nonetheless. While the plot often strains the bounds of credulity (and, at times, even comprehension), the overall flow and construction of the film is excellent, with the framing and execution of the big fight sequences, in particular, providing a more satisfying kick than any other action film in recent memory. And yes, Charlton Heston does appear (in a scene that involves a pistol, and even has him wheezing "Damn them! Damn them to hell!"). Even more impressively, Burton manages to work in a variation on the classic "Get your stinking paws off me…" line that is both non-intrusive and pretty damn funny.

The best part of this Planet, however — as you might well imagine — is the perfectly cast crew of chimps, gorillas and damn dirty apes who keep messing with Marky Mark’s meager little mind. From Rick Baker’s stunningly naturalistic makeup to the seamless (and sparingly employed) wire work, these are primates that seem absolutely real from the first second they appear, and the illusion is never broken. In fact, the best parts of the movie often involve secondary characters that appear on screen for only a moment, doing things that every evolved species has surely done since the dawn of time (a particularly priceless sequence involves Wahlberg and his rag-tag band of humans escaping from the city, running past a group of young chimps as they pass a bong around, through an older ape’s house as he removes his toupee and false teeth, etc.).

And, despite the heavy prosthetics, each of the main primate characters manages to come across as an expressive, sharply defined individual (much more so than the human leads, actually). Tim Roth makes a fine, lithe-but-imposing villain — all snarling attitude and explosive, gravity-defying power (his room-trashing freakout scene is particularly impressive). On the comedic front, Paul Giamatti is exactly right as the obsequious, snaggle-toothed slave trader Limbo — he does everything that Lucas tried and failed to do with that annoying, vaguely offensive Watto character from Episode 1. And Helena Bonham Carter… well, what can I say? I’ve never really understood the whole "furries" thing (much less visited alt.binaries.erotica.monkeylove — I swear), but man is she cute in that chimp outfit.

In all seriousness, though, I think that all of the ape actors (and, by extension, Tim Burton) should be commended for their nuanced portrayals. Unlike the original POTA, these characters are obviously, frighteningly primal — even the "good" characters often screech and squeal when you least expect it, and their movements are a sublime blend of recognizable human actions and loping, coiled simian fury.

Unfortunately, the human actors don’t fare nearly as well. Wahlberg makes a serviceable action hero, but he doesn’t have anywhere near Heston’s heroic presence (his big "we’ve got to band together and fight" speech comes off like a whiny high-school quarterback’s pep talk). Kris Kristofferson, meanwhile, is completely wasted (he might as well have had "sacrificial lamb" tattooed on his forehead), while Estella Warren, as hot as she is, is given nothing to do and is completely unconvincing while doing it (her character suffers a major loss halfway through the movie, and two scenes later she’s making moon-eyes at Marky as if nothing had happened). And so, to recap (in the inimitable style of Phil Hartman’s Frankenstein, god rest his soul): Apes good! Humans baaaad!

In general, though, Burton’s Apes is great fun, and the plot certainly offers enough amusing twists and turns to keep most popcorn movie enthusiasts happy (even the ludicrous "twist ending" — which makes absolutely no sense from a logical standpoint — is so hilariously over the top that you can’t help but smile). Not a great film by any stretch of the imagination — but in this summer of huge disappointments like A.I. and hackneyed crap like Tomb Raider, we should all get on our knees and thank tiny Tim for this entertaining (if slightly apeshit) effort.

Now for the R-Man