Ahhhhhhhh, nothing like a review from Joe Hallenbeck. It's been a while since his last review, I think it's because he's become afraid of the NRG and is scared of getting caught. Perhaps the NRG has come to close, perhaps Joe has gone soft, or perhaps Joe is busy taking over Hollywood. Whatever the reason, he ain't been his old self recently... until now. He went soft of DEEP IMPACT, I know he wanted to let loose the fires of hell on that one, cause he told me so. But something held him back... hmmmm. But now... now I know the real Joe has killed the stooge Joe because.... well it's quite obvious that someone who's been pushing on the poreclean for a week or two without so much as a dropped peanut wrote this review. Sure END OF DAYS is formulaic, but damn if it wouldn't be one hell of an entertaining story. Now his opinion on MEET JOE BLACK... well I have seen DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY and I can say it ain't a film I care for too much. But I can tell you this, what Joe is criticizing about the depiction of Death... well I have to say I agree. Now for a warning. This is the first screening of the film, and the movie isn't due to hit the world's screens till the fall I believe. The movie ran incredibly long, most likely because they wanted to screen all the footage to an audience to see what played and what didn't. Joe chimes off on the film fairly agressively without pulling any punches. I can say I value Joe's opinion, but I don't always agree. Sometimes I think the guy can be so full of it, and at another level... well he and I are mirrors. It's up to you to see the similarities. As for UNIVERSAL, I'd pay attention to what Joe says, he's usually on the money about these things. Oh well, here is the wrath of Joe....
Joe Hallenbeck here with yet another fun-loving review of a movie that has yet to be released.
A few days ago, I sat there in my recliner and started thinking about what movies are there to look forward to in the comings months. After plowing through all the shit movies that are due out between now and Dec 31 I managed to come up with 5 titles that I'd be willing to sell my mothers soul to see:
1) The Thin Red Line - like I even have to give a reason why I'm dying to see this.
2) Prince of Egypt - Me wanna see Jeff put his foot up Mickey's ass because Mickey put something up Jeff's a few years back.
3) The Avengers/Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - two movies that tie for third because they both share a few things in common -- 1. They will either be brilliant or shit-burgers. 2.They both look completely insane. 3. They both could be "Uber-cool."
4) The Truman Show - it's ironic that I'm the only person in the Universe(that matters, any way) that has yet to see this "Brilliant" Movie. Go fig.
5) Meet Joe Black - a remake of the 1934 semi-classic Death Takes a Holiday that starred Fredric March.
It was when this last title popped into my mind that the "Joe" Signal shined brightly into the air. Whenever this occurs I know there is a cool screening going on in the So. Cal area. Flunky Sidekick and myself rushed to the Hallenbeck-mobile and made a mad dash to our "Meeting Spot" with Commisioner Farrell. It was at this secret locale where we acquired passes to attend the first screening of Meet Joe Black...a movie I was just dying to see.
Before I continue, I'd like to address Sir Harry's review of the End of Days script. I too have read the script and I must say it's one whopping piece of shit. A lame-ass, cliched, Man vs Devil movie written in crayon. AFO had a horrendous script and this so-cllled action movie has an even worse one. I thought we were progressing with our action flicks. Movies like The Rock, Face-Off, Total Recall, and T2 were hits not only because they had great action and effects... they were successful because people liked the story and the characters. Movies like End of Days and AFO are insults to our intelligence. They are throw-backs to the mindless, gung-ho Reagan era 80's action flicks that we all loved as kids and young adults 10 years ago, but now think are bad and down-right lame(ie Commando). "Days" is just Fallen meets Eraser. It has terrible dialouge, lame characters, and moronic action. It's worse than a McBain movie. Here's just an example of the dialouge...right after our hero does away with the devil he says a cool catch phrase, "There was a fire, but I put it out." Wow, Marlowe got payed the big bucks to come up with stunning dialogue like that? I'm surprised the hero didn't tell the devil to go to hell..oh wait, I think he may have. Talk about wasting money. Now, I love action movies. Five of my top ten favorite movies are action oriented, but I'm sick and tired of Hollywood making crap like this when we all know there must be some better shit out there(I pray to God there is). Take a look at some other scripts before you write a check out to a guy who can barely write a message for a greeting card, let alone a script for a major motion picture.
But, enough of that rant. Right now, I want to make one thing clear to you dudes over at Universal who are attached to Meet Joe Black -- I may sound spiteful, but trust me...I'm not. I ain't getting paid to write this drivel. This review comes from my cold, black heart and my enormous brain(among other enormous...never mind). My track record speaks for itself(box office wise not what you, the reader, personally thinks about a movie I reviewed. I can give a fuck what you think). So, what I'm saying is this -- look at my track record(95% accuracy) and pay close attention to what I have to say.
The Plot - Death takes a holiday...no, really -- he does. Death(Brad Pitt) decides to take a break from his job and walk amongst the living. He does so by having a rich millionare(Sir Anthony Hopkins) show him around. What follows is a comic, heart-warming misadventure of life and death...with a little romance thrown in to spice things up -- I WISH!!! Part of what I wrote was true, part was BS. I've never seen the original version, so it's unfair for me to compare the two...BUT, I highly doubt that 1934 movie was as dreary as this. True, the remake was in rough form and it did last waaayyyy too long(2:50), but these aren't the reasons I didn't like the movie. Now, I'm not saying I hated it...I thought it was a decent "Almost" movie. It had a cute plot, good cast, and frankly, it had the makings of a classic. It should have had a very Capra-esque feel to it...but alas, it did not.
The writing - what were the screenwriter(s) thinking when they decided to write a movie about Death taking human form and falling in love and turning it into a boring "hostile Take-over" movie. All that shit about Hopkins' company should have been put on the back burner. They failed to show us(the audience) the true appreciation of "The Greatest Gift." They touched upon the Death's psyche and his human emotions but never played with them. The first two hours of the movie Pitt plays a moron. He reminded me of Chauncey Gardner. He's DEATH...not GUMP!!! He should know everything about life that could be seen and heard. He shouldn't know anything about smell, taste, and touch(both emotionally and physically). Those are the things that you should've focused on, not some lame things like "What's peanut butter?!" He knows what it is(the dude's been around since the beginning of time!), but he doesn't know what it taste like, feels like inside your mouth, or smells like. These are truly remarkable things we humans experience...something Death wouldn't know about! He should be smart, sly, and oh-so cool. Instead, he was a dweeb. It's not til the end he has a brain. That whole fish-out-of-water thing you dudes concocted was down-right annoying and unimaginative. You never put yourself in his shoes. You never asked yourself, "If I was Death and I became human for a few days, what would I want to experience?"
Oh, and another thing...if he wanted to experience life then why did he only go to the office, the Hospital and the house? Hell, if I had just taken human form for the first time I'd at least want to see what life had to offer besides swiveling leather chairs, bed pans, and servants.
The Directing - Martin Brest is a very talented director. Beverly Hills Cop is a masterpiece, Midnight Run is one of the most underrated movies of all time(God...I LOVE THAT FILM!!!), and Scent of a Woman is a charming, yet somewhat tedious, flick(BTW, Pacino didn't deserve that Oscar. He deserved it for the other 6 times he was nominated, but not for that annoying role). When Brest does a movie, I'm there(that's what drew me to Joe). He did an okay job with this film. He took what could've been a Capra-esque classic and turned it into a snooze-fest. It had no charm...no wit. It failed to make me laugh and cry. When the whole thing was over I felt nothing. A movie about Death, Life, and a little romance in between should have made me feel something, but this did not. There simply was no magic there. I was expecting a charming, light-hearted, whimsical fantasy with a dash of romance and a pinch of the dramatic, instead, I got a moron at a board meeting who liked cookies and who fell in love with his client's daughter.
The acting - mixed results.
Brad Pitt - I like the guy. I think he has talent, unfortunately that talent doesn't lie in romantic roles where he plays a doofus who just so happens to be Death. He had this lame-ass, shit-eating grin on his face that simply annoyed me. This is Death and he was a geek..a dumb one at that! It wasn't until the end of the movie when I started liking the guy. He was a different person. He had charisma, spirit, character. I didn't belive he was death until the climax. That's unfortunate because one's supposed to believe from the get-go.
Sir Anthony Hopkins - I just love this man. He is bar-none the finest actor working today(and I'll eat the liver of any man, woman, or child with some fava beans and a nice Chianti who tells me otherwise). He just has a natural, likable presence on screen. When he's up there, you can't help but watch. He can turn a ho-hum character like Mr. Parrish into a guy you really care for. Btw, I really wanted him to say to somebody at the end of the movie that he has an "Appointment" to get to. That would be cool to hear Sir Anthony deliver a line to that affect.
Claire Fortani - what a babe. If she were the President, she'd be known as Baberam Lincoln. If she...you get the point. I'll say this about her -- thank god those casting directors brought in a new face instead of an old one(Bullock, Ryan, Roberts, Diaz, Aniston, etc...)for the female lead. In her first major role in a major movie(she was in the Rock and Mallrats...I think), Ms. Fortani proved herself quite the little actress. She did and admirable job in a role that should've been better written.
Jeffery Tambor and Marcia Gay Harden - two actors who always bring more life to the roles they are given(by the by -- Marcia, what the hell were you thinking when you said yes to Flubber?)
That little weasel guy who reminded me of Tim Roth - played the role of the little weasel guy very well.
The Music - It was mostly temp-tracked by works from my favorite Newman, Thomas Newman(who was there chowing down on some 'corn) and a few tracks of Mr Horner's Legends of the Fall. There was a lush, beautiful piece that was used throughout the movie that I couldn't ID. If anyone knows what this piece came from, let me know!!!
The ending - surprisingly enough, the only thing I liked about the movie was the last 20 minutes. They were smart, funny, suspenseful, emotional, and very-well written. They had a great last 20 minutes, but a shitty first 2:30. It was like Capra-esque lite!
The Audience Reaction - so-so. Good at times, quiet during the rest...very quiet.
Overall - one down...four to go. I was very disappointed in this movie. I hate when that that happens. It could've been great, but it wasn't. What went wrong, you ask? The script, my fellow geeks and geekettes...that's what made this movie fail. Adapt the premise, make the rest up yourselves. Use your imagination for chrissakes!!!
You know...it's kinda weird. Yours truly, The Mighty JOE Hallenbeck, attended a screening of Meet JOE Black that was thrown by JOE Farrell(who was looking mighty bizzare tonight. His blue-purple shirt was unbutton on top. His hair was wild. No tie. Very dishelveled appearance if you ask me. He looked as if he had one too many pre-show cocktails...if you know what I mean). Three Joe's in one room. Pretty cool, huh. You know, it's funny... on her death bed, my mother told me that I was named after my Father, a man whom I've never met. She said his name was Joe and that he worked with movie people. Wait a second...Father?...Joe?...Working with People in the Biz? No, this can't be happening! It can't be true?! NO...DEAR LORD,
NO!....NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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