Well Folks, Harry here.... as it seems to always do the coin has flipped and now we are hearing from the folks that don't like Tim Burton's latest flick. Our first review came in terribly mis-formatted, but hey... you can read it. BEWARE THOUGH... These two have EXTENSIVE SPOILERS... Read after ya see the film methinks....
Last night the movie theater my friend works at had a „projection test‰ of Planet of the Apes. Basically, it was an excuse to run a midnight screening for the staff. The reason they got the print early is because a large organization has paid for a company screening at this particular theater. In any case, I saw the movie.
This summer will go down in history as one of the biggest disappointments of all time. It seems one after another, every heavily hyped film has been a huge letdown (however much I enjoyed the Ogre and the souped up rice rockets). Now that I have seen Planet of the Apes, which is heavily regarded as the summer‚s last hope, I can tell you to please go in with lowered expectations.
POTA is a huge disappointment (natch). After the film finished I struggled with whether or not I enjoyed it for about ten minutes before I settles on a „not really‰. There are so many great things about the movie, and it could have really been fantastic. But there‚s a general lack of carelessness in the script and direction that really suffocates the film.
The film opens with a clever gag involving a monkey in a flight simulator. This sets the slightly tongue-in cheek tone that the movie never quite pushes far enough. It seems our spaceman hero, Leo (Marky Mark), works with monkeys (normal earth ones) in a space station orbiting what seems to be several different planets at once (in some shots it is Earth-like, in others it is Saturn-ish ). For reasons never made clear, the captain of the space station puts chimps in a pod and sends them out into space to see if it is safe for a human. When Leo‚s favorite chimp is sent into the abyss, becoming lost, he steals a pod for himself to „get back his monkey‰. Of course Leo‚s pod is swallowed up by some kind of purple light (like most scientific phenomena in this movie: never explained) and is sent crashing to a nameless planet, years in the future.
He immediately encounters a band of fleeing humans being chased by poachers (Apes, of course). The whole lot of them, including Leo, is captured and brought to their Ape city where they are sold to an ape slave trader, who is moderately amusing as the film‚s comic relief. At one point, another ape played by Michael Clarke Duncan, looks down at Leo and says „get your paws off me you damn, dirty human!‰ It‚s an entertaining moment, but it makes absolutely no sense, like much of the film.
Soon however, the movie began to capture my imagination when they entered the city. The Ape city is wonderful in its design and texture. It is incredibly lush and bears more than a passing resemblance to Peking from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Watching the ape civilization function is remarkable, and on further thought, I truly believe this movie would be much better without any human characters at all.
Finally at this point, we meet the most interesting character in the movie, Ari. Ari is an ape female played with incredible talent by Helena Bonham Carter. She is the senator‚s daughter, and is filled with disgust in the way her brethren treat humans. She seems to be the only rational ape in the movie, almost like a heroine from a Disney cartoon in the way she is so right, while everyone else so wrong. She gets the hots for Leo and purchases him and an attractive blonde (the one so prominent in the advertisements) from the slave trader.
There is a great scene soon after this, in which a bunch of apes discuss politics while eating dinner. It stands out from the rest of the movie as it is an impeccably well written bit, giving all these Ape creatures wonderful things to say enhancing there memorable characteristics. If only the rest of the movie was this good. I especially liked the characters of the mayor of Ape-ville and his Bimbo wife. There is a very funny scene a bit later in the movie where the two appear to be doing some kind of mating ritual.
But getting back to the „story‰, Mark tells the humans that he will rescue them, and with the help of Ari and a couple other Apes, including the slave trader (who provide most of the movie‚s comic relief) they venture out into the desert to find Leo‚s crew. The evil General Thade, an odd character played with miscalculated effort by Tim Roth, becomes bent on recapturing them.
Once the characters reached the desert, I felt that the movie became incredibly boring and I even had trouble staying awake at some parts. There really wasn‚t much that stands out in my mind from this point up until the ending, apart from a hilarious scene with Charleton Heston playing the dying father of General Thade. The crowd erupted into laughter when his dying works were heard to be „Damn them all‰.
I‚ll quickly explain the movie‚s reasoning for a planet full of apes: the space station that Leo worked on crashed into the planet, supposedly killing most of the humans. I guess the chimps on board evolved into the Apes, while the humans on board de-evolved into the beautiful savages that live in the planet. Does this make sense to you? Me neither, me neither.
The big ending, involving an all out war between the evil monkeys and the
humans is pretty lame, and the substitution of the originals mind-bending
twist is just I‚m not joking. This unexplained crap is what actually passes off as an
ending.
Tim Burton should be explained, there was very little in this movie that
showed me the master of dark quirkiness directed it. It definitely was not
up to the level of Sleepy Hollow, and I even found Mars Attacks much much
more entertaining. This is one of Burton‚s weakest entries, if not his
weakest.
If I had to choose the basic problem with the movie it would probably be
lack of variety. The setting remains constant for too much of the film, and
when the characters loose their interest the audience is left with nothing
to capture their imagination. The movie doesn‚t have enough set pieces to
justify its existence. It‚s too repetitive in its imagery.
On the plus side, the film is worth seeing (at least on video) just for Stan
Winston‚s incredible make-up. The Apes are always fun to watch with their
movements, and incredible expressions. They make Mark Wahlberg and the other
humans look like mannequins. It seems to me that creature flicks always have
the problem of making the human characters as interesting as the monsters.
Just take a look at Cats and Dogs, Small Soldiers, The Lost World, Godzilla,
etc. I‚m sure one day a great movie will be made with wonderful characters,
human and inhuman, but this is not it. Apart from Carter‚s great
performances, the make-up, and some laughs (many unintentional) there‚s not
much to recommend.
Give the monkeys their own movie, and kick those pesky humans off their
planet. Then it might be something worth watching. At least it‚s better than
Monkeybone.
Sincerely, your new friend
Student Helper
Another week brings further hope of redemption for
all-things big-budget in the form of Burton's "Planet
of the Apes". You know the litany of shame by now; The
Mummy 2, A.I., Pearl Harbour and though I haven't seen
it yet could such a wide variety of reliable critics
be wrong about Tomb Raider?
So it was with high expectations that I entered the
theater in downtown Osaka tonight. Fundamental laws of
physics said it couldn't suck more than than A.I. had
and I've thoroughly enjoyed damn near everything
Burton's put his signature touch to. And yet, two
hours later I strolled out yet again feeling I'd
wasted my 1,500 yen supporting a goldbricking
Hollywood industry which has set the bar of ambition
so low that even a double jointed limbo king would
have trouble passing beneath it.
Where to begin? Firstly in it's defence I had been
right in expecting it to outscore A.I. "Apes" does
indeed scale the heady heights of mediocrity. The
makeup on the monkey-boys is superb, the have some
nice armour and Helena-Bonham carter may be the first
woman with facial hair who I've found attractive. And
that about wraps up the pluses.
It's all about suspension of disbelief in the end. I
can accept Mark Wahlberg as a space pod pilot in the
far future. I can accept a planet where talking apes
are the dominant species. I'm here to see Sci-Fi so
I'm prepared to let you throw in a few whacky things,
I'm not looking for realism a la "2001", "Star Wars"
was idotic on any number of levels but everything that
happened in it made sense according to its own rules,
a universe were the hero gets the girl every time and
people die meaningfully. Thats the kind of messed up
shit you can lose yourself in. "Apes" on the other
hand constantly reminds you that this exists only as
product of a lazy and deeply unimaginative
screenwriter and a film crew who refused against all
good reason to modify what they were given.
First thing I'm thinking is "why are they using
genetically enhanced monkeys to fill in for humans as
test pilots in dangerous situations". The monkey just
sits in the cockpit and pushes buttons. You don't even
need a robot for this let alone a remote controlled
drone, a wind up toy could do the job equally well.
Then you have the wanton dsiregard for the super-
intelligent primates basic welfare. "He's the canary
and that's the mineshaft" intones the evil-authority
figure at one point.
After Wahlberg (character's names are given only once
or twice during the movie so its next to impossible to
remember any of them) chases his pet into the
"anomaly" with the battlecry of "I'm goin' to get my
monkey!!" he reaches the planet and meets the humans.
Okay, so what if they talk perfect American-English,
so what if they live in the wilderness but still look
like they've just hopped out of the shower. So what if
they have bright white teeth, great posture and
perfect manners. The fact that they're not in any way
"animalistic" or uncivilised isn't that big an issue.
What spoiled it for me was that they could talk. Not
talking in itself, but that they can talk if they want
to and yet...don't. You have a whole host of human
characters who barely say two words throughout the
entire pic unless they're being addressed directly by
"the hero" whose personality we quickly see doesn't go
anywhere beyond that stereotype.
So hero gets captured with not-quite mute humans by
apes. Runs away from apes and (this is were I was
feeling the first twinge of "just go home and rent the
original again") becomes overnight a futuristic
Spartacus who people from all the tribes are flocking
to to lead them against the apes. Okay, stop the train
I thought, I've fallen asleep and missed my stop. What
the hell did he do to inspire any of these halfwits to
give up their lives to follow him? For that matter how
would they have heard about it and how could they have
found him while he was on the run from his pursuers?
None of these gaping cracks in credibility are even
touched upon.
Then there's his small band of "close-friends", four
humans who serve no purpose whatsoever to further the
story and another equally so except that she's blonde
and moderately cute so presumably she's there for
sexual tension. At the end she also tenderly kisses
him goodbye never mind the fact he's barely nodded to
her since they met. And up for worst cameo of the year
is Charlton Heston whose presence has much the same
effect as if he'd simply said "How are you enjoying
this remake of my earlier film in which I uttered such
memorable lines as 'God damn them all to hell!'"
And on it goes until the ridiculously contrived ending
in which Wahlbergs homing beacon doubles as a remote
control for his entire space station, his pet monkey
makes a groan-inducing "dramatic" reappearance and the
the villains supporters suddenly shift their loyalties
and personalities. So many things in the film were
either wasted or badly implemented that it makes it
clear that this could have been a far better movie
with only a tad more effort.
The ape empire which seems to be loosely based on
Roman structures is never shown as anything other than
one self-enclosed village. There is no sense of scale
to their "civilization" and even within this village
every room we see is tiny and populated only by main
characters. Where are the guards, servants and
assorted extras who breed live into the period pieces
which this should be reflecting? The amassed legions
of the ape army total perhaps five hundred people and
consists of two basic soldier types, cavalry and foot.
For a large portion everything is too dark. Not Tim "I
like a lot of gothic black" Burton's version of dark
just plain old "what the hell is happening, I can't
see a damn thing up there" dark. This may have been to
hide bad set dressing or poor cg but based on
everything else it may have been just a cock-up.
Equally inexplicable is the absence of good fight
scenes. Despite the athleticism and grace of the apes
there no actual mano a mano fights apart from one in
which one ape literally jumps up and down on another
(completely ignoring the martial possibilities of
fighters who can use their feets as extra hands while
also possessing prehensile tails). All we really get
is a large "battle?" at the end in which the apes
against all the odds somehow fail to massacre the
humans within five seconds of entering the fray.
So many missed chances and so many minor flaws, I'm
still remembering additional bad lines and weak
moments as I type. What it really comes down to is it
could have been so much better. Is there nobody in
Hollywood they can hire to pass comment on these
flawed, lumbering behemoths before they pump millions
of dollars into them? If not give me a call next time
Tim and I'll do it.
Devon Gray
And now here's the next look...
