Here's the experience of a geek's first visit to a film set... the geek is Tom Joad and the set was Robert Rodriguez's. I like this because it's a different set of eyes looking at an event I described in my Sex Night at the Alamo Drafthouse review. I love different sets of eyes looking at the events around us. The different thoughts and perceptions. There's nothing quite like it. I can say this, his eyes lit wide, his mouth pulled back into a doo-doo eating grin... he seemed happy as could be... but here's his view...
Tom Joad’s First Set Visit – a la Robert Rodriguez/Kevin Williamson Untitled Project
Before I last departed from Mecca, the plans for this weekend were already being laid. So it goes without saying that my salivary glands have been in high gear for weeks… but they kicked into overdrive at the sound of Harry’s voice through the telephone receiver last Friday night, “Get your asses over here now. We’re going to Robert’s set, he’s doing some night shots.” His voice sounded as if he were speaking through a shit-eating grin, as did mine when I replied, “We are already in the car. See you in a sec.” I walked into the next room and my eyes met with those of my best friend Annette Kellerman, whose mouth was crammed with pizza. She knew our hurry, and although her mouth was full, her eyes were wide with “I- Wanna-Know-the-Cool-News-Now” intensity. Knowing I had no time to tease her, I passed up the perfect opportunity and gave her the skinny, “We gotta go. Now.” We loaded up on pizza and piled back into the jalopy our asses had barely had time to forget about. We sped towards a night of one hundred percent pure joy…
After pulling into the driveway of the coolest house known to man or beast, Annette and I approached the Porch of Champions, adorned with blue Christmas lights and little disembodied skulls and Jason Voorhees heads that were lit from within like lanterns. We reached for the Spider-Knowles door to knock and realized that the door was already open, we then rapped on the screen door and were beckoned within by Jay, coolest master of both the house and the film ceremonies. We entered the most incredible explosion of film and memorabilia ever exposed to any human’s set of opticals at one time. Absolutely amazing! Honestly, to try to describe the sheer magnitude and sensory overload felt by entering their humble abode cannot begin to do it justice… utterly cooool.
Harry emerged from his AICN office and greeted us warmly as we all exited and piled into the ol’ Jalopy otherwise known as the Joadmobile and headed off toward our destination in a flash.
THE SET:
Holy balls! I was in absolute heaven- We found a parking spot and quickly made our way up the street to stand on the sidewalk facing the school featured in the film. And let me tell ya, the place fuckin’ rocked! Cool, moody shadows were cast perfectly across the “aged” columns, which border the porch and the steps in front of the school. We stood behind the bulk of production people buzzed about, from where we could see both what was being filmed and be able look at the playback monitors and see how the shots were coming out, cool. It was like being in an interactive director’s cut laserdisc with extras… a dream come true.
We saw the chairs designated with their owner’s names: Daniel von Bargen, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, etc. Cool. I heard a voice that struck a panic nerve somewhere deep inside me, and I managed a casual glance over my shoulder to see Robert Patrick facing my direction, seemingly in a terrific mood, talking with a lady. The voice of T-1000. Coooooool.
My eyes scanned the set to see the aforementioned actors assembled on the porch for a quick scene as Robert (Rodriguez) was atop the crane, preparing for the shot just as his people were calling for quiet on the set. After a few quick takes, the scene was in the can and they began quickly setting up for the next shot. Robert climbed off the crane and picked up his guitar and began strumming to himself, getting his thoughts collected for the upcoming tasks at hand. To my left was the sign for the fictitious high school; complete with painted-on birdshit, graffiti stating that each of the classes of 95, 96, and 97 are the best, and rusted, aged, authentic looking sign, all built into a brick and concrete foundation which upon closer inspection was made completely of plywood and plaster. Very cool!
We wandered about, and took in all the little details, the school mascot is a hornet and it is one of the coolest little designs I’ve laid my eyes on in some time. One can just imagine it plastered on caps, t-shirts, etc. to be worn by the cool kids… The man on the moon was a cool little rig. A dude sat atop a fifty foot crane(?) and manned the artificial full moon that cast an eerie glow on all below… and against a tree stood a lonely skeleton, but one with cool eye sockets, the ones with the angry slants a la Ray Harryhausen… supergroovy…
Time wound on and we were about to leave. “Is this them?” I heard in the most familiar of voices. I turned to my right at Robert Patrick was talking to Harry and motioning toward Annette and myself. Harry nodded as Robert’s energetic and genuine attention focused on Annette. “Hello, I’m Robert.” he said as he shook her hand. I followed with something similar before we talked of the drive south and the movie party which awaited, etc. All too soon, though, it was indeed time to go and we parted company. An incredibly cool individual who seemed very (refreshingly) enthusiastic. All that scares me though, is that now he can “become” me, since we shook hands. Eerie…..
Yup, the time was nigh for us to depart in the direction of the Alamo Drafthouse for Sex Night. The Alamo is the absolute coolest venue around. Few things are finer that washing down an EL MARIACHI pizza with a Guinness Stout while watching one’s favorite films from years past on the big screen at the Alamo! On some occasions, such as this, they’ll show a variety of items, from truly bizarre sex education films for the mentally retarded to ancient, misinformed VD scare tactic films, only to be concluded with a classic of erect pubescent proportions, PORKY’S!
A great film back in the thirteen-year-old days when I’d be sitting up late at night watching. Poised with my finger above the channel up button on the remote, just in case one of my folks wandered into the room (which they ALWAYS seemed to do ONLY during either a sex scene or a nude scene – when I’ d quickly, and probably poorly, pretend I was asleep.) But time has not been well to Bob Clark’s classic. I mean, sure it was funny, but it was funnier fifteen years ago… and the fact that the sex films which preceded it were even funnier didn’t help it’s plight. But I need to explain what was viewed between the two sex films and PORKY’S. It was a short film which was an advertisement for a strip club. Now, with the wonderfully gratuitous nudity, I cannot imagine where an advertisement like this would be seen, but suffice to say that the “climax” of the piece came at the end, when a smoking cigarette could be seen being held by one’s vagina. But the fun doesn’t stop there, oh no- the owner of the aforementioned vagina then used her tremendous talents of control to actually take not one, but FIVE drags off the cigarette! I don’t know about you, but the sight of a smoking vagina tends to affect one’s attitude toward the organ. I mean, is this chick in trouble in the way of cancer nowadays, or what? The mind reels! Oh, and I forgot to mention, this little gem was donated to the evening’s festivities by none other than Jay himself. Not too often is an image burned into the mental eye of my mind’s memory. My hat’s off to him for providing me with such an image. Viva vagina!
We collected ourselves after our evening’s worth of viewing pleasure to migrate back towards the jalopy to conclude our night; prior to our attending of Eeyore’s birthday party the next day!!!
Until later,
Tom Joad
