TOMB RAIDER review

You’ll hear nearly universal shatting upon TOMB RAIDER today, tomorrow and forever more. It’s an easy latrine to fill, but I can’t call this the worst film of the year… I’ve seen a rough print of ROLLERBALL… I saw a Freddie Prinze Jr flick called HEAD OVER HEELS this year.

However, TOMB RAIDER is a classic example of complete ignorance in action and serial storytelling.

First, the character is completely dead. Why is she on this mission? Why does she save the traitor? Why does she not save her Father? Why can she do one and not the other? Why can’t the bad guy kill her the second she hands over the ‘magic piece’? Why does she follow pixie children and butterflies? Why does she constantly refer to herself as a Tomb Raider? Why do others constantly refer to her as a Tomb Raider? Is ‘Tomb Raider’ a common term in any world for an archeologist? Why does Jon Voight’s character seem to only be here for scenes of ludicrous nonsensical exposition about completely trivial things? Why would someone believe that the Illuminati didn’t exist? When did the Illuminati become a psycho kill cult? How come everyone everywhere seems to know Lara’s father, even if they were born after her father died? Is it really ‘attractive’ to have immobile flesh mountains jutting out of a chest at varying sizes throughout the film?

The amount of times "TOMB RAIDER" is actually uttered and the context in which it is delivered became so ludicrous… that I nearly began laughing, but was so bored by the proceedings that instead I just groaned. Imagine this:

"Miz Scarlett, th’ yankees’a GONE WITH THE WIND"

"Luke, you don’t understand the power when the EMPIRE STRIKES BACK"

"Indiana, we are both RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!"

"You’re a terrible citizen, Kane!"

"Congratulations, You’ve made it on Schindler’s List!"

"…tired and I wanna goto bed… Oh Shit, here’s JAWS!"

"Silence of the Lambs Clarice, there will never be a Silence of the Lambs, they will scream an eternity, though you pray otherwise"

"I can’t believe I’m about to have a CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE THIRD KIND!"

"Luke, my son, there will never be a RETURN OF THE JEDI!"

"ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN can’t stop our investigation!"

"It’s the TREASURE OF SIERRA MADRE that I want!"

This is about the level of the dialogue in TOMB RAIDER… I shit you not, "Two TOMB RAIDERS are BETTER than ONE!"

This film is ugly, boring and uninspired. In a single shot, they manage to defecate not only upon the beauty of Angkor Wat, but in a blink…. They shat upon Venice…. In a single transition they made both places look like total logs.

The plotline was overly convoluted and badly told onscreen. There are random left turns that are not surprising, just boring. There is no sexuality in this movie… Plenty of alleged tits, but no titillation.

I’m telling you, BEWARE! See something like ATLANTIS this weekend. Or save your money for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS next week… If you have to flog the meat to Ms Lips, rent GIA… Personally she’s never floated my boat… there’s a vague lack of lucidity in her eyes that gives her the female Prinze Jr look. The lights are never on in TOMB RAIDER… except to over light all the sets and make them look cheap and fake…. People should be imprisoned for making Angkor Wat look pedestrian and ugly. One of mankind’s greatest achievements and it looks like crap here…. How do you do that? Is there a class in film school somewhere that teaches one how to make beauty plain? Does it come before or after the class on making sure to WINK at the camera every 3 minutes?

Do not waste a dime on this!

Also, somebody rip THE PRISONER from Simon West’s hands! He is not to be trusted with something that valuable.

Total Failure!

P.S. In Talkback, people ask how an opinion could be so diverse.... citing this review of TOMB RAIDER and Ebert's review of TOMB RAIDER. First, different people feel differently. Roger happened to love both SPEED II: CRUISE CONTROL and THE CELL, both of which I loathed. I loved FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS and FIGHT CLUB, both of which he hated. Neither of us are ever right or wrong. Opinions on film are exactly that. And you will never find a reviewer that is ALWAYS right for you. As for the person that said that Roger liked TOMB RAIDER because of Jolie's implied breasts in this film.... and that my love for CHARLIE'S ANGELS was for ass..... Traditionally I am not an assman, though Roger is a major tits man (The man is a good friend of Russ Meyer.... think about it). My love for the C.A. came from the energy the film had, the smile on Diaz's face and that magical swirling ass.... Nothing ever moves on Lara Croft.... she is as stiff as an action figure in this film.