Hey folks, Harry here... here's the first report sent in to the wondrous Kitten, but as she is in New York and I'm here where the email came, i have to introduce it, though Kitten would make me look like a dull spoon by comparison as a writer. Must be that amazing light-bryte collar of hers... No matter, the subject is THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, a movie that for some idiotic Pavlovian response to the trailer I'm looking forward to. Maybe it is because I'm dying to see Vin taking on a lead role... maybe it is because I think that perhaps there will be an illusion of speed communicated in this film that hasn't been in either GONE IN 60 SECONDS, DRIVEN or ROLLERBALL recently... I want an exciting car chase in something other than those wonderful BMWmovies.... So without further ado to crush my hopes is the Wrathful Buddha....
Hey, kitten…saw a preview showing tonight. Print this and enjoy sweet revenge as Talkbackers goof on me…
Anyone who lived through the cultural minefield known as the 1980’s didn’t have to look further than network television to see boys and their cars (THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, HARDCASTLE & McCORMACK, KNIGHT RIDER). Your typical pierced, tattooed, crap-rock Gen Y kids, however, might find the concept novel. It’s not.
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS can’t even boast an original plot – it’s been lifted from Kathryn Bigelow’s skydiving/surfing/heist pic POINT BREAK, from the tortured romance to the identical ending. Vin Diesel (who’s probably pissed his name isn’t above the title) is the Patrick Swayze livin’-on-the-edge good/bad guy. Paul Walker plays the Keanu Reeves undercover cop. You remember Paul from THE SKULLS, don’t you? You know, THE SKULLS…the movie born in a studio boardroom somewhere with the phrase, "let’s give ‘Pacey’ his own movie."
Not coincidentally, these movies have the same director, Rob Cohen. Rob’s batting about .250 in my book, for a couple of reasons. Making DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY a genre movie that Bruce himself might’ve starred in instead of a by-the-numbers biopic was a daring move. And getting Don Cheadle to tap dance in front of a giant lit-up sign that read "Nigger!" in THE RAT PACK showed some cojones, as well. But mention his involvement in Stallone’s DAYLIGHT or THE SKULLS…and we’re back to square one.
But back to the story….oh, who am I kidding?!? If anyone gave a shit about the story, they’d realize that hijacking a truck full of contraband would be much easier if the truck weren’t in motion. That wouldn’t look as cool or cost as much to make, so you’ll find it here. If anyone gave a shit about the story, a cat or a shopping cart might find itself in the way of the cars racing down those impossibly long straightaways of L.A. traffic. If anyone gave a shit about the story, they’d make Michelle Rodriguez likeable or give Jordana Brewster more to do so we might notice more than her remarkably shiny forehead.
OK, so we knew it wasn’t Shakespeare – does it LOOK cool? Not especially. The ol’ drive-a-car-under-the-semi-trailer trick is employed not once, but twice. And if you outrace a speeding train, for cryin’ out loud, stop celebrating and watch for oncoming traffic. Expect the usual amount of flying bullets, exploding cars, and slutty chicks as window dressing. Hey, there we go - there is one saving grace for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS; lots (and lots) of young L.A. "background artists" got a few days pay and a little free food.
Also, there’s a clinging-to-the-top-of-a-speeding-car moment that I haven’t seen since T.J. HOOKER. Ask your older brother who that is.
(P.S., kids: Mushmouthed rapper Ja Rule shows up and says a few lines, apparently to get him to contribute a song for the closing credits.)
Wrathful Buddha
