Hey folks, Harry here... this is a patent Joe Hallenbeck review... This has more F-words than HARLEM NIGHTS... I'm talking just a run through of the use of the word. This flick angered the Mighty Joe so much he recreated his bat and aged quite a bit. Though he tells me the opening is absolutely incredible and worth seeing on the big screen in spades... the rest of the film... Um no...
"The problem with movies nowadays is that they are all shit." That is the line John Revolta uses to open Joel Silver's latest opus, SWORDFISH. What he should have added to that line is, ". . .and this movie is NO exception!"
The other night I had the unfortunate experience of watching this utterly disappointing flick. Never have I seen a movie go from utter coolness to utter shit in a 90 minute time period. This film went down faster than the blonde did on Hugh Jackman during his "interview" scene. The opening 10 minutes of this film is quite possibly one of the most riveting, entertaining and jaw dropping openings in action movie history. By the time the scene was over the audience was roaring with applause. Then, to my great disappointment (and theirs), the movie turned into a hackneyed, boring, idiotic mess that makes last year's John Woo film, MISSION: IMPROBABLE 2, look like an action tour de force!
To prepare for this review, I have designed a new Hallen-bat ? to kick off my first "Official" Mighty Joe Hallenbeck review of 2001. It's splintered in half with 4 rusty nails driven into it. I must put on Billy Idol's Greatest Hits CD for inspiration. Bend over, Joel, 'cus this is gonna hurt. . .
THE PLOT - As previously mentioned the film begins with a bang - LITERALLY! Using the "bullet time" effect, director Dominic Sena starts out this quasi-DOG DAY AFTERNOON tale with such BRASS AND CLASS it's a wonder that he left things get totally out of control after that whopper of an opening. What follows is a plot only a Computer Learning Center Graduate would care about and action scenes that may seem impressive to a 'tard. When will The 'Wood realize that computer's are NOT, I REPEAT, NOT exciting! Watching some schmuck type really quick at a keyboard doesn't make for riveting entertainment, nor does peppering your screenplay with dialogue consisting of fancy computer lingo that even Bill Gates would scratch his head too.
Revolta is, I think, some big wig bad guy who wants to steal $9 billion from the US Government. Hugh Jackman, I think, is this world class hacker that gets embroiled in Revolta's scheme after agreeing to work for him so he can make enough mula to regain custody of his 10 year old daughter from her Porn Star, Crack Whore, Alcoholic mother. Now, if you thought my flick, THE LAST BOYSCOUT, was sexist then you ain't seen nothing yet! What Sena and Silver have managed to concoct here for any female characters, including Hugh's 10 year old daughter, is an image that ALL woman are whores and down right meaningless when it comes to important things in life like 'splosions and mula! Now, while that may be true about most, it's certainly not the case with all. However, in this movie there is not ONE redeeming female character. The aforementioned ex-wife is a whore, Halle Barry is likewise, the daughter dresses like a character out of Pretty Baby, and the other female characters throughout the film consist of skinny dippers, schlong suckers, and coke whores. Gloria Allred should be all over this flick like President Dipshit over an Alaskan oilfield.
Oh, and as for the action, it goes from AWESOME, to INNANE and UNNECESSARY, to downright ABSURD! There will be more spoilers during the rest of this review so avert your eyes if you see any. I have no qualms about spoiling this flick for y'all. It's not as if you discover that Swordfish is a sled. Actually, it's the password the Marx Bros. used in Duck Soup. Although I doubt the filmmaker's knew that. That would make them actually "cool."
THE DIRECTOR - Dominic Sena is not even capable of making toast let alone a movie, so why in FUCK'S NAME is this guy getting work? Did you SEE GONE IN 60 SECONDS? Shit, that film made LOOSE CANNONS look like THE FRENCH CONNECTION! -- Why, here's a great fuckin idea - let's have a car chase movie WITH NO FUCKIN CAR CHASES! That's like watching a Jeanna Jameson flick and not having any facials! I now know why that flick was called Gone in 60 Seconds, because people forgot about it the minute after they left the theater! With Swordfish, Sena doesn't have the skills to tell even a coherent story. It seems to me that A LOT of this film is on the cutting room floor. It's a shame that's the case, because Swordfish could have at least turned out to be a coherent piece of shit rather than an incoherent one.
The WRITING - Any movie written by a guy named "SKIP" should be second-guessed right off the bat. If I had known that in advance I might have lowered my expectations. From now on in this review "Skip" will be referred to as "Snatch" 'cus only a pussy would wimp out and make Revolta the "good" bad guy. And, by that I mean this - you can't make the audience believe that the bad guy's cause is a worthy one when he still slaughters several innocent people trying to achieve his goal. It's not sympathetic. Bay and Fuckheimer understood that in THE ROCK, thus Ed Harris HAD to die! What Snatch doesn't understand is that there are a few basic fundamentals to screenwriting:
1) Tell a coherent story.
2) Write about interesting characters
3) The Bad guy cannot be involved in some LAME anti-terrorist organization working for the government then turn around and STEAL money from the government so he can further his CAUSE! It doesn't make any FUCKIN SENSE!
Of course, I can't blame Snatch entirely for this insipid screenplay. Afterall, it was produced by Joel "Let's hirer 20,000 screenwriters and have them all write a draft of the screenplay, then we can just pick apart the best parts and make one giant piece of shit screenplay" Silver! This motherfucker was once an idol of yours fuckin' truly. I mean, any fucker who is known for the quote, "I'd stab myself in the back to get that script!" is A-Fuckin' OK in this Mighty Mutha Fucker's book! The difference between this fucker and Jerry Fuckheimer is this - "Joel KNOWS he's an asshole. . .and he's proud of it!" He doesn't hide behind Armani suits and try to claim that he's an artist, entertainer, and a patriot. Joel is the Anti-Christ. I gotta love a man who has convictions like that. This fucker is responsible for 3 of the greatest action films ever made - DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON 2, and PREDATOR. Not too mention my fuckin flick, THE LAST BOYSCOUT, fuckin' COMMANDO, and fuckin' 48HRS. Let's fuckin' face it, this was once one fuckin cool Mutha Fuckin Cat. However, this Fucker, as of late, has been responsible for fuckin flicks like Fuckin HUDSON fuckin' HAWK, fuckin' ASSASSINS, FAIR fuckin' GAME, and that miserable piece of "O'Donnell" shit, RICHIE fuckin' RICH. Two fuckin' years ago when this motherfucker came out with the MATRIX I thought, "My lord and savior hath returned!" Boy, was I fuckin wrong! The fuckin' House on Haunted Hill, ROMEO MUST fuckin' DIE, and EXIT fuckin' WOUNDS have got to be three of the worst films I have seen in the past two fuckin' years!
(Wait a second, Billy is about to sing REBELL YELL. Gotta wake the Warden!)
Goddamn, there are just certain songs you gotta blare and sing too at the top of your lungs while downing a bottle of Cuervo Gold and dancing around butt naked so my Lil' Hallen-Cock can feel the breeze of the fan blowing on him as I mash potato over to it gyrating to the lyrics, "MORE! MORE! MORE!"
FUCK ME, where was I? Oh yeah, that fucker, Joel Silver! Now, what this Mother Fucker just doesn't get any more is that you just can't recycle some cool effects that worked in a brilliantly written sci-fi script and place them into a fucking fuckwad of a fuckin' script. If you don't fucking have a remotely decent script why even fuckin bother to shoot the fucker? That's all I'm fuckin' asking? Oh, and Mr. Silver, how can you fuckin' forget the cardinal rule of an action movie? - The Bad guy dies and Gary Cooper rides off into the sunset with Grace Kelly! You broke the Cardinal rule, Mother Fucker! You fuckin shattered it! You're fuckin GOIN' DOWN! Me and Hallen-Bat 2K1 are coming for your Mother Fuckin' ass and we are going to BEAT a good movie out of you! YIPPEE KI-YAY, MUTHAFUCKAH!!
THE ACTING:
HUGH JACKMAN - would SOMEONE please give this poor bewildered bastard a good script - one that doesn't involve claws sprouting from his hands? I have the utmost faith in this guy as an actor, but he has picked some shit roles since his break through performance in X-MEN. In this film the poor guy has NOTHING to work with. He sits at a keyboard and types REALLY fast. Oh, and he gets to hug his daughter a few times. He tries his best to give a little bite to his character, but when the writer fails to write a coherent back story for the guy - where he's coming from and where he's going too - there's not much poor Hugh can do. I like you, man! You could be awesome. Pick better projects, damnit!
JOHN REVOLTA - first off, let me just say I can give a rat's ass about the man's Diarrhea beliefs. A person's personal life and their professional life are separate in my eyes (unless you are that quasi-incestuous pedophile Woody Allen. . . ). Revolta has always been an actor I have loathed, despised and spat upon. The only performance I have enjoyed of his was in FACE/OFF. Other than that, I wish the man cancer - CANCER OF THE HEAD! He always comes across as a smarmy, look-at me- I'm acting" kinda of Spartacus looking motherfucker. Besides the fact that I want to Spackle the cleft on his chin, I find his turns at bad guys hackneyed, corny and over the top. Only in Face/Off was he able to play up the evil psycho villain to a brilliant hilt. It seems that lately Revolta can only speak dialogue while gritting his teeth. He's become a parody of himself - a walking joke. Go back into hibernation and live off your extra 100 pounds for another 10 years. Then, maybe, we'll let you start acting again.
DON CHEADLE - Shame on you for taking this role. SHAME ON YOU! Now, go to your room!
HALLE BARRY - nice tits, but they ain't worth a half a mil.
VINNIE JONES - You're awesome. You're Hella-cool. And, I love you man. So, now that I have exposed my homosexual tendencies for you, do your Hallen-Baby ? a favor and stop FUCKIN WORKING WITH SENA! He, unlike Guy Ritchie, doesn't realize your potential! Next time he calls up tell him to "FUCK OFF!" Thank you.
THE MUSIC - the one saving grace of this film, besides the AWESOME OPENING, is Chris Young's sultry, exciting score. Not since Kamen's Lethal Weapon score have I heard a sax during an action cue. It added more character to the scene then the damn writer did. However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, is Paul Oakenfeld's headache inducing Techno-grinds. Would someone PLEASE force him to ONLY play RAVES and never have him score another flick again? It's too bad a score album isn't coming out. In lieu of one, Warner Bros. is going to pass off one of them bullshit "Songs from" albums featuring Oakenfeld's shit and other songs used in the background. When will the composer get some respect?
THE CLIMAX - I'm definitely game for over blown heroics and great twists. However, the climax to Swordfish must be one of the most moronically conceived scenes ever executed in a movie. It's as if they said, well, if an elephant can fly, so can a bus! They wanted to have a real cool scene in which a helicopter transports a bus through the air over LA so it can land on a rooftop. Okay, why? Oh, that's right. The brilliant twist that a fuckin chimp could see coming after the first 10 frames of the film. The filmmaker's have made it abundantly clear that Revolta was going to fake his own death and make people look the other way. Subtlety was NOT their strong suit. Either you HAD to be a 'Tard or out taking a leak during the 3 scenes Revolta tells US, the audience, that he's going to fake his own death. Hell, Hugh even finds a dead body in the basement and NEVER questions it! Why? Who the fuck knows! Oh, and let's not forget Revolta's brilliant story about Houdini and how he always tricked people into looking at "A", when, in fact, he was at "B." Talk about being beaten over the head with foreshadowing. Oh, and instead of the filmmaker's trying to put a twist on the movie, they, instead, decide to go with the OBVIOUS twist we all saw coming! What the fuck?! How BAD does the writing have to get in movies nowadays? Apparently, if you have an IQ of 65 and fuck your sister on a regular basis Hollywood is making features JUST FOR YOU! Sister Fuckers are now the demographic!
OVERALL: What a let down this film was. To start off so wonderfully then plummet into the dregs as quickly as it did makes me wonder where everything went wrong. Was it the original script? Was it Sena? Was it Silver? Or, was it the Assfaces at Warner Bros? Blame "THE MAN", that's my motto.
The real tragedy here is the "Magic Trick" Joel and his bitches have played on all of us: They made us think you were watching a great movie one minute, then they pulled a 180 on us and turned the film into a horrible mess. That's a feat even Houdini would not have been able to pull off. Shame on you guys!
Send your Mother's naked pics to:
Oh, and remember, my lil' bitches - EVERYDAY is a great day for a White Wedding.
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
P.S. VIVA ZAPATA!
