WARNING: This Article Contains No Film News Whatsoever, But Is Rather About The Dangerous Incarcerated Criminal In The South Of France This Very Minute!

In my recent European excursions... my visit to Cannes (technically Cote d' Azur and Antibes... long story), I had the misfortune to meet and share a roof with the most maniacally evil man that the continent of Africa has ever seen... The destruction and warfare of the past... Pharaohs... Slave ships.... Nothing in comparison to the evil monstrousness of DR SOTHA!

First off he is the genetic milkshake of Peter Lorre and Ingrid Bergman... and strange bizarre man with the most amazing legs. His evil dry heave of laughter still rings in my skull... wicked and wrong... Nature's cruelest hoax... or was it nature, perhaps only the French know now.

His laboratory smock... those finger galoshes... That strapped on silver saucer to his forehead (and what a forehead... pushed back and with receding skin) Those bulging eyelidless eyes... ever staring in a Chris Lee eye irritant manner... Then from beneath that wonderful ice cream smock... the legs of Ingrid Bergman encased in hose with the seam up the back ending in a pair of Dr Martin's steel-toed face stomping boots.

Basically an inconspicuous chap... always dry heaving laughter upon sentences end... A keen mind though... and an un-ending curiosity for experimentation... Part Joel Siegel, part Joseph Mengele, part Colin Clive and unfortunately part Dr Frank-N-Furter...

He came in each and every night dragging a five foot two limp heavy black plastic bag into the room... I'd hear sawing and the sound of a Singer sewing machine all night into day... And when I awoke each morning to begin my day of film and Lord of the Rings ventures... Dr Sotha was asleep... eyes wide open.... pupils still at the center staring whilst he snored.

He'd awake with a story about children and flowers and Van Damme's MONK... Horror stories that sent shivers through my very soul. Other than the blood stained gloves and the cartilage wiped into his hair... he was a nice enough chap...

When last I saw him, he was at the Hotel Ambassadeur with a stagecoach load of items... crates... laboratory equipment labeled FRAG-GEEL-A... some sort of French word.

I left and saw him dry heaving laughter in the distance as I shot off to the Nice Airport.

Father Geek alerted me to his incarceration and detainment in the South of France... and that it was over that French Cab Driver...

You see, French Cab Driver is a code phrase... A code phrase that means only one thing. Lord of the Rings Cannes Reel? Well... In part. You see, Dr Sotha never had a chance to see the Lord of the Rings Cannes Reel... We had hired a French Cab Driver to watch the exterior of the OLYMPIA screening room day and night... The Driver's name was Pierre Fromage and ironically lactose intolerant chap that always hungered for Grilled Cheese Baguettes, but would break out into a pus-faced volcano of a man upon attempt... Sad... Anyway, Mr Fromage was working hand in hand with Dr Sotha to 'borrow' the Cannes Reel from LORD OF THE RINGS... We here at AICN know how much you folks crave to see that footage. Sure, we could have snuck a DV cam in... taped the footage, but you would have had terrible image and sound quality... There was a nice film-to-digital scanning facility set up in room 1305 at the Carlton.... Grozilla and the lovely Salomen with their soft whole cotton gloves... Oh we were ready to pull off the greatest spy mission of all time. To deliver to you the Mines Of Moria!

Upon hearing of Dr Sotha's predicament, I contacted Nanobots #345 and #543 that I had left with Peter Fromage and with Dr Sotha (unknown to them)... My little fellas have filled me in.

Turns out that French Cab Driver Peter Fromage was in fact Richard Taylor of Weta Workshops in a clever Weta bit of make-up and a stunningly ununderstandable French accent with nary a hint of Kiwi.... He intercepted the print from the Olympia theater... At the same time, Nanobot #543 tells me that Dr Sotha was mistaken for a shady French Child Porn dealer by a French Cab Driver named Piatro Legume... In trying to get what Dr Sotha thought was LORD OF THE RINGS to the Carlton he was detained by authorities that thought he was trying to sell himself on a street corner... the footage was confiscated, analyzed... and now Dr Sotha has explaining to do... Dr Sotha... on good faith injected himself with Scopolamine (truth serum) to tell the French constable that he was a victim of mistaken identity... he thought he had LORD OF THE RINGS footage... which the French could understand and sympathize with... and now he's just awaiting the red tape to end.

Sigh... that crafty Richard Taylor of Weta... a bit of mistaken identity.... and some rotten luck.... They'll getcha everytime. Being a spy and an agent... Tough jobs at times!