Ok folks, he's remained quiet, rocking back and forth in his rocker, hissing like an angry cat. But he ain't no pussy, he's Joe Hallenbeck He's pissed. He saw DEEP IMPACT. Oh yeah, he wrote this. It is angry, and I don't necessarily reccommend that you see Deep Impact, unless you want to see the effects only.
"The Horror. The Horror." In my Kurtz state of mind, that's what I found myself mumbling after viewing one of this Summer's Most Anticipated Movies. I saw this flick well over a month ago on a Monday Night at Paramount Studios. I've been trying to psyche myself up to write a review of this wretched film, but everytime I attempted to put my thoughts of the movie on the page I felt nauseous. My doc gave me some Diazapine(probably misspelled, but I don't feel like checking my Pharmaceutical Handbook to see how to spell it) and now I feel up to the task. What's this pathetic excuse of celluloid I'm referring to? Also, who is the one delivering such a scathing review of a Major Motion Picture? The answer my fellow geeks and geekettes can be found on the cover of my latest adult feature film called, "Joe Hallenbeck's DEEP IMPACT!"
Before I jump into my usual rant, I would like to deliver a message to Michael, Jerry, Bruce, and the boils and ghouls over there at Armageddon: "YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!"
Now, sit back, grab a cup of Joe(insert grotesque sexual joke here), and prepare for DEEP IMPACT(great name for a porn movie)...
The Plot - Comet v Earth...who will win? The real question here kiddies is: "Who gives a fuck?!" I was rooting for the damn comet! I've seen better drawn out and likable characters in Daylight and Volcano!!! If you don't give a rat's ass about the people then who cares if the comet collides with Mama Earth!
The writing - Written by two good writers(Bruce Joel Rubin and Michael Tolken) I expected there to be a good script and some decent characters. We get neither!!! This movie is played out like a bad TV Movie. As a matter of fact, that piece of shit Asteroid that aired on NBC was better than this!!! I was truly insulted by the hokiness and melodrama that was played out. I don't mind fluff, but give me fluff with characters I care about. Not one character in this whole damn thing sticks out...NOT ONE!!! At least ID4 had some moments with it's characters(not many). Compared to this POS, ID4 is Casa-FUCKIN'-blanca!!! I'd be ashamed to put my name on his project. It's Twister bad!!! The audience was rolling in the aisles in certain scenes(all with Elijah Wood and Little Helen Hunt -- as I like to call her). When people are laughing at so-called "serious, dramatic" moments, that ain't a good sign.
The Directing - Mimi...honey...babe, go back to TV, please? You did an adequate job with Peacemaker, but man...you completely dropped the ball on this puppy. This looked so "TV-ish" I felt as if a commercial break was going to come on at any moment. Your scenes of panic and hysteria were small and insignificant. I can shoot a more grandiose scene in my back yard. I felt as if I was watching THE BLOB. The damn thing practically had close-ups of running feet!!!
The acting - IT'S MUST SEE TV ON THE BIG SCREEN!!!
Tea Leoni, Ron Eldard, Blair Underwood, and others - To add to the fact tht this movie already has a "TV" look to it, they decided to cast a lot of familiar TV faces in some major roles. All these actors prove why they are on tv.
Morgan Freeman - one of the finest actors working today in yet another gawd awful role!!! At no point in the movie did I believe he was the President(and I'm not making a racial statement here, dumb fucks). His bland, unmemorable performance should be stricken from his Filmography(along with Hard Rain and Chain Reaction). The reason I never believed him as the President is the same reason I found it hard to swallow that Gene was the President in Absolute Power...neither of them had that "aura" about them. We're told they're the President, so they must be the President. I don't blame the actors, I blame the writers and the directors for not making these men look and act Presidential. To make things worse, the Pres isn't even in the last quarter of the movie. He just disapears!!!
Robert Duvall - the only saving grace in the movie. The man can read the ingredients off of a Tum's Bottle and make it interesting. His tragic, fatherly astronaut is the only human I gave a rat's ass about while watching the movie. Kudos to you, Mr Duvall for turning a tired, cliche role into the only bight spot of the whole movie.
Elijah Wood - a really cool child actor in a shit role. I know you tried your hardest to be adventurous and romantic with your character, but every time you and Little Helen Hunt shared screen time together I couldn't help but laugh. Your subplot was so corny that whenever you two were on screen together I could hear a mysterious voice whisper, "If you build it, he will come."
The rest - Glad they all...oops, don't want to give it away.
The F/X - When the final product comes out the 3 minute Tidal Wave scene will kick ass. Unfortunately, you have to sit through 2 hours of the most corny, over-blown theatrics to come to the screen since The Postman. 3 minutes of great F/X just doesn't cut it for me.
The music - temp tracked with Horner classics. So essentially, being that he's Horner, the temp music that I heard in the rough cut probably sounds exactly like his "original" score. I love the man's music, but STOP STEALING FROM YOURSELF!!!
Overall - Deep Impact is one expensive TV Movie. If it aired on NBC during May Sweeps I might have liked it, but since it's a major motion picture coming out real soon in the theaters I must let all of you know how wretched it truly is. Save your pennies and go see Godzilla or Armageddon when they come out. I gaurantee they'll be better than this opus(but that's not saying much).
Deep Impact is this summer's First Major Event Picture. If this movie is any indication of what this summer has in store for us, then my fellow geeks and geekettes, I'm afraid to report this.........."WE'RE FUCKED!!"
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