A KNIGHT'S TALE review

I believe that A KNIGHT’S TALE hit me stronger than it will hit most.

A KNIGHT’S TALE is meant to be pop-entertainment. It is meant to be escapist fare of the lightest most jolly of ways. The film is supposed to put a stupid grin on your face and make you feel guilty for liking it on account of its audacious decision to place Bowie and various other pop-rock pieces on top of Medieval Scenes of action and courtship.

But while all of this pop sensibility hokum was commencing, I was being sucker punched in the corner. Now I’m a noted sentimentalist of the umpteenth degree. I will probably never live down the admittance of tears upon Bruce Willis’ farewell to daughter Liv… However, I am a man that feels PMS creeping into his emotional well-being a bit more than it has any right to. I… well, as Vinnie Jones says, "It’s been emotional."

The last thirty or so minutes of A KNIGHT’S TALE… The return to London for William… The memories… the ensuing betrayals and fights to be his own man… For some neanderthalic reason I was choked up. I KNOW THAT’S SILLY! I knew it as it was happening. I was thinking… "Stop it, don’t do this… ARGH" suddenly like Jekyll on a bad night and Banner at a red light, I started to shake and tumble and go all soft inside.

Nevermind that I have read the script… or that I visited the set… That I knew that those jousting grounds were outside Prague, that those interiors were shot in the same rooms that Leni Riefenstahl edited TRIUMPH OF THE WILL… Oh no, there I was, sap that I am… actually worried about the outcome of the final fight, knowing full well that in a pop film like this we all know how it’s gonna wind up. Knowing that good will conquer evil… Knowing that I’m in the safety of a Summer Hollywood Film… Knowing all of that, there I was… Putty Boy, stuck to the newspaper pulling the reverse of the image before me. It felt like SNOOPY COME HOME all over again… I mean, I knew Snoopy would never really leave Charlie Brown… Charles Schultz would never pull a Robert Crumb and icepick his cash cow out of wild anti-commercial rage… BUT STILL… There I was… emotionally manipulated… and loving it.

I’m such a pansy when it comes to emotional manipulation. I’m a Capra freak, a Spielberg slut and a Musical slob… I weep and hope for Woody Allen to score with babes he has no right to be with. Every single time I see THE KARATE KID I get suckered into thinking that ol Ralph will lose. Every single time Spock goes limp in the radiation chamber and those blasted bagpipes play, I freak. When they strap El Cid into the saddle and he rides into legend… When E.T. springs to life… All ridiculous reasons to have tears welling up… This ain’t SOPHIE’S CHOICE, I’m talking about scenes like when Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland obey King Richard’s final order, scenes where you have NO REASONABLE REASON TO GET EMOTIONAL… There I am, getting emotional.

Not everyone is like that, not everyone gets so damn caught up in the ridiculous notion of concern for the imaginary being upon a flat screen in a multiplex, but I do.

Me, I got all worried about Heath Ledger and his mates… I wanted everything to work out… For some insane reason I actually thought it might not, and there came the emotion. Maybe in my subconcious noggin, I drew a parallel between his return to London and my own return to Austin after my parents divorce…. There would be no real reason to do that, nothing short of the loosest possible points of association… But there I was completely suckered.

And this in a JOCK film… A friggin ROCKY, KARATE KID… with sticks flick. Like the boxing in ROCKY or the Karate in THE KARATE KID film, I got caught up with a mainline of adrenal gland juice from the sport of choice exhibited here. JOUSTING. I’ve seen maybe 300 – 400 jousts in real life at various Renaissance Faires around the country… Not once have I seen a Lance split like they do here… I mean, this looks brutal… It looks so violent… so dangerous… so fun that I thought… "Huhuh… that’s coool!"

Now A KNIGHT’S TALE isn’t one of the greatest movies ever… It’s just dead on what I was in the mood to see last week. I wanted a movie to make me sit up and go COOL… In recent weeks I’ve had to suffer through films so awful I couldn’t even muster the energy to hate them in type… Films that made me feel like the world was dead and cold and flipping in the grave of space. But A KNIGHT’S TALE… well, it is so filled with life and joy… It completely communicates the desire to be a knight in shining armor… the joy of courting a lady fair… To have seconds praying for each success and triumph… to have your own Black Knight to be pitted against… to get excited and thrilled at the thought of merely knocking the bastard off his bloody horse… Not killing him, not dropping something heavy on him… BUT TO KNOCK HIM OFF HIS FRIGGIN HORSE!!! That’s it! Just to shut the bastard up. Put his high fallopian aristocratic spoilt ass in the dirt! That’s beautiful.

In addition to this, you get a stunning performance from Paul Bettany as Chaucer. Paul is an actor that I can tell you right now… EVERYONE WILL KNOW HIS NAME! Bettany is dead on the shit. He is so good in this film, that I found myself wanting a sequel that follows him, not Heath… Heath’s William is destined for raising kids and knocking more chaps from their four legged beasties… But I want to see Bettany’s Chaucer gathering his other Canterbury Tales…

Not since Siskel cried to see the continuing adventures of Ferdinand the talking Goose have I wanted something this bad. I want more CHAUCER!!! A MILLER’S TALE… A REEVE’S TALE… A COOK’S TALE… THE WIFE OF BATH’S TALE…. THE FRIAR’S TALE… THE SUMMONER’S TALE… THE CLERK’S TALE…. THE MERCHANT’S TALE… THE SQUIRE’S TALE…. THE FRANKLIN’S TALE… THE PHYSICIAN’S TALE…. And so on and so forth…

Having just returned from London, can I also say how much I wish London still looked like this London. Where the tallest buildings would be the palace of old and the jousting arena and such… Ahhh to visit 1375 London and Paris… The world of A KNIGHT’S TALE… the music maybe ours, but the age is theirs. If you are a romantic in any way, see the film. If you believe romance is for fools and bedding a woman is a bit of sport… then steer clear, this is not the journey for you.

P.S. To the Talk Backers below taking potshots based on the trailers at me... Watch when the other critics reviewing this one come in... Already Rolling Stone's Peter Travers and FilmCritic.Com's Christopher Null dug the hell out of it. Many many others will follow. But go on, talk shit about a film you haven't seen. Good move. Classy.