Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
It's a really rough time to be an Evil Genius right now. As you may or may not have heard, depending on how frequently you read WORLD DOMINATION DAILY, we're gearing up for a Guild strike this summer. Yes, it's true. Evil Geniuses have their own union, and we're upset by such things as the recent crackdown on Henchmen Abuse (something I've been guilty of from time to time), all sorts of lawsuits from the Plucky Female Reporter's Guild, and even that damn possessory credit. If I find myself on the picket lines this summer, it's nice to know I'll be joined by my good friend DR. MICHAEL HFUHRUHURR. I just had dinner with him and his lovely wife Anne recently, and he mentioned that he would be sending this report. Looks like it was worth the wait. Doctor?
To: The esteemed Harry J. Knowles and my frequent brain-swapping partner Mr. Moriarty.
From: Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr, pioneer of the Cranial Screw-top Method (TM) of brain transplantation.
Re: A discourse on the brain-capacity necessary to consider and/or execute a sequel to the successful motion picture entitled "AMERICAN PIE."
As a dedicated student of the brain and its functions, my ears immediately perk up when I hear such Hollywood phrases as "It's a no-brainer!" or "Have they lost their friggity-friggin' minds!?" I've been hearing both of these phrases bandied about lately with regard to the production of a sequel to a well-regarded motion picture entitled AMERICAN PIE (which, in the interest of full-disclosure, I must admit I enjoyed immensely).
The studio and bean-counters are of the opinion that a modestly-priced sequel to a 100 million dollar grossing film is a no brainer. To fans and movie geeks the opinion seems to be more of the "have they lost their minds!?" variety. Why can't they leave well enough alone? After all, one is hard-pressed to name a descent or even watchable sequel to a teen sex comedy. So I decided to get to the bottom of this by obtaining a copy of the script and giving it a good going-over.
No easy task. The AMERICAN PIE II script is more closely guarded than John F. Kennedy's brain. It has been given a fake title ("SECRET DISGUISE"), a fake author ("RUDOLPHO M. VENEZUELA" -- it's really Adam Herz, the author of the original) and has been photo-copied in a rainbow of colors. This all seems rather silly to me and, well, it didn't quite work did it? Disguised as a grip (I simply removed my brain), I wandered onto the film set, helped myself to some craft service, seduced a few co-eds, purloined a copy of the script, and made it safely home without anyone noticing. That evening, I sat down with a warm cup of tea, some Mozart and began reading...
Tea immediately flew out of my nostrils! I have not laughed this hard and this long in quite some time. In fact, I am not generally prone to fits of laughter at all. My neighbors, fearing the worst, called the paramedics, but that's another story altogether.
Anywhoo, I don't want to give anything away because funny movie scenes are such a scarcity these days that it would be a crime to spoil them for your loyal readers. But I will say this: if nothing goes afoul in production, the AMERICAN PIE sequel will be funnier than the original! I know, I know, that sounds absurd and I'm terrified of hanging my bare bottom out there with a statement like that. But nevertheless, that's how it struck me. My fear had been that by trying to top the original film, the writer and producers would have gone way, way over the top and the humor would have felt forced -- as if they were trying too hard to be outrageous. Thankfully, that is not the case.
That being said, I have always been of the opinion that the first movie was successful not because we were allowed to see a young man thrusting his wiggy-wig into a warm fruit pie, or because another young man drank a beer tainted with the swimming seeds of pro-creation, or because we saw boobies. These were certainly well-remembered moments, but the true and enduring success of the motion picture, I believe, had to do with its genuine core of honesty and sincerity. AMERICAN PIE's deep, dark secret is that it is not a teen sex-comedy, but rather it's a sweet, simple story about growing up disguised as a teen sex-comedy (I might add that the same was true for the original PORKY'S, but they blew it with the sequels). The sex stuff is merely icing on the cake. The real reason people responded to AMERICAN PIE so well is that they actually felt like they knew the characters and were, indeed, right there with them every step of the way. When you left the theater, you left some good friends behind.
The sequel does not forget or ignore this fact. And that is exactly why it works (on the page) and, I believe, will not disappoint anyone (in the theaters). Once again, we get to tag along with these well-crafted, familiar characters as they stumble along life's awkward highway of adolescence. (Golly! What phrasing! I should have been a writer myself!) The movie takes place during the summer after everyone's first year in college (and no, thank God, they don't go to Hawaii or Club Med -- they stay right in their home town). It's a very critical summer for everyone involved -- the summer when you try desperately to hold on to the past, to make sure things will never change between you and your friends even though, sadly, the writing is on the wall. That is the real and heartfelt core that this sequel is built around. And once again, we will be cleverly fooled into thinking it's just another hysterical teen-sex comedy, but a deeper part of our brains will recognize that it is actually something honest and sincere. Something with resonance. After finishing the script, and feeling much relief that they got it right (thanks, in no small part I'm sure, to Adam Herz's continued involvement), I was disappointed only in that I had to say goodbye to these characters once again. That's why this film will work where its predecessors have failed. In other teen sex comedy sequels, the characters seem old, tired and forced upon us. Here, they're the same... yet different. We know them, but we can also see the changes slowly taking place within them. It feels right. It feels real.
But, lest I sound all gooey and emotional, do not forget this important fact: YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR ASSES OFF! SNOT WILL FLY FROM YOUR NOSE! YOU WILL WET YOUR PANTS! So be prepared. What's in store for you? Here's a sampling of the icing that is on this cake:
Stifler's dad!
Nadia returns... and she wants Jim!
Finch's secret to a bigger, better orgasm!
Oz gets his "Nova" back!
Jim and some, uh, crazy glue!
Lesbians!
Michelle returns to band camp!
The secret rule of "3"!
And last but not least...
Eugene Levy! Eugene Levy! Eugene Levy!
The doctor's final verdict: It's a no brainer, but there's also no need to check your brain at the door. This will be a fine, fine motion picture and should break the curse of the teen sex comedy sequel. If not, then I will have my own head examined. By me, of course.
