Hey folks, Harry here. There are few things on this earth I truly despise and hate as much as the 30th Anniversary Edition of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD... (CLICK HERE TO READ THAT REVIEW) When I heard that the same folks that sunk money into that abysmal latrine of hell, were making a 'Living Dead' film with Tom Savini... My stomach began swirling like the merry-go-round at the end of STRANGERS ON A TRAIN. Word leaked out that the script was akin to a poodle dog turd and that the acting (besides Tom) was uninspired... Well, I've been awaiting the first review. And now, the mysterious Uncapie has stepped forward and submitted a nightmare of a film review. Listening to him describe the plot resulted in a headache. Beware of spoilers, but reading it all may save you some money. My only wish is that he would comment on the gore... Here's Uncapie...
Now, I liked the first two "Dead" movies. They had a certain style of impending danger. A true, "end of the world" feel to them. The third one I didn't care for at all and I really don't like this new installment: "Children Of the Dead". I'd rather have watched "Blood Sucking Monkeys From West Mifland, Pennsylvania" hosted by "Count Floyd" than this tuna!
We first start off with an action sequence that takes place right after "Dawn" and "Day" left us in that eighties time period with our man, Tom Savini at the helm as an ex-cop, turned survivalist, blowing away the dead left and right. Savini's good in those kind of roles, but he was over used in this and he got to be predictable after ten minutes of zombie nullifying. One bad continuity moment is when he runs out of ammo and his 9mm automatic blows back open, then he jumps on a car and it magically reloads itself. Amazing. Another scene has a reflector shine from a key light on the side of a building that appears and disappears at will. Truly amazing.
Savini and his former cop partner friend, who had this annoying birthmark under his right eye shaped like a red diamond from a deck of cards that kept drawing everyone's attention in the audience to, follow a trail to ex-rapist/murderer Abbott Hays who has kidnapped a group of small school and has them locked in an abandoned horse stall. Savini makes the remark that the dead zombies aren't interested in children, which blows the story's credibility. This is simply not true, because there's a scene in "Dawn Of the Dead" where two children jump out of a closet at Ken Foree and of course, the original where you had Kyra "I hurt." Schon as "Karen" armed with a spade munching away on a fresh heart.
The kids are rescued and evil Abbott Hays is discovered, he himself now part of the walking dead who kills Savini.
14 years later...
The world has turned back into its former self like nothing ever happened. A group of kids, complete with a "Mystery Van" and an "Old Mr. Jenkins" reference(Shades of "Scooby Doo!) pull up to the old Hays mansion and party on Abbott Hays' mother's grave. Hays, an older, but wiser, zombie(How could he stay alive this long without being caught or for that matter totally rot away?) sees this and causes the kids demise. They are brought back after the funeral to do his bidding. You see, some of these kids were the kidnapped children seen earlier.
Okay, now it gets worse...
An auto dealership is to be built on the site of the graveyard and Abbott Hays' property. Turns out that Abbott Hays was raised by his domineering mother that dressed him up as a girl all the time(Shades of "Psycho" and "Dressed To Kill".) so he went around and kidnapped and killed women until he got caught and was executed. Somehow, his body was never found. All the townspeople are afraid of Abbott Hays, who was killed 14 years earlier, lurking around at night, but none of them, and I mean NONE of them talk about the zombie holocaust that took place ALL OVER THE WORLD! Considering that the dead out numbered the living at 400,000 to 1("Day Of the Dead" factoid.) you'd think they'd at least have a reference there.
The film became so incredulous that there were two guys in the back row catcalling the movie. One guy yelled out, "This movie is a classic!" Lots of laughs. Then, a woman yelled "Shut up! This is a serious film!" and the whole theater lost it after that! She left in a huff and brought down two security guards with her and had the two guys ejected. Later, I found out that she was the producer. Zoinkz, Scooby!
The entire filmed looked like it was shot on 16mm and the sound was added later. There were moments that the dialogue didn't match up with the actors mouths. The lighting and cinematography was atrocious. Use a lightmeter next time. The script(?) was totally unbelievable and the acting, substandard except for Savini. He's the only saving grace in the film, but his total screen time is about twenty minutes. Makes you wonder what he would have been like in Roberto Rodrigues' version of "Zorro" as the bad guy as Savini does have a presence on the screen. Yes, Savini comes back at the end to save the day and take out the evil Abbott Hays once and for all. "Zombie Man" to the rescue! Weeeeee!
A fifth installment, "City Of the Dead", is in the works right now. They can stop while they're ahead and just send me the money.
By-the-way, no Canadians or Canadian locations were used in this film, you bastages!
Uncapie
