Folks, Harry here... I had a choice to see 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND tonight... or watch Fellini's 8 1/2 on the big screen... After the complete freakin nightmare that was MONKEY BONE, I wanted a sure thing. A film that re-energized me for sure... and from this selection of reviews... I chose wisely. It really sounds awful. Me, I recommend checking out the Carpenter ELVIS with Russell from a million years ago... far better for the soul. Now beware... these reviews are brutal...
I don't know if you wish to post this, but if you have already posted reviews for 3000 Miles to Graceland, I missed it. They had a 96 Rock sponsored sneak preview tonight here in Atlanta, and I managed to sit through the whole gawd-awful thing. If I told you that the phrase that fell out of my mouth after watching this movie was "I would rather have seen another showing of Battlefield Earth" -- would you believe me? I don't even believe it myself, but I said it. No hesitation. Barely a stutter. This movie is worse than Battlefield Earth.
Or maybe I am being too harsh. After all, it has Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell in it. Oh, and let's not forget Christian "Will Work for Food" Slater, David "Idiot and Proud" Arquette and Howie "Radio Shack Pitchman" Long. But it is easy to do, as each one of these seeming stars gets only a handful of onscreen time each. Arquette barely gets in his five or six lines, each of them delivered with the skill and verve that only a spokesman for CALL-ATT can muster, before he ends up a riddled corpse lying in a deep mud puddle in the desert. Mud. Desert. Hmm. Nevermind.
And they should all feel so lucky. Costner is chewing scenery like its beef jerky. Heck, he even chews beef jerky, literally. The basic premise, I suppose, is that Costner and Russell did time together in the Big House. Now they are both out of prison, and so it must be time for the Big Job. But then there is the whole Elvis impersonator thing. And this odd subplot about Elvis having two bastard sons, and they might just be... Then you have Ice-T show up for about three minutes to eat a jelly sandwich and do a bad Desperado impression. Oh, and Courtney Cox Arquette points her ass at the camera many times, and then there is this kid that witnesses all manner of brutality with nary a flinch and hones his pickpocketing technique.
And you sit there watching Costner, hoping he might do something cool, since the sideburns do serve him well. But he never does. Then you turn to Russell, pray he saves it, and you realize that he is nothing but a bad Swayze with bluer eyes.
Did I tell you yet about the scorpions? This is what told me in the first 30 seconds that this film was going to disappoint me. First, some history.
Sam Peckinpah. Directed "The Wild Bunch" -- the pivotal Western film that beautifully captured the end of the cowboy era. A landmark film. One that ends in a famous and bloody standoff between the anti-heroes and the not so just authorities. It is amazing. And it begins with scorpions, battling in the desert sand, much to the delight of sagebrush children watching closely. Real scorpions. No winners. Analogous to the fate that awaits the Wild Bunch.
Fast forward. Demian Lichtenstein. Director of such films as... well, one film actually. 1997. Called "Lowball" -- reviewed simply in the IMDB with "In a word, avoid." I never saw it. And now he begins "3000 Miles" with scorpions. 3-D scorpions. Looking as realistic as an airbrushed mural on the side of a 1978 Ford Econoline van. And these cyber-scorpions, well, they fight you see. One white, one black. And this is all filmed with the finesse of a bad Metallica video, perhaps even worse. And it looks hideous. What makes it worse is that the black scorpion figures later into the plot. Sort of.
It is bad. Not even "Let's have a few beers and watch this" bad. The cinematography is poor and misplaced. The score sounds like scraps brushed from the floor of Jan Hammer (remember Miami Vice), and the Elvis tracks they managed to acquire aren't even that good. Not even "Viva Las Vegas" is to be found. The writing is hackneyed and misogynistic. I could go on. But why?
In a word. Avoid.
Just Thomas
Now we move onto The Moor of Venice... who would've been better served to be in Venice tonight is looks like. Here ya go...
The Moor of Venice caught a screening of this Bruckheimer immitation piece of trash tonight. For those low souls who revel in cinema that entails bodycount, you'll be thrilled. The rest of us will feel abused to a high degree. It was th etype of screening where many people don't wait for the credits to roll before getting up to leave.
Turns out this is not some "Ocean 11's" type caper film with a grinning Costner and Russell in tow like i thought it would be. That myth is destroyed in a hail of Matrik styled, Woo derivitive gunfire that comes 10 minutes into the film. Innocent bystanders, cops and midgets are not spared. People are murdered without relent in this film. What this is is action trash and nothing more. Those pinning for the likes of Ford Fairlane 2 will be at ease with this movie. It's script is laughably bad, filled with plot holes and circumstance to pull things along. Very little of it makes much sense and what few parts do are perdictable. Costner, Russel and a few other wasted actors, Christian Slater, no implications intended, knock off a casino, their plan goes to Hell. We get the standard betrayals and backstabbings. We get murder and sex and all kinds of deviant behavior. But not much of it is very fun. What few bits to enjoy are usually circumvented with gunfire. This is the type of film that typifies bad directing, whoever this worthless director is. It has constant flashes of music video styled editing that prove pointless and annoying. The majority of this project is a total washout. What inspired the floundering duo of Costner and Russel to join into the mayhem is beyond me. Such crap wouldn't save anyones career. Only the kid actor whose name is unknown to me can walk away without my resentment. He steals most of his scenes. But then again, it's almost as if they intended him to.
The Moor Of Venice
The Marvelous Mark is our next victi... reviewer of 3k miles to Graceland and came up with feces... here ya go...
When my friend and i strolled into the movie theatre today we had no idea we'd be seeing a screening of 3000 miles. We had intended to see 'Down to Earth", and then we planned on sneaking into "Snatch" after it was done. After 'Down to Earth' we quickly ducked into the theatre marked as 'Snatch'. Unfortunately to our great dismay it was a screening for the movie '3000 Miles to Graceland".
I had seen previews for the movie, I figured hey, its got Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell... can't be THAT bad. So my friend and I stayed for the show. Now i have to admit, this movie generated an all time first for me. Never to this day have I walked out on a film that i payed money to go see, and believe me i've sat through some terrible movies. But tonight, I just couldn't take it. I had already sat through one bad movie that day (which at least made me laugh a few times), but 3000 miles was just making me angry while i watched.
I'd have to compare it to a movie such as 'Reindeer Games' (Which in my opinion, as TERRIBLE as it was, was still a better movie than '3,000 Miles'). I almost feel bad for the director and the actors who somehow got stuck making this piece of shit. Let's see we've got a movie about guys who just got out of jail and decide to rob a casino wearing Elvis customes amidst an Elvis convention. It's 'Reindeer Games' only with Elvis customes instead of Santa suits. Pure genius.
The movie itself offers nothing original. Throw in some Matrix-like special effects... pretend we're John Woo behind the camera (no matter how far from the truth that may be)... throw in your techno soundtrack, and edit the movie like a music video (which makes sense because thats where director Demian Lichtenstein got his start). A hot girl gets tossed in about every ten minutes to keep your interest. In fact, i would've left earlier than i did tonight had it not been for the hope of seeing Courtney Cox naked... but eventually the movie was just too much for me to take.
Speaking of Courtney Cox, that brings me to another point. What the hell is this woman doing with David Arquette (who undoubtably happens to be in this movie.) Is this guy's appeal somehow lost on me? I suppose he was OKAY in scream... but then again he was just playing some normal guy in that. Now he seems to be popping up everywhere... in the kinda shit only 14-year old boys think is funny (See spot run??? Is there no God?) Well anyway, his performance is no different here. I'm still wondering why Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell... Christian Slater are stooping down to this level. Have they just given up? Stoped trying?
The dialogue for the movie is utterly ridicolous. Imagine David Arquette and Christian Slater in the back seat of a car arguing about 'who would win in Celebrity Death Match - Elvis or Frank Sinatra?'. Of course Arquette makes the mistake of saying Elvis would go down, at which point Kevin Costner pulls the car over to the side of the road. "Elvis would never go down. Dont ever say that again."
Am i supposed to take this movie seriously after this shit? It doesnt get any better than that. Of course, with any movie about Elvis, there needs to be the same lame jokes we've heard a billion times. After receiving a compliment on his Elvis custome, Kurt Russell turns and says "thank you... thank you very much." You can only guess what other unoriginal jokes find there way into this movie.
So yah, after 45 "action-packed" minutes, my friend and I decided enough was enough. I had to leave while Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell still held a SHRED of my respect. If you enjoy bad movies like ' Reindeer Games '... by all means see this work of art. But honestly, i enjoyed RG more than what i saw here tonight... and if i remember correctly Reindeer Games DIDN'T force me to endure Dave Arquette for nearly two hours.
Avoid this p.o.s. if you can.
Peace,
Marvelous Mark
Pablo is our next reviewer and he declares it a fairly mixed bag that was ultimately disappointing. Hmmmmm....
Look at the cast. Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Christian Slater, Courtney Cox, Kevin Pollack, Bokeem Woodbine, Thomas Haden Church, Howie Long, David Arquette and Jon Lovitz. 3000 Miles to Graceland should have been a fun movie, if nothing else. But it’s not. What were these people thinking?
Russell is Michael, the hero. Costner is Murphy, the bad guy. Along with Slater, Arquette and Woodbine they rob a casino in Las Vegas during an International Elvis Impersonators Convention. They make off with $3.2 million. This happens in the first fifteen minutes.
Murphy is a trigger-happy psycho. He kills the rest of the gang, planning to keep all the money for himself. But Michael (who was wearing a bulletproof vest) has hidden the money at a motel in the middle of nowhere, run by single mother Cox. Michael takes off with the money, along with Cox and her son.
The rest of the movie deals with Murphy chasing Michael and the money. There are also a few twists and turns along the way in an attempt to keep things interesting. No such luck.
This is a classic case of all style and no substance. Director/co-writer Demian Lichtenstein likes to blow things up, but he has no idea how to tell a story. Mostly he just borrows from other movies and tries to show off. There is no originality here. It’s all painfully predictable and boring.
What should have been a fun, 90-minute ride instead winds up lasting over two hours. It just doesn’t quit. There are long shootouts and scenes that go on and on.
The acting is a mixed bag. Most of the roles are tiny. Only Russell, Costner and Cox have a substantial amount of screen time. Russell appears bored most of the time and his character is dull and familiar. Cox looks great but isn’t a very good actress. Costner, however, looks like he is having a great time and is actually quite enjoyable and even funny. He at least gets points for effort. Danny Kaye also turns in a solid performance as Cox’s cocky, street-smart kid.
3000 Miles to Graceland has its moments, just not enough of them. For every good laugh, there are ten lame shootouts. It also fails miserably when it tries to get serious and dramatic. Costner has definitely been in worse movies, but not by much. Next time get a director that knows what he’s doing.
Pablo
