Hallenbeck rants and raves on everything from Psycho Re-Make (I agree Joe) to SXSW, so let me put my WARNING. HALLENBECK is about to unload with some of the harshest language the world has seen! He is about to offend some. His opinions are his own, even if I do agree the Psycho remake is about equal to a pile of fresh greasy donkey dung. They'll probably take the Herrmann score off, and put in Hanson (Van Sant's latest video shoot!)
There I was, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, trapped like the rat I am inside what appeared to be a meat locker. The bone chilling experience almost broke me. Hours before, after my abduction at a Test Screening for Deep Impact, sitting under a bright light, I had been interrogated by some "henchman" who may or may not have worked for NRG. They grilled me on everything...What's my real name? How do I get my info? Who are my sources?...shit like that. Suffice it to say they got nuttin' outta moi. They were happy they finally caught me, but were pissed at the fact they couldn't break me. Luckily for me, I was wearing one of my many latex masks so they didn't get a glimpse of my real face. I think they knew I was in disguise, but they didn't care to take off the mask. It's like when Batman is apprehended by one of his villians...they have the opportunity to find out his real identity, but they have too much respect for the mask. Anyways, back to me in the meat locker. I had to escape. I had to get out of there and report to my fellow geeks about the movie I had just seen. I also had to get out of there and make my pilgrimage to Mecca(aka Harry's House in Austin). I had to attend the SXSW Film Fest. I thought I was doomed...then, I remembered something I saw in a Renny Harlin flick. Yeah, you know what scene I'm talking about...Geena, the kid, meat locker, door go boom. Thank heaven my mask was lined with C4 and I was able to get out of that joint.
That was many weeks ago. You ask, why has it taken me so long to report on that Deep Impact Screening and SXSW? Hey, I'm a busy spy...I've got movies to see, careers to make/destroy and chicks to do. Now that I have a little free time on my hands, I've decided to write up this little report. I won't be reviewing Deep Impact(or the other movie I saw, Apt Pupil) during this little rant, but I assure you my reviews will be in on those flicks very soon. In the meantime, let I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, relate to you my misadventures at the SXSW Film Fest....but before I do that I must get something off my rock-hard chest:
Like I do everyday, I woke up at Dawn and jogged 20 miles to the nearest 7-11 to pick up the Hollywood Reporter(I hate Variety...too bulky). As I was jogging back, I began to flip through today's news. BAM!!! Like a Mac Truck it hits me...a headline that reads: "Van Sant, Grazer on 'Psycho' Trail." I say to myself, "This has gotta be a fuckin' joke!" I finish the article...IT AIN'T!!! It's at this point I begin to vomit uncontrollably. How can anyone with an IQ over 20 even consider remaking Psycho? Furthermore, how can two great filmmakers like Brian "Imagine" Grazer and "Good Will" Gus Van Sant attach themselves to such a blasphemus project?! And to top all that, how can anyone even consider remaking the film shot-for-shot...line-for-line?! It sickens me to think that this movie is going to see the light of day. I'm so sick and fuckin' tired of these mother fuckin' morons remaking classic films. 99.9% of the time these remakes are horrendous pieces of shit. They lessen how great the originals were. Why, in Spiel...I mean God's name do these fuckin' chimps with checkbooks greenlight these projects?! There are thousands of great scripts, short stories, and novels out there that would make incredible movies. Why do these assholes insist on remaking classics? If it ain't broke, why fix it? If this project gets off the ground, and it sure looks like it will, then I curse everyone who is involved with it. May you die a horrible, painful death in the back alley behind some roach infested Chinese Restaurant and may you rot in hell for all Eternity with mass murderers, literary agents, and single, unwed mothers!!! I spit upon ANYONE who is associated with this dispicable film!!! DIE, YOU SCUM-SUCKING, TALENTLESS, UNORIGINAL, MOTHERFUCKING, NATALIE COLE LISTENING TO, SLOTH-LIKE CREATURES THAT YOU ARE!!!
Anywho...on to my experience at SXSW....
After my death-defying escape, Flunky Side-Kick, myself, and a new member to the party...let's call him Zorro, The Gay Blade...piled into the Hallenbeck-Mobile and headed off to that great city known as Austin. Like every movie geek and geekette should do once in their lives, I made that Pilgrimage to Mecca...and what a pilgrimage it was. But, I don't think you want to hear about our journey. You would like for I, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, to review the flicks I saw while attending the SXSW Festivities...
The first flick I saw while in the land that created Line-Dancing was the worst of the bunch...THE NEWTON BOYS. I won't even bother reviewing this waste of celluloid. I'll only say this: "Take every heist movie you've ever seen and add a Texan accent. That's the Newton Boys in a nutshell."
