Finally, through much legal wrangling, I am now allowed to tell you that I have sold out. Warner Brothers in a desperate attempt to silence me from continuing to scream about their continual dismal film efforts entered into negotiations in December with... Harry Knowles, me.
Knowing I would be hanged by every fan on the internet, I have waited silently while working through the red tape. What did Warner's do? Well, not since 1939, when RKO gave Orson Welles a blanket production deal with an unheard of budget, has a veritable unknown been entrusted with the keys to a studio's kingdom.
The deal with me is worth $400 million dollars over 10 pictures. Warners is of course silent on the matter, fearing backlash from it's brother studios. Meanwhile, I and my production partner, Chris Pula, former President of Theatrical Marketing for Warner Brothers, have been drawing up my slate. And here for the first time, I'm giving all you readers a look at why I sold out.
I am using $399 million dollars to produce the greatest comic book movie of all time. The other $1 million will finance 9 low budget independent monster/zombie/kung fu films made by unknown fan-first-time directors chosen at random from the Ain't It Cool Forums.
What is the $399 million dollar comic book movie. The film that will be written, directed and starring Harry (ME) Knowles? None other than issues 8,9 and 10 of Gilbert Shelton's epic FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS. One of the greatest 3 issue arcs in comic history. The story arc was titled IDIOTS ABROAD, but the film will be called THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS.
It will be a 3 hour and 15 minute NC-17 feature, that boldly says James Cameron, you thought you risked it all, well I'm crazier!!!
Why? Why would Harry throw it all away on this 'pipe dream'?
Well, growing up in Austin, Texas (where the original story was created) Harry's father came into possession with all the Original Art for the fantastic Freak Brothers comix. I read the stories. Poured over them. Laughed my ass off even. I do not smoke pot or do any drugs at all, but felt the humor so strong, the story so emotionally resonant that it needed to be brought to the screen as only I could bring it.
"It won't make any money Harry! What are you thinking?"
Wrong. The Fabulous Freak Brother comics have been reprinted well over 20 editions here in the United States. More than any other comic series in history. Also the European and Latin American markets are tremendous Gilbert Shelton and Freak Brothers fanatics.
Why did I come out today with the announcement?
Because I just secured my cast.
As Freewheeling Franklin, I secured the acting talents of Woody Harrelson, who it should be noted has donated all profits from this film to NORML. The Franklin character is a native of San Francisco. Woody's character will be decked out in the outfit always found in the comics, which consists of the trademark cowboy hat & boots. He is a car owner with an aggressive edge, his typical days consist of getting stoned & trying to make money without working, i.e, dealing. Franklin's drugs of choice are without a doubt anything pharmaceutical, with a little weed to mellow out after. Franklin also appears to know every dealer in the US by name. A true member of the beatnik underground.
Tommy Chong was the first to sign on as Phineas Phogg. He will be portraying the 'purest' of the hippy trio. Often found barefoot, he is a great thinker, his inventive side manifests itself in the design of new drugs or strange contraptions. A back to nature sort of guy, his idea of heaven is a world without clothes, without government and without hassle.Phineas is a pot head, but often can be found chasing it with a line or two.
And then there's me. I'll be playing the role of Fat Freddy. A role I have been growing towards my entire life. Frederick Freakowtski is a human garbage disposal system he will eat, drink, smoke, swallow or inhale anything. A few ounces short of a lid, Freddy can be relied upon to screw up almost any task entrusted to him, I know, it's a stretch, but dammit, I'm worthy to the task!!! Favorite consumable is whatever is nearest to his hand at the time, followed by enough beer to float an ocean liner. Also the owner of the coolest cartoon cat ever. But unfortunately my character's cat is not in the storyline as of yet, and the CG needed to bring the cat to life isn't allowed for in the $399 million dollar budget.
Why is it so expensive? Well all drugs seen in the film will be real. I'm striving for authenticity here. I'm from the Brando school, as are Woody and Tommy. We will do anything for our art.
In the "Idiots Abroad," storyline written between 1982 and 1987 and published in a series of three full color comix, Gilbert Shelton and Paul Mavrides pulled out all the stops. It all started simply enough, as the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers decided it would be cheaper to fly to Colombia and buy some herbs right at the source. They make this decision after almost being busted by the psychotically devoted NARC Nerdowski, played by Robert Downey Jr (as part of his community service)
Things begin to go wrong at the airport though, and before you know it Fat Freddy's (me) trying to hide a nuclear bomb from international terrorists. The leader of the terrorists will be none other than Robert Deniro, who took mucho deniro to be convinced to play the role. Actually, it was the depth of the script, but he did ask for a lot of money. But hey, it's Warner's not mine.
Meanwhile Freewheelin' Frank's been captured by pirates, whose leader will be played by Robin Williams. Robin called me up crying to play Freewheeling Franklin, but I felt Woody was emotionally ready for the role, and besides Robin already had his Oscar. It's Woody's turn.
Finally Phineas becomes the richest man in the world, with the help of Peter Fonda as his broker! He lives in the lap of luxury, buying the Palace of Versailles. Jack Nicholson attempted to win the part of Phineas, but I said NO! You already have 3 Oscars, and Tommy Chong, after almost being destroyed by the Reagan/Bush years needs to join the ranks of the greatest actors of the 20th Century. If I win the award for best actor, I will hand it, willingly to Tommy Chong, in an emotionally charged moment that would captivate the world.
The rest of the story, the casts of thousands, round the world locations and the hundreds of cameos, including a well known currently anonymous non-inhaler,Dennis Hopper, Quentin Tarantino, Richard Linklater, Mike Judge, Robert Rodriguez and Cheech Marin as Columbian Drug Dealers, will all be gathered up to shoot this summer. The plan is to release it on May 25th, 1999 opposite George Lucas' Episode One.
Hey, never tell me the odds. This is my dream. If you felt I've sold out cheap, I dare you to find someone that made such a noble and authentic pursuit out of the process. I have final cut, marketing, and 50% from day one from the box office. By the way, all Warner films have been put on hiatus pending the profit Warners is anticipating. Now you know why I AM LEGEND was shelved, why SUPERMAN was pushed back.
As a filmmaker I can promise you nothing short of a revelation. A film shot on 4-strip Technicolor IMAX 3-D with absolutely no effects shots. When a nuke goes off, it really goes off. When a line of coke disappears, that's $400. And there are lots of disappearing lines. The crew will be made up of volunteer roadies, bikers and hippies. The soundtrack will include all new recordings by Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, James Brown, Willie Nelson and more.
I hope you don't think less of me. I will be letting you in on the filmmaking process, and I am especially looking forward to the state of conciousness writings I will be doing during this, my first film project. I will be having an open set, and every reader gets a JUST SAY NO T-Shirt absolutely free. We hope by showing the ludricous side to drug abuse, just how silly it is, we can make it uncool enough, even legal, thereby taking it out of the hands of our youth.
Because surely they are, our future.
