Father Geek here, you may have noticed the lack of an Africa-AICN column Friday. Well that's because Dr. SOTHA and crew have sailed to the Rotterdam International Film Festival to cover it for us. There will be detailed reports soon. I received this from him today...

I'll be back on weds. from Rotterdam, and unfortunately everything here is on mac, and i'm on a pc, so I can't send you all the stuff i've put together until I return. I've got a few interviews with African filmmakers (Zimbabwe, South Africa etc.) and some European filmmakers, along with a couple of film reviews. Look forward to sending you everything, sorry it can't be earlier.

DR.SOTHA

Trouble is that SOTHA's departure left no one to mind his South African clinics and labs. It seems he just locked up and left, secure in the knowledge that none of his experiments could escape the steel doors and iron bars of his specimen cages. Well, best laid plans and all, it seems one of his more sane creations has managed to reach through the bars to a nearby keyboard and after several days of beating on it has belched out the following special report...

Just call me Chainsaw, I'm sending this to you from an underwater submarine off the coast of Amanzimtoti. For those unfamiliar with the town it is near Durban, which is in South Africa. I don't live in a submarine I just pretend to to help keep my ID secret. Anyhow's it's no point in me writing reviews of current movies because you would have seen them about 6 months ago and we do not have the luxury of preview screenings. But I thought what the hell I enjoy your site I'll send you a bit of my brain.

It was about 6 months ago, minus 6 years; add on about 6 seconds that I found myself sitting on my ass in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That's the one on earth. I sat there bobbing up and down on my inflatable minding everyone's business, but my own. Every now and then a seagull would fly past and I would wave. I had fallen asleep with my one hand dangling over the side when I felt a knock knock, knocking at my door. I looked down and noticed an email bobbing in a dark blue bottle. So trusting what little instinct I had I decided not to open it. I promptly fell asleep again. Must have been about an hour when I felt something touching my hand. I looked down and noticed another blue bottle bobbing near my hand. Lo and behold also with an email inside. Since bottles cannot touch hands I ignored it and fell asleep again. A week passed and I woke up to the sound of ringing. Odd I thought. On investigation I saw a red bottle floating near me with a cell phone inside. I picked up the bottle and smashed it open with my head. Since my head is a bit soft I passed out from a concussion. I woke up a bit later with a splitting headache and even though all was lost I saw I had a missed call. I decided to ring it. After a few minutes of ringing I recognised my grandmother on the other end. It was not a very good signal and it sounded like she was in a night club. I think I am the only living person who has a Gran who at 99 still parties like a 21 year old. To cut a short story long she told me that two movies were starting at the local cinema's in about 6 months time. One was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The other was The Exorcist - Directors Cut. I thanked my Gran and said I would try and get there in the next 6 months. So after sleeping on it for 2 nights, 3 hours and 67 seconds I bit a hole in my inflatable and decided to swim the 3500km's back home to South Africa.After all I needed the exercise.

So I managed to swim to shore 6 months and 1 week later with all my limbs intact. I felt a bit stiff and felt a cramp in one of my strands of hair. Other than that I was as dumb as ever. I popped in at home, had a shower, and jumped into my helicopter. I gave my Gran a call at said I would pick her up in 5 minutes outside the club. My Gran parties till 8am every morning. So I arrived there to be greeted by the sight of my Gran in her G-string with her raisin ass sticking out and a cigarette hanging in her mouth. She jumped into my Lear Jet and we flew into town. We arrived at the cinema in my Ferrari convertible to be greeted by no one. After jostling through the crowd and pretending to be Chow Yun Fat I finally arrived at the ticket booth. I asked for a coke but the kind lady said they only sell tickets. So I asked for 2 of those. Finally after shooting the smelly wind with my Gran we sit down in our seats.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Cool flick this directed by that dude Ang Lee. Star's Chow Yun Fat and some other people. The two female leads were groovy and strong and kicked butt. While not being a fan of playing with my wire fighting I thought these scenes were well choreographed. Strong story line about Chow who wants to give his green sword up but then it's stolen and so he tries to get it back. Talk about stolen identity. Any way's the two female leads also want it. One wants it because she steals it and the other wants it because Chow Yun Fat is cool to her and they like love each other but cannot tell each other and stuff. So anyways we have epic story telling of forbidden love and some beautifully shot scenery that was great to chew through.

The end has most of the loose ends resolved and I actually thought it was very sad. While I was crying my eyes out my Gran was laughing her ass off at me. But she thought the whole movie was great and she swears she has seeing ChowYun Fat in many other movies with like 2 pistols in his hands. I told her to stop wooing me with such stories, as they are mostly true.

The Exorcist

Saw this movie in the original theatrical version and so I was interested to see the new stuff added. Stars this mother who has a daughter who is like possessed by some rats in the cellar, or something. I told my Gran I don't think rats can possess you but it could be the devil. She then told me it couldn't be the devil because the devil wears a blue dress and rides out. I ignored her for the rest of the movie.

So anyways there is also this priest who is a bit guilty about seeing his old mother and stuff and then he is called by the mother who's daughter is possessed. After checking her out he decides to call an even older dude, Obi -wan, I mean priest who has seeing some dogs growling in the desert. So these 2 get together and kick devil butt.

MAJOR SPOILER -

5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 1/2...

Both priests die but the young lady is like okay and stuff. Anyway the film has a happy ending and we see 2 dudes going off to watch a movie at the end. Great flick which still manages to throw in a few shocks. One frightening moment has my grandmother snoring, as I look at her I notice her 2 fingers are stuck up her nose. She is dribbling out of her mouth. I pulled them out and she utters some terrifying words "If a wood chuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood"

So we leave the little African cinema to the sounds of silence. We drive off in my Semi Truck and I drop off my Gran at the nightclub. I decide to go on a mission to save the world, so I jettison myself off into space and hope that no one finds me. Because in space no one can hear you, and better yet... you can't hear them.

Father Geek back again. I hope the Doc returns real soon... the patients are starting to run the hospital...