Hey folks, Harry here... at 2000cst I received the following report whilst speaking via the Dick Tracy with Mysterio, who is standing one step back and two to the left of that chain-smoking rapier-witted sedate director... Kevin Smith. He's telling me, "Umm, Harry, MYSTERIO here... Look, you are probably going to be getting a bunch of reports today from the set of JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK... It's ok with me if ya run them because... there ain't noway these primates can hold a candle to my brilliant coverage that will be coming soon! Not tonight mind you, I still have 3 pre-dawn ingenius heists to pull before retiring the ol blender tonight! Hey, I spent 30 minutes with Joey Lauren Adams in her trailer tonight.... (EXTENDED SILENCE AS HE SMILES GIGANTICLY ON THE OTHER END OF THE WRIST HAM RADIO) .... to do an interview (RIMSHOT.... heh... he wishes, don't you love double entendres?) with her about working on the film. Meanwhile ol Jason Mewes is banging on the door... she ignored Jay for me Harry.... It's my dome I tell ya.... Chicks dig the dome!" At this point, I can tell.... he's lost in the fantasy of the moment... so I ask... "When can I expect the next thrilling installment?" "Soon Man, Soon... Seriously, it is coming. It'll be the 2nd week though, because this is the 3rd Week, and I started late with that 1st week... and I don't want to skip chapters man, but Harry... I'm telling ya... It is going to kick ass! So be patient. AT THIS POINT.... there is a "DA'LING!" sound signalling new mail.... Specifically this report by Nick Chapman....
Hey, Harry. I've been reading your site sinced I moved out to LA a little over three years ago. It's been fun watching it evolve. I don't know how much of a scoop this is, but I was driving past the El Rey theater on Wilshire Blvd. tonight and saw Kevin Smith with a crew outside shooting what looked like a movie premiere scene. The marquee read 'The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic'. Looks like Smith got to direct a superhero movie after all. Take care...
-Nick Chapman
I read it to Mysterio, who tells me.... "Well, first off the marquee doesn't read 'THE ADVENTURES OF BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC." So I ask, "What does it read?" To which the swarmy supervillain says, "Patience Mr Knowles... if you really wanted to know that, You'd be here instead of me! Muahahahahahahaaaaaaaa" Then he hangs up on me! No goodbye kiss or nothing....
Ok, so Father Geek and I head into the living room to watch KING KONG (1933) on TNT to search for a prop I just bought from the film... Right after the first scene it could have appeared in passes, I hear the phone ring.... I rush in to see Caller ID saying, "MYSTERIO INC" The bastard Incorporated himself? What's up with that? So I pick up the phone..... "What do you want?" Suddenly this swarmy evil voice, sounding like the love child of Ricardo Montalban and Peter Lorre, says, "Shut up Worm, I have someone that wants to talk to you. I hear who I think is Joey Lauren Adams' voice in the background, and for a split second my pathetically overcharged ego thinks.... Joey was talking to Mysterio to get my phone number.... when suddenly I hear the voice of SILENT BOB... "Can you hear me, I can't hear a thing, What did you say?" He asked me what I was up to, and I told him Father Geek and I were watching KING KONG looking for a prop I just bought to which he says, "So you must have a lot of time on your hands," and from the tone, I'm betting serious money his other hand was making that air-jackoff motion... He asks about my TV show... we talk for a bit, then he tells me to be sure and tell people with these reports coming in, that they haven't seen anything till Mysterio files his! That he was the man! Then he basically is carted away to go.... do something menial like DIRECT A MOVIE or something... Now wait a minute folks... I believe that not only is Mysterio on set.... but he's slipping hits of acid in the kool-aid and brainwashing these folks into worshipping him as some pagan God! Which he is... BUT till we get Mysterio's Super Spectacular Whupper Duper Mega-Galactaloid Report.... We have the following....
A Report from.... THE LOVE RHINO!!! Now... We all know that powdered Rhino-horn is the surest way to lay pipe for a month straight bang session with the missus.... but what an odd name.... I do know he got one thing wrong while doing the prerequisite annoint my ass with puckered lips part.... He claims to have read my site since 1992, and unless I'm having a MOMENTO moment... I'm pretty sure I started this baby in 1996. But ok.... sure, I've been doing this since before I had a computer... My brain was just mystically hooked into the proto-net! Mneumonic style! And folks.... there are some SPOILERS BELOW.... so if you don't want to know where a pair of the castings went.... DON'T READ THE FOLLOWING!!!!
Harry--
Long time reader, first time poster. So first let me get the obligatory introduction out of the way:
I've been reading the site since '92, and I'm thrilled to see how you've been able to make film geeks such a powerful force in Hollywood. The fact that Hollywood execs are now trembling in their Armani half-boots over the negative feedback from a bunch of computer wonks who normally spend most of their waking hours arguing about whether Kirk or Picard would be first to get into Janeway's pants... well, it makes me feel like maybe Hollywood has a chance for survival after all. Real fans finally having a substantive voice in this town? Harry, you are a God Among Men.
Whew. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, the real stuff.
Driving along Wilshire Ave. on my way home today, I saw a bunch of film trucks parked outside the El Rey theatre. Being an L.A dweller, this barely caught my attention. What did make me look twice was the fact that the crew were posting big, fake movie titles up on the marquee. The titles read "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie," so right there I knew we were talking about the man, the myth, the Bob: Kevin Smith.
What was remarkable about the marquee titles was the names of the "stars" for Bluntman and Chronic: none other than James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs.
Now I'm a regular over at News Askew and I have been reading Kevin's Psycomic columns (while they lasted), so I know that a lot of the die-hard Askewniverse fans are bitching about the fact that these two actors in particular have been announced as making appearances in J&SBSB. Part of the consternation has revolved around the fact that Kevin has not yet revealed exactly what parts the two will play in his film.
Well, I guess now we know. Dawson and Mr. Pief**ker will be playing Hollywood's brain-dead take on the infamous druggie duo "Bluntman and Chronic" in what is clearly a satirical movie-within-the-movie.
I, for one, think this is a hysterical idea, and I hope it shuts up some of the naysayers who aren't content to simply let The Man sit back and helm another brilliant Askewniverse flick. But then it's always easier to fling shit at the efforts of others than create something yourself. (This explains why the talkbacks are so popular with the "fifth grade spelling and third grade grammar" set.) So admittedly it's a foolish hope.
That's all for now. I can't say that I'll be lucky enough to send you any more scoops, but after years of reading the posts of others I'd be honored to finally be one of Harry's "little birds."
Keep the faith, Mr. Knowles. In the words of another Harry, "Talk hard."
Yours truly,
The Love Rhino
