It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... Sorry for quoting STAR TREK II at ya (heh heh I know what it's from)... Harry here, and that seems to be the mood on Rob Zombie's HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES. Though listen... what freaking reviewer are you going to listen to that would talk you out of seeing the damn thing. I mean, the title alone has me.... Great freaking title. Hell a picture of the director alone is scarier than most current horror films... VALENTINE anyone? Sigh... I know we'll have a Mike Myers CHERUB walking around killing people!!! Ew Ew Ew YEAH! Well, if HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES sucks, it'll suck in a grand hee haw way... it'll be a OHMYGOD bad... But ya know.... I think it is probably going to be way fun. Here's Lost Identity with one of the funniest reviews I've ever read!
Reviewer: Lost Identity
Age: 22
Interests: Music, art, musical performances, The Simpsons
Current Movie Liked: Crouching Tiger
Current Movie Disliked: Castaway
Harry and Crew:
Hey man, I'm a long time reader, first time writer. OK....I just saw a test screening for Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses, and all I gotta say is, the previous reviewers on your site saw a much diffrent movie than I did. Actually, than everyone in house did. Zombie is a true artist, and this movie is going to bring up the standard for horror films in a big way. First off, lemmie give you a little background into the movie and my personal expirences with it.
In November of 2000, I was out with a bunch of friends, one of whom decided to bring her boyfriend. The boyfriend decided to bring his best friend. The best friend's name was Chris....as in Chris Hardwick. So we're all sitting down having dinner, and he starts rapping about this film he's in, House of 1000 Corpses, and I just sit there and listen intently. He seems a little hesitant to talk about it in a serious tone, instead using his tradmark 'Chris Hardwick' sarcasm, which leads me to believe that he's not that happy about the picture. (Chris, if you read this or hear about this review, please don't take it personally.....and make sure you read down further to hear about the props you're about to be given.) He also doesn't say anything positive about the film....so now I'm a little jaded. I'm wondering if Zombie has totally messed up. On top of this, I'm very much into Rob Zombie, White Zombie, and his art and twisted view of Americana, and to see his Empire fail in any way would make me cry. So I come home, punch up www.aintitcool.com, and check out some reviews on the movie. There's two reviews, both slamming the movie big time. So now I'm super scared and thinking this movie is gonna suck.
Cut to tonight......
I pick up one of my best friends (my drummer), who's super stoked about the film, and we head out towards the Winnetka Pacific Theater in Chatsworth. I'm being very cautious, and I'm holding back on how hyped up I am to see this movie, in case it sucks and I look like a fool. My little sister has stood in line for 4 hours (the whole family loves Rob) and we show up minutes before they start letting people in. Of course, as with all private screenings, there are 500 seats, but 1000 passes have been handed out, and 800 people have shown up...so I apologize to the first two people in line that were denied entry because the 2 of us cut in line at the last second. The crowd is mostly an 'alternative' type; I'm seeing shaved heads, lotsa facial piercings, and heads of hair the colors of a rainbow. Then right at 7:00pm, the lights go dark, and a few people enter from the upper rear exit of the theater, and as soon as everyone sees the shaggy, dreadlocked shadow of Rob Zombie enter and take his seat in the last row 3rd seat over, the roars begin. The film starts, and I slouch down to get more comfortable with my cherry squishiee.
Cut to 15 minutes later.....
The crowd is roaring and cheering over one of the most awesome, intense intros I have ever seen. The dialouge that takes place is superb...it's as real as can be and executed perfectly! If I were personally in a situation that played out like the intro, everyone would have acted and talked exactly the same. Props to everyone in that scene, and super props to Spalding, who is one of the main characters in the movie. He brings a super heapin helpin of sarcastic realism to the flick. On the gore side, I can see why Universal gave this movie an NC-17 in the first 15 min. The movie then goes on to set the scene and intoduce some of the main characters, including Chris Hardwick's character. I didn't like Singled Out, and I was really not expecting to like him. But on the real, he is one of the 4-5 characters that makes this film smoke! Super props to Chris! After the scene is set and the kids go on their 'quest', the movies heats up and Rob Zombie's love of sexy, long legged, blonde haired women come into the picture. There are definate refrences to Sean Yesult, Rob's female bass player in White Zombie. The action then heats up again, with more crazyness and more gore. Another refrence shows up, this time in the character of Tiny, who is an obvious 'shout out' to the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, one of Rob's favorite movies. The character of Grandpa has dialouge second only to that of Spalding's...the crowd was rolling at his little 'stand up' monolouge, which shows the raunchy-houmor side of Rob. After the gore fest, which despite the previous reviews on this site, ARE gory and ARE original, the story dips down again and introduces another batch of characters, including the soon to be ridiculed Andy Griffith hick-police. The searching party goes out to look for the missing kids, and more of the story unfolds. The action kicks up again, with one of the most AWESOME, ASS-KICKING scenes I have ever seen in a horror film....hell, in any film! I'm trying so hard not to give out too much of the movie....but when you see it, just pay attention to the slow motion, cop killing scene at this point in the film. Zombie is a master of creating a mood with not only visuals, but music as well....put it this way....this scene rivals the scene in Trainspotting where McGreggor's character OD's, and slips in and out of conscienceness. Remember how the music fit that scene wonderfully in a weird, ironic way, but yet in a perfect way? Zombie does the same with this scene but steps it up a notch....and how he ends it with a super long, suspensful pause was breath stealing! When the scene came to an end, I yelled out 'Rob! Don't change that scene!!!' over thunderous yells and applause. Just needed to let 'The Man' know how damn good it was. The movie then dips down from the action again, telling more of the story, only to then go back into some twisted action-gore fest for the last 30 minutes of the movie. The costumes in this part are unreal...Zombie takes stabs at cops, Disney, and Americana in ultra subliminal ways. He uses it as his own little vehicle to voice his own personal opinions, and I'm sure he was sitting the last row, chuckling to himself at all of his little hidden 'East Eggs'. There is a lot going on in this movie, and I'm going to have to see it at least 2-3 more times to be able to take everything in. The last 15 min of the film go deep into Rob's dark, twisted brain, with imagery and straight out Rob Zombie artistic flair. The story is wrapped up, and characters eluded to in the film are revealed. Now, this is one of the most awesome parts in the movie. Zombie brings in some AWESOME Zombiesque sets, and several ultra-nice eye candy looking bad guys. Now, had these characters been in the entire movie, they would have become dull and tired, losing their impact, a la Jar Jar Binks. My inital impression was 'Damn is that a bad ass or what?!?!?!', and because they were in the film for all of 5 minutes, I was left with that impression. Very very slick to not be afraid of only having characters in the movie for a short while. Excelent twist at the end.....Watch for the 'Alice In Wonderland' refrence, another stab at good ol' Americana. As the lights came on and the theater literally EXPLODED, I looked behind me to maybe catch a glimpse of Rob and give me a big smile, but alas, he was allready gone.
Cut to 1 hour after the movie when I begin writing this letter......
So that's it. Awesome movie, I'm going to own this flick. This is going to be the kind of movie that the big directors in the next 15 years will claim to have been influenced by. First off, Rob Zombie is an artist, second a muscian/performer, and lastly a movie creator. He pours so much imagery into this film, it totally reaks of Zombiesque art and influences. Everything in this movie is there for a reason, none of it is B.S. When I later thought about it, the flow of the movie was exactly written out like a Zombie song. I don't know if he did this intentionally, but being a musician myself in a band in LA, I could totally 'feel' the dynamics of the flick as if it were a tune. It pretty much went like this; Intro, Verse, Chorus, Verse, Break Down, Verse, Long Extended Chorus, Outro. If he didn't do this on purpose, and instead went on instinct, this shows that he put very deep parts of his soul and creativity into this movie as if it were a song. Super duper props to Zombie. I did talk to a few heads after leaving the theater, and the only 2 people that I confronted that didn't like the movie were 2 overly dressed, permed hair, gum popping valley girls, and this movie wasn't made for them anyways. First, it's made for Zombie fans. Second, it's made for horror fans, and third it's made for the kind of fan that like 'Blair Witch' for it's uniqueness and creativity. This film rocks, and is easily my first favorite horror film over Alien and then over Texas Chainsaw. Zombie is gonna make a ton of money off this flick, and hopefully, a bunch more Zombie horror films will follow. Thanks Harry!
-Your Humble Reviewer
Lost Identity
P.S. Universal better havet his movie out by summer or they are the
biggest buncha tards in the movie industry!!! On the REAL!
Alright, so you are jazzed, you think it is the second coming of the horror film... You feel adrenaline pumping through you. You feel like doing jumping jacks and popping that amil nitrate... but then comes this review.... read and weep....
Oh fucking christ, I dont care if it was a free screening, this movie was so bad I almost demanded that they pay me for the two hours they stole from my life.
It starts out with four goofy teenagers that are driving cross country so they can write a book about tourist traps, so naturally when they find a road side attraction that is essentially a FUCKED UP version of the haunted mansion at disneyland they pay for a quick run through of it. while on the tour of said fucked up carnival they are told of a guy who was hung for trying to make a super army out of retards, the scientists name was, drumroll.....dr satan. yeah thats original. so obviously the kids go looking for the tree where dr satan was hung, and on the way get pick up a smoking hot blonde hillbilly girl (I mean hot, but for all the teasing they never get her naked) who takes them back to her place, where her family proceeds to kill and torture them... man I was pissed, I love horror films, and at this point in the filem I expected things to start rocking, because it is pretty general knowledge that the begining of most slasher flicks sucks, its just setting up the gore. Unfourtunatley the movie never picked up, the torture (the audiences or the characters, you choose) continues, and when the inevitable rescue team shows up they all die in about fifteen seconds. seriously. and just when it seems like its never going to end you finally meet old dr satan (and his retard army who might I add all look like quake 2 bosses) whom are easily outran/crushed by rocks. god awful.
I went in with the highest hopes, and came out wondering where two hours of my life went.
Manifest
Harry here again.... so what do we take from Manifest and Lost Identity's reviews? One splooged all over it, the other hurled. If Lost Identity is a Universal PR person in disguise, I have to give serious props for being the funniest alleged stereotyped headbanger writing a film review ever. And did Manifest walk in as a self absorbed pretentious horror film dweeb anxious to make his own mark on the world of film and jealous that Zombie made his mark and decided to shit and piss on it? Well.... God knows if she's alive, but I sure don't. Take what you will, but a movie titled HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES has my body in the theater... Hell, I watched and had fun with THE MANGLER... I can risk this!
