Since I saw D&D first, I'll start with that one. Now, there's not much I can say that isn't just repeating what Harry said in his review. I'll try not to be redundant. The film is glorious! It's over the top, the acting is hammy, the effects are funky, the score is cliched, but you know what? The movie is fun! FUN!

Jeremy Irons is fanastically over the top with his facial expressions, his dialogue delivery and his intensity throughout the film. You know the way he speaks those few lines in the trailer? "Now's your time-ah to-ah diieee" and "Let their bloooooood rrrraaaaaiinnn from the skkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" Well, I'd say 95% of his lines are delivered like that. Evil wizards (mages) are cool. Jeremy Irons is cool. Mix the two together and throw in a huge hunka cheese and you got the glorious Profion.

Justin Whalin does his best Indiana Jones as the young hero, Ridley. When I say he does his best Indy, I'm not kidding. The whole middle of the film pays homages to all three of the Indy films. There's a point in the film when he has to negotiate a booby trapped maze. All but one of the rooms is literally a different take on the boobytraps from the Indiana Jones films. There's the floor composed of different tiles... if you step on the wrong one, flame shoots out and cooks ya'. There's the deadly cutlery room... the spikes from the ceiling room... and it all culminates to him seeing the prize on a podium. He goes up to it Raiders style and does everything but test the weight of a bag a sand and rub his whiskers.

Not to mention the fact that he cracks his best young Harrison Ford smile and says "Trust me" about 5 different times during the film. This really isn't a bad thing, though. Maybe a little repetative, but it never got to a level of annoyance for me. Whalin stumbles quite a bit during some line deliveries, but he also nails some of them. It evens out in the end.

Marlon Wayans... Poor, annoying Marlon Wayans! He plays Snails (yes, you heard me right and no this isn't me getting D&D confused with Bamboozled), Justin Whalin's best friend and theif buddy. The comic sidekick, basically. But you know what? While annoying on the surface, he still has his moments. He's the "roll your eyes at his ludicrousness" character... well, at least the main one for this film. Even though the first third of the picture has him being as Jar Jar as one can get, it all pays off in the final scene of the movie. More than anything else, more than any other scene in the whole movie, that final scene... I still chuckle when I think about it. I think you guys will, too. The rocks! That's all I gotta say. The fucking rocks!!!

The only thing in the movie that made my shit-eating grin dissapear was when Thora Birch was alone onscreen, delivering dialogue. I love Thora. I really do. She is gorgeous in this film. Sure, the costume department ripped off Neverending Story's Child-like Empress' clothes and head jewelry, but it's ok. It fits. Her line delivery, though! Sweet Jesus! Thank God she only has a few scenes of just her by herself. She had only two different line deliveries. One: whiny. I swear to God, she sounded like Veruca Salt at times. Two: she spoke like Harry writes reviews. She... delivered her... lines... with... too many... goddamn... thoughtful... pauses... Hey, I've been known to fall into the elipses rut myself, but... whoops... did it again... fuck!!! Hold it... shit! Hold on a sec... Better? I think so... (doh!)

Anyway, I was talking to my beautiful and fair Spanish Lady and she brought up an interesting observation about Ms. Birch's performance. Thora's acting here, she said, is more along the lines of Monkey Trouble than American Beauty. Maybe she thought it was the unofficial sequel, Dragon Trouble? I don't know. I have to say she's right on, though.

Tom Baker has maybe 5 lines, but there's a noticable elevation of quality when he's onscreen doing his thing. Same goes for Riff-Raff... Um... I mean Richard O'Brien. His role is considerably larger. You can tell he just had a blast with this movie.

The effects: Harry explains it beautifully. The only thing I'd like to add is during the final fight scene between Whalin, Blue Lips and Profion, there's a massive dragon attack going on. The fight takes place in a tower and during the whole fight you can see dragons attacking the city, attacking each other and just raising all sorts of hell in the background. They don't focus on it! It might have been lack funds at work instead of pure creativity, but I love it anyway! You have some pretty well choreographed sword fighting going on and the whole time there are fucking dragons flying around kicking up all sorts of shit in the background. Too cool.

Now, this movie is fun, fun, fun 'til your daddy takes the t-bird away. Even so, I really couldn't recommend this film as a full price movie (unless full on, B-movies are your exact cup of tea), but damn if it isn't a perfect matinee flick. I know this movie is going to be despised by some. I can understand why, but there's just so much to enjoy about the movie. I really have no sympathy for the snobs that reject this highly entertaining film because of it's non-serious tone.

Would I have preferred a serious D&D movie? Sure I would've, but I knew that wasn't what I was going to get. I have to wait another year, just like the rest of you out there, for the full fledged serious fantasy film. Until that time, though, I will be kept company by a huge block of cheese.

VERTICAL LIMIT

Do you realize this movie had a budget of $100 mil? I hope for Columbia Picture's sake IMDB is mistaken. Remember the days when a $100 mil budget was unheard of. Nowadays, the studio's hopeful "sleeper hit of the winter" is a $100 million picture! And a bad one at that.

Again, Harry got his review in before mine, so check his out first. Like D&D our opinions mirror each others. I'll try not to repeat him.

For starters, the trailer shows you literally every big stunt in the film. So, no surprises there. The acting is passable at best. The scenery: what little they actually show us is grand, but the film is filled to the brim with medium close ups. The film's major crime, the one unforgivable in the whole mess, is that it's BORING!

How they can make a boring snowbound disaster film is beyond me. They add some nitro-glycerine into the mix. Aha! A little added tension, but everytime I watched a scene involving the nitro, I just kept thinking of Sorcerer and how much better Friedkin handled it.

Seriously, by the first quarter mark, the only way I could keep myself from checking my watch, counting the ceiling tiles or just staring at my fair spanish lady was by spotting the camera, light stands and crew members reflected in Bill Paxton's sunglasses during his close-ups.

That's another crime this movie commits. It had some good talent. Bill Paxton! Chet! Pvt. Hudson! Bill Paxton is pretty damn cool. He's wasted! Scott Glenn! A supreme bad-ass. Urban Cowboy's convict foil to John Travolta! Jodie Foster's boss in Silence of the Lambs!!! He was the coolest part about the movie, but he was still wasted! Chris O'Donnell. Well, he's Chris O'Donnell. Robin Tunney. Gorgeous, but in this film annoying as all hell.

Did this film have any redeeming qualities, you ask? Well, yes. A few little things, but none big enough to swing my opinion of the film to passible. There's a great shot of one of the character's broken finger. There's some tension early on with the nitro. There's Scott Glenn's foot with no toes. There's an explosion of blood and guts.

Nothing was cool enough to warrent a theatrical viewing of this movie. I'd say it might be worth a watch on cable some late night when all the other channels are running Cops and bible-thumper shows.

If you're lucky enough to be living in a city that's running Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon, go see that one above all else this weekend. The second choice for me would have to be Dungeons and Dragons. I haven't seen Family Man or Proof of Life yet, but from what I hear, both have their merits.

That's enough from this exhausted seaman. In the end, go see what peaks your interest the most. I cannot tell you how you'll feel about these films, only what I felt. Until next time, squirts, this is Quint signing off.

-Quint

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