Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Ah, the mystery that is Flmlvr. He's one of the most consistently punished Talkback and chat room contributors, but I can't actually recall why everyone picks on him. Or I couldn't until he brought up his CENTER STAGE review. Anyway... here's the Biggest Little Man in Hollywood with his look at New Line's slasher-film answer to CHARLIE'S ANGELS, the soon-to-be camp classic JASON X. Oh... and you have to read his shameless begging in the last paragraph. It's remarkable stuff. Dignity, thy name is not Flmlvr...
Flmlvr Reviews JASON X...(Or how a dwarf aka a "little person" tries to make himself sound important)
I know it's been a while since I've disgraced AICN with my presence. But ever since I was Verne Troyer's stunt double on "Shasta Mcnasty" it was impossible for me to leave my fort without pictures being taken and pens being shoved in my face for autographs. After many months my heat wore off and I was allowed to venture up ground again...
...where I stumbled upon a Jason X test screening. Joy upon Joy. I was psyched. Warwick Davis and I have been huge fans of the Friday films. Sure they're not great by any means, but they're entertaining. And after all isn't that what film is suppose to be? I went into Jason X expecting what I had gotten from 3-9. Bad, but enjoyable little films. Sure I had heard the "buzz" on how this one was better. New and Improved. Total Reinvention of the franchise. But I had also heard that Jason was in space. Come on. Were Leprechaun 4 and Critters 4 new and improved just because they were in space? That was my mind frame going in....
...going out it was, "Holy shit! That was funny...but oddly, damn good." You see the people involved in this film were smart in my opinion. They realized that there was no way in hell they could unleash a new Jason film to the 00's film going public and expect them to be scared by it. It's just wasn't going to happen. Especially when you toss your character in space. So what do they do? They ham it up to the extreme. They make it a giant orgy throwback to the eighties horror film. The good old slasher films that all tried to one up each other with cool kill scenes. (The cool head exploding basketball scene in "Deadly Friend". "Chopping Mall" Anyone.) This film does those proud. There are so many insanely kick ass death scenes in this film that never let up. What I'm trying to say, and not very well as I'm sure I'll hear, is that this film does not take it self seriously, and that was the best possible thing it could have done...
...On to the plot. It's there. But does it really matter? That's not why you're gonna see this film. You're gonna see this film for Kane Hodder laying it down as Jason. For the really cool VR stuff. But I'll give you the basic run down that you've heard in every single one of the Jason X reviews that have been posted thus far...
...It's been years and years and Jason is locked up in "Camp Crystal Lake Research Facility". The government has tried killing him time and time again. He's been gassed, shot, electrocuted, forced to wait for MORIARTY'S 90's list. Nothing's worked. So they've decided to freeze him until they can come up with a solution. Of course it doesn't quite work out the way they planned and chaos ensues. It's now many, many years later and frozen Jason has been found and taken on board of a space ship where he thaws out at the first sign of teens having sex. Let the enormous amount of killing began....
...I'll be honest with you. It's been about two weeks since I saw the film and I can't remember a single character name or even what they look like. (Except for that really hot blonde one). What I do remember though is how much fun I had at this screening. This film was done by fans who love the series and it really shows. The team behind this film took great pride in tossing in homage after homage to some of the 'Classic' moments in the series, and giving us fans a bad ass Jason. If you don't dig the previous Jason films, you're probably going to like this one less then "Jason Goes To Hell", but if you're a fan, this is the Jason film you most likely have been waiting for...
....There's only one thing that really concerns me about this film. It's going to be a bitch to market and sell. Is it going to be marketed as a horror film with 'thrills and chills", or as a comedy? Sure your core group of Hodder Heads is going to come out in droves, but what about the Teens who didn't grow up on Jason films? They're the ones you need in the theater. They're the ones you need to convince that Friday The 13th films rule. And ultimately they're the ones that New Line needs to make a profit off this film. I hope they figure it out because I love this film and I really want to see "Freddy Vs. Jason"...
...I'd like to end this review on a more serious note. See, this year I was suppose to take part in the Jerry Lewis Telethon...but for some reason they didn't deem a four foot midget with a liking for CENTER STAGE "special enough". What the fuck ever. Those of you who know me know that I am "special" enough. Even the ladies know that. I hear it from them everyday, "Ewww get away from me you retard". My point is this. For me this year, Butt Numb-A-Thon 2 is my telethon. But it's kinda of the reverse of the Jerry Lewis one. In order to get there I need pledges. I'm a broke ass dwarf. I know this is really sad and pathetic of me. But any help would be good karma. And for you good people lucky enough to attend this years festival, Have you ever scene a four foot midget drop kick someone? You will when me and Disturbed throw down....
The portal to the Land Of The Little People
P.S. Center Stage is now out on video. Go rent this underrated gem!
