Published at: Nov. 3, 2000, 1:15 a.m. CST by headgeek
I have had a terrible week… it is as if all the cool karma I had in the world went towards that PLAYBOY MANSION trip, then suddenly… harsh reality came crashing down upon my dearest possessions.
Halloween came and went wonderfully… time spent with Dorothy Parker and some friends… me dressed as Boris (as in, & Natasha), Tom Joad as a cheerleader, Annette Kellerman as DevilWoman and Dorothy Parker was… the front half of Slinky Dog. The night went great, and when I got home ALL SAINT’S DAY morning…
HELL STRUCK! I don’t know what caused it… perhaps it was that damn new Internet Explorer… Perhaps it was a virius disguised as a gangbang Snow White joke email that when I clicked… it did nothing. Whatever the cause… The WOPR… The MCP… The HAL of AICN died. For two days now, I’ve tried in vain to place the electrodes on its chest… scream clear and bring my baby back to life… Working on this MAC Laptop as a last resort… and becoming way way waaaaaaay too attached to it for my own good.
Then Father Geek’s eyeglasses blew off his face to be hit by a hundred bastard cars… the covers on my bed became untucked… oh… and this all culminated today with getting an email from SONY saying that on my trip to Square’s Headquarters in Hawaii… To see footage from FINAL FANTASY… I would be required to remain silent about everything except a trailer, which would be hitting the net the following week… anyways. So I had to call up and tell SONY that I don’t do that, and declined my trip to Hawaii, as I do not type on anybody else’s schedule.
So… to recap… My Computer died, a $300 pair of Father Geek glasses broke, my covers came untucked and I blew off a free trip to Hawaii to see really cool film footage.
I needed a movie tonight. I had a pass to see THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE.
Hey, like I said… I needed to see a movie. I don’t like golf, but in my weakened state of existence… I would take whatever entertainment I could get.
I arrive at the theater, and the theater fella says, "Which preview are you here to see?"
Hmmm, there seems to be more than one. "What are my choices?"
"Well, you can see THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE or CHARLIE’S ANGELS."
Hmmmm, Balls or TITS AND ASS? Hmmmm, Balls or TITS AND ASS? Hmmmmm, well… heheheh…
So I saw CHARLIE’S ANGELS tonight. I needed pure entertainment. Something that would make me smile and feel good. Something to get me in that geeky mood to write and exorcise these friggin demons that have plagued my life like Satan once did my friend Glen’s life.
All I knew going in was that Ed Solomon had something to do with the script and that everyone that I talked to, seemed to really have a good time, but always seemed to feel guilty for saying it.
Well, Ed Solomon was part of the reason why BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURES worked… and he was also behind MEN IN BLACK. These were films that put smiles on faces.
And this McG director dude. I met him once. I was wandering a lot in Culver City once with Robie and Moriarty, attempting minor B&E in the Judy Garland building to find the SPIDER-MAN costume. McG seemed like a really big kid… we talked briefly… he said he wanted to hook me up to see his movie…
I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN…
I had him written off as a flake with a really cheesy name. McG… is his first name, YoYo? UNTIL TONIGHT.
Oh dear God, I’m in love.
I’m so happy and full of glee at the moment. The skies above Austin are pouring down rain… but my mind is completely and utterly filled with the image of Cameron Diaz’s swirling ass.
Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass!
There are moments in film history of pure unadulterated joy of cinema. Where we see things on screen that reach into your chest and makes your heart grow two sizes too large. Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass is one such creation.
Remember that moment in SINGING IN THE RAIN… Where Gene Kelly suddenly and inexplicably bursts into song? Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass is very much the same type of thing.
When we first see it, she has it clothed in 100% cotton Spider-Man Underoos. Yes, that’s right, that Swirling Ass is sheathed in 100% Cotton… Nice freshly washed stain free Spideyroos… At first I was trying to see the exact art in the crack/crotch of her underoos… attempting vainly to see if it was John Romita Sr artwork or Steve Ditko or even Romita Jr. I instantly eliminated Ditko… the line work and shape of Spidey’s head was all wrong. And I think that Jr came after the advent of Underoos… So I’ll say that the Spidey in Diaz’s crotch was Romita Sr.
But that is beside the point… and the point is the magic of Diaz’s Swirling Ass. It always began with a vertical up down shift followed by a hip twist… as though she had to jump start that swirling ass like a Harley… but once it got started… up on that gigantic movie screen… I sat there in my seat… straw sticking out of the top of my drink… with a shit eating grin upon my face. My eyes making tight little circles… and my heart keeping pace. When the Underoos sequence was over… I felt… oh… oh no, that’s the end of it.
Later at the SOUL TRAIN date… Cameron Diaz’s swirling ass takes center stage… and she suddenly finds herself upon that stage… the look in her eye is pure joy… as though she was just told , "You get to live happily ever after," by God. And then her ass does the vrooooom, thing and begin spinning to the tune of, I believe, BABY’S GOT BACK, sung by that guy that used to wear that pickle on his nose… but now that image and bikini clad asses are gone… as my only thought is now on that Funky White Girl… and her Swirling Ass.
Another important aspect of that Swirling Ass of Cameron Diaz’s is it’s fine size and dimensional shapeliness. Neither too big nor too small. It has that beautiful evenness to it that made it the ultimate swirling hypnotist’s wheel.
But to sum up, Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass is one of the greatest images and objects in the whole of human existence. McG is a genius for releasing this force of nature upon the glory of 35mm… his genius for setting that magical mystical swirling ass to music adequate enough to emphasize the beat and pentameter of the swirl… Oh yes… And to you Cameron Diaz… I love your Swirling Ass in this flick…. And highly recommend that it swirl in every flick.
Ya know, I better talk about the rest of the film lest you good folks think I’m obsessed with Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass… the way the light catches the curves, the way it barely jiggles as though firmed by a million aerobic thrusts… Oh yes, there were other items of interest. Other less easy to grasp and pour over… issues and subject also worthy to delve into full on again and again and again and again… but none so fun as Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass.
Coming in second to that Swirling Ass is McFly! George McFly (aka Crispin Glover) is one of the coolest slickest and wickedest badasses to ever kick some in a flick. He’s like an evil Chow Yun Fat… an evil Jet Li, and more menacing than Jet was in LETHAL WEAPON 4. Oh no, I’m not kidding. McFly is a force to be reckoned with. Nothing I read anywhere prepared me for the utter coolness that McFly wields in this film.
I don’t believe he ever utters a word in the whole film, but that makes him all the scarier. He joins the ranks of Karloff’s Morgan, Hodder’s Jason, Castle’s Michael Myers or Sakata’s Oddjob as one of the great silent foils… except the difference here is the utter smoothness and sleekness that McFly brings to the character. Remember how we all went drool happy with Stamos’ Mystique? Well, subtract the T&A and add more coolness and that’s McFly’s character in this film. ABSOLUTELY GREAT!!!
Alright alright… enough of that… you want to know what the film is about.
Fine… whatever. The film is about entertaining you. It is shameless in it’s sheer energy levels that it goes through to get you smiling and tapping your foot.
CHARLIE’S ANGELS is one of the best Comic Book-styled films you’ve seen. The pacing, angles, speeding up and slowing down… yet, throughout the action scenes… the car chases and the fights… McG never loses sight of the main goal of these scenes.
TO KICK OUR ASS.
There is a car chase… and McG allows us to get a sense of the velocity at which these cars are moving… Point of view shots where the grain in the road begins to race by at the speed of ice cream entering my mouth… I’m talking ludicrous speeds here. Recently in that GET CARTER film of Stallone’s… you could care less in the action scenes because they had no rhythm… no huzzah… McG understand oomph… like when he has Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass moving around and around and around and around and around and around… Ooooh Diaaaaazzzz, goddess of the Swirling Ass… Please record an endless loop tape of your ass swirling with thumping pumping music and the subliminal message… "Don’t eat sweets and this ass will be yours fatboy!" repeating over and over and over… barely audible.
It could help millions. Think of the nations of the world… obesity is a problem, and Diaz has the cure. Her Swirling Ass can solve problems in this world that have impossible answers… until now.
Alright… now, in addition to McFly and Diaz’s Swirling Ass… there is Barrymore, who’s cleavage… the soft valley of joy… is another major contributor to this film. There is Lucy Liu, who’s entire person is a joy. I love her personal problem… how to tell the action movie star in her life that she’s a real life superheroine… and not a bikini waxer.
There is Bill Murray, who is perfect… so much so that Moriarty will be screaming like that Catholic School Girl at Robie’s hovel.
But wait, I just skirted right by Barrymore’s Shangri La of Breasts, her cherub cheeks… the sultry come hither in her eyes… Oh yes, Barrymore is a joy… the smeared lipstick and the only Angel proven to put out at the call of fried chicken and scrabble. Unlike her character in BAD GIRLS, Barrymore is having waaay too much fun here… so much so that I can’t stand to not just stand up and cheer. Her edict about the Angels not using guns was fantastic. EXACTLY what this film needed. With Guns it would have been some funky Woo-Wannabe funk, but without them… it creates its own stylistic universe of slow-mo jiggling action.
Lucy Liu’s Angel is the pure Sex Demon. Her Corseted waist and black latex domineering wet dream slap in the face of masculinity… doesn’t threaten the guys in the audience, but makes them want to teach her how to cook. Oh yes, hours in the kitchen with her… helping her understand recipes, oven temperatures, spicing and cooking patience. Oh yes, hours of smearing butter and pounding flour… The correct amount of yeast to get it to rise and yet not too much to cause it to have a premature explosion of gooey dough… always a moment to live down. Oh I’d love to teach her the correct way to make a blueberry muffin.
And once again, that brings me to my favorite angel, Cameron Diaz. Don’t get me wrong, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore would rip it off at the root, but… Hmm, how to explain this… Ok, Lucy has a pent up sexuality that she is completely in control of… Drew wears her libido as a bowtie, obviously aware of her own sensuality. Cameron Diaz seems utterly unaware about it. She has that BARBARELLA-innocence that screams for the world of hard-up guys like me and most likely you… to dream about taking advantage of. She has crazy crazy sex written all over her and that magical swirling ass of hers, but she doesn’t know it. Which means she wouldn’t use it as a rolling pin to rule you with… she wouldn’t have that headache… Cameron Diaz shares a sex appeal on film like that of Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Jane Fonda and Rainbeaux Smith. And it makes her one of the sexiest and hottest cinematic sirens we have in film. But none of them had the Magical Swirling Ass!!!
As you can see, this movie makes you feel goofy and funny… it’s kinda like that morning in 6th grade where you woke up and didn’t understand why things were like how they were. You merely accept and understand it as being a force of nature. CHARLIE’S ANGELS is that force of nature… that sticky embarrassment that you may feel weird about sharing with other people in the world… but it’s only natural… It makes you feel good… share it with those you care about.
The more folks learn about Cameron Diaz’s Swirling Ass, Drew Barrymore’s Soft Valley of Joy and Lucy Liu’s Corseted Heavenly Promise… the better we as a people are.
This movie will let loose a joy in you. Enjoy.
What's sad is when so many can't even get a clue about SATIRE... sheesh. Watch the movie, then read the review. Diaz's Magical Swirling Ass is a plot point, and it does seem to not only have powers... but a mind of its own. As for getting laid? Cast the first stone stud.