Well folks, Harry here and the word I've been hearing on RED PLANET is that it's pretty and pretty empty. I suppose we'll all see soon enough, but it has been a while since Kilmer scored with a really solid film... I wish him luck... for his roles as Doc Holiday and Jim Morrison... I'll be eternally grateful... Here's Light House...
Dear Harry,
Here is my review for Red Planet which as you probably heard was not good at all, hope you like it. More are on the way!
RED PLANET
I was telling some friends shortly before we attended a test screening for
the film Red Planet that it couldn't possibly be as bad as
Mission to Mars was. Mainly because the laws of probability
demanded that one film be better than the other...Well my friends not
only was I painfully wrong but it seems I am not all that good when it
comes to calculating mathematical probabilities for this film was equally
as bad if not worse than Mission to Mars. Which now that I think
about it actually had a lot more good points than the dreadful Red
Planet. A film so woefully filled with scientific impossibilities and
inaccuracies that I have to assume anyone who is even remotely
versed in what it would take for an actual successful round trip to
Mars would fly into a violent rage upon seeing this dreg hacked up
in this film for idiotic display. For even the common lay man can see that
the vast majority of scientific equipment used in the film to illustrate
what space travel supposedly would look like in the not too distant future
are both ridiculously absurd and functionally impractical if not
impossible ( yeah yeah I know it's a movie). Especially since the
entire premise of the film was based around the fact that the inhabitants
of Earth are in deadly need of a new planet since the Earth is fast
becoming a barren wasteland ( Yet again, way to go Earth!). So a crew of
only 5 people is spent to Mars with Earth's entire future resting in the
incapable hands, for that's exactly what they are incapable as both actors
and individuals ( Val Kilmer walks and acts his way aimlessly thoughout
the picture).
For right off the bat everything that could possibly go wrong with
their mission and this film goes wrong. As the space station they are
situated on above Mars is hit with an EM (Electro Magnetic) burst that
practically destroys the entire ship and forces 4 of the 5 crew members to
evacuate the station and crash land on the surface below (
Actually the crash landing of the Mars lander was pretty cool). Where
upon one of the crew members Dr. Bud Chantilly/Terence Stamp, desperately
trying not to sound like General ZOD from Superman but failing
miserably. Finds out that he has severe internal bleeding from a ruptured
spleen and is left behind to die horribly because the others would only
waste valuable air attempting to carry him to what they believe will be
their only salvation. A Mars ground
station set up years earlier by magic or magic robots sent via probes to
prepare for the eventual colonization of Mars that has a large supply of
food, water and I guess air. All of which is moot since the entire ground
station was destroyed in some sort of meteorite attack or something else
since it was never clear exactly what happened to it. Only that it is
gone and the remaining astronauts are seriously fucked, which normally
would have been cool to see if the entire film was handled a lot better
than it was. For none of the characters were all that interesting and even
the ones that could be interesting were killed off pretty quickly like
character. Just like Benjiman Brat's character Ted Santen who
was killed by one of his own men who blames him for putting everyone in
jeopardy by missing the landing mark by a few thousand KM. Whose
meaningless death only served to make me wonder how accurate NASA's psych
tests are for aren't they supposed to screen against people who might
have psychotic reaction under stress especially in such dire situations?
Anyway to make matters or the film worse one of the best things about the
film is also one of the worst things. A.M.E, a robotic scout who looks
like some sort of streamlined cat, capable of surveying the land at great
speeds and plotting the best possible courses for the astronauts to take
to find whatever it is that they are looking for. If only A.M.E. was on
survey mode and not military death-kill mode, as the crash landing
apparently flipped her switch from from being a nice, nice kind of kitty
into I am going to hunt you all down while you sleep and play with your
insides for fun kind of kitty. Which actually made no sense and soon
became pretty laughable, for why on earth would you ever bring a robot cat
that was capable of killing you on a mission to another planet if you did
not have a full proof method of controlling it of even a kill switch. For
now not only does our merry little band of dwindling astronaut buddies
have to contend with surviving the harsh landscape of the Red Planet, they
also have to fend off A.M.E. who is stalking all of them, picking them off
one by one by one at her own pace. Oh and she whistles while she does it
too for some strange reason.
So when you see the previews for this film telling you the crew are not
alone, do not assume they are talking about aliens as there were none in
the film whatsoever and that is what I am also somewhat upset about. For I
personally like films about Aliens and wish they would do more in the vain
of those classic 50 and 60's science fiction films that always had some
unseen alien intruder deep within the bowels of Mars waiting to attack
anyone who came within striking distance. As that is the ultimate
conclusion that Red Planet initially built the audience towards,
primarily because the Mars station was attacked by who knows what
and all the oxygen producing algae that Earth had been sending to Mars
suddenly disappeared without so much as a trace. Further leading everyone
to believe that Mars was home to some insidious race of creatures
hell bent on destroying the would be invaders whore dared encrouch upon
their native soil but that was not the case. As the closest thing to alien
life in this film were a bunch of Martian ticks who apparently fed on
Algae like substances and eventually human blood and
produced oxygen as a side effect and that's about it! As there was no
other life on Mars, no hidden enemies other the ones they brought with
them which I thought was a total crock! In fact I thought that this
entire movie was pretty much a crock since it was all hype with no
substance or more importantly no payback for the audience which ultimately
is just left feeling numb and used as a whole. Especially at the end of
the film when we are further tortured and needlessly frustrated by having
to listen to an inane voice over by one of the only surviving crew
members and ship slut, Commander Kate Bowman. Played pointlessly by that
hot chick Carrie-Anne Moss from the Matrix who doesn't even have a proper
nude shower scene in this film...But I digress for what I meant to say in
closing is that this film sucks!
As always if you have any questions and/or comments, please feel free to
send them to
lighthouseshines@hotmail.com and someone will get back to you just
as soon as possible-THANKS!
Sincerely,
Light House Shines
