LUCKY NUMBERS review

Stay away from this film... This movie is like dating a boring ugly person that won’t put out ever. Seriously. A date where maybe you smile twice, ya get stuck with the bill, they spill something on your lap and then at the end when they get out of the car you see their unclean crusty crack coming out of the back of their pants. All in all... a completely unlikable and unfortunate experience...

Now, I went in to this one expecting a film that might blow, but would probably turn out to be surprisingly adorable. You see... I like Nora Ephron movies... traditionally. Actually... a quick peek at her credits reveals that I like her less often than I like to think I do. She’s directed two movies that I adore, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE and YOU’VE GOT MAIL.... the rest were forgettable mush. As a writer, I’ve enjoyed the films adapted from her screenplays more often... SILKWOOD (what happened to this Ephron?), HEARTBURN, WHEN HARRY MET SALLY and then the two aboves.

What I generally like is when she does a good job, she creates believable (to me) folks that exist in a wholesome happy universe... that has its problems... and has its happy endings. She forms likable characters... good natured fun people that deserve to have good things happen to them.

And usually there are a couple of human moments in her films that really really get to me. A moment of realization that the person you are is not who you want to be... where the road suddenly becomes clear and the path well defined. When the character decides to carpe diem the damn thing and seize their happy ending by the scruff of the neck and take it home to the picket fence or the highrise or whatever manner of abode they may have.

Also... Personally, Nora Ephron kept my father out of jail once. When she shot MICHAEL locally here in Austin, her production team rented a selection of 1-sheet movie posters for her office, and that $1500 was the money that was used to hire a lawyer to keep my father from going to jail for late fees on Akira Kurosawa’s RAN... and not only did we get the posters back, but we got them back framed... and 2 of those frames still occupy wallspace at my house.

NOW.... Even though she is responsible for keeping my father out of jail, whether she knows it or not.... even though I love some of her films dearly... This movie joins MICHAEL as one of those rancid pieces of mass drek that you find yourself enduring and then griping about ruining your entire day.... all day long and into the week.

John Travolta turns in yet another dead artificial eyed from planet Pluto performances. Now, John Robie, a regular site spy, happened to buy this horrendous bit of acting atrophy as being perfect for a Weatherman.... Yeah... Riiiiiiight. When I’ve watched most weathermen, like Austin’s own Connor Vernon... I see someone that is genuinely proud of their station in life... That works with urban organizations, that has genuine concern with tough weather situations occur... and a love for inspiring younger members of the audience to take part via school weather centers. Travolta has placed onto that very sincere and real weatherman.... a layer of vacuousness that I found boring to an extreme level of pain.

First off, he starts off telling us how perfect his life is... and then instantly we see how miserable and fake his existence is. How he really doesn’t like being the weather man and would rather be a game show host.

Hmmm.... Yeah, riiiight. This is a guy that has purchased his own weather related business in town... bought a big mansion... the big car... and has put together his own mini-celebrity status in this burg... and he wants to be a Game Show Host.... I never bought it. I had this dim-witted character pegged as a settler.... the type that reaches a modicum of success and just puts the feet up and leans back basking in it for the duration of his life.

OK... so he’s having financial problems due to the freakishly warm weather... he’s banging the lotto girl... and his business is hurting.

Ok, I get it, he’s a bit George Bailey... except George really was a decent and wonderful guy... with a genuine longing to see the world.... We buy that... completely.

Here.... This guy is just a friggin loser. L-O-S-H-E-U-R!!!

Ok, now if he’s such a damn Boy Scout... how does he know the owner of the local strip joint? If he never goes in that place... how is he all buddy buddy with the sleazeball entrepreneur that runs it? If he’s such a damn pillar of the community... ya know... what gives?

OK... Now in IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, George knows Nick because he gave Nick his first break... so of course he knows Nick... and the local prostitute... he’s been trying for years to help her out of her situation... he’s a genuine good guy!

Who the hell is this creep? He comes across just as the first character we see honestly looking at him... as an ASSHOLE!

This guy doesn’t deserve any sort of happiness... he’s faux through and through.

Alright, so then we have all the other characters in this film... not one of which is honestly likable or that we have good thoughts for.

Lisa Kudrow? Other than being the sole bang-a-ble chick in the film... she’s just a slut and a whore (as Michael Moore calls her)

Tim Roth? Runs a lame strip club where they always keep their clothes on... yet allegedly somewhere there’s a woman shooting ping-pong balls from her... orifi... Why is Tim Roth in this film... he’s waaaaay better than this.

Al Bundy? He’s just laaaaaaaame.

Michael Moore? Well, if they had done ANYTHING with his character... maybe there would have been something there... but while he plays his character as an honest straight forward sleaze... he’s given a couple of minutes to exist before they cut him off.

Bill Pullman? Well, generally I loathe Bill Pullman... He has this air of lameness about him that I haven’t been able to shake since he played Lone Star...

Earlier today, I spent two hours in a medical exam where they squeezed blood from the end of my right middle finger for 45 minutes... drip... drop.... drip... drop... The pulsating bruised pain of my finger was the only thing that told me I was alive during the film.

Sporadically I’d hear the audience chuckle at something on screen. And I’d crack a smile. But the film is dog ass boring. Way too long. Terribly written and performed. The music is placed in to add excitement... but it’s placed over dullness that just drags the beat of the music itself.

I suggest squeezing the blood from the slit end of your middle finger before seeing this movie. Honestly.

You’ve been warned.