Hey folks, Harry here... Four score and Seven Years ago our reader Disturbed set out upon a great endeavor to wrestle and wrangle the scripts from the unknown readers of AICN and to read them... recycle them... thumb them and generally peruse them with his own eyes. Many called him a fool and an idiot... and that was before he set about this task... but now that he's come down from Mt Sinai with the sacred wonderful never before seen scripts... WE... and all you folks in Hollywood have had some free excavating. Disturbed has taken his pickaxe to the coal mine and popped out with four diamonds. You development execs in L.A.... give these folks a ring... drop them an email.... check em out for yourselves. Disturbed may be disturbed, but he knows good material when he reads it. This is his first column for us... his next one will come faster than four score and seven years though.... I hope....
Hey there, folks. Before you say anything, yes, I know. It's about damn time. I've been distracted a bit by various things, as well as having taken breaks from reading scripts to read some, no offense to the writers, quite better works from both a brilliant Russian called Vladimir, and a Scotsman named Irvine. I snapped out of it, though, and pressed on, wading through the tremendous pile of scripts that were cluttering my room and pissing off my mailman. Here I am to feature the best and brightest.
I've received many emails that were unclear about the general idea of this column, leading me to believe that I didn't make it clear to begin with, so I'll go over it now. It's basic networking stuff, really. Ain't It Cool News gets an obscene number of hits each day. I'm posting reviews of the best of the script's I've received, and lots of people will see them. I will NOT be posting negative reviews. Several people were concerned about that, but I won't be doing any such thing. I don't want to hurt anyone's career, only help. I hope this column will lead to something for someone. There are no guarantees, but there never are. That said, let's move on.
When I started this I had an idea of what I'd get. A lot of unreadably bad scripts...and even in the mediocre ones I'd see second act problems, 'cause that's what everyone seems to have trouble with. I was surprised, however.
The average quality was quite a bit better than I'd suspected, and the problems tended to be with the third act, not the second. Those of you not chosen, don't be discouraged. There were a whole lot of scripts that with just a rewrite could have been gold. A few scripts I have specific thoughts about...scripts that could have been great if it weren't for just one or two things, and I'll possibly be emailing those authors, telling them what held their script back in my opinion. If I don't write you, don't assume that your script was irretrievably bad, just that I didn't have a specific suggestion to make to you.
So without further ado, here we go, in no particular order. I'll try not to be as long winded with the reviews as I was with my intro.
***
MISFITS, by Ryan Ross
A studio reader would never even have read this script. Why? It was bound with a staple in the upper left corner. I read it anyway, though, and was glad that I did.
Daniel Bruchlacher is 33. He's a therapist of sorts, who works with support groups. His wife is an actress, and a bitch, and can't stand him. He feels alone.
Amie Durham is 16. She's having trouble in school, the typical bullshit. She's the popular chick, but her family life leaves much to be desired. She feels trapped, and alone. "Their idea of parental compassion is just...wacko..." Sorry.
Her principal is a friend of Daniel's and thinks he could help her out. It turns out they have a whole lot in common. As I first started reading this, a couple things made me think it was a little too like American Beauty, one being the older man and younger girl, and the other being the prominence of video tape in certain scenes. As you read on, however, you realize it's not so similar. It's not a love story, not in the romantic sense, but it's about two people coming together and finding someone in a remarkably similar place. They are able to give each other some of what they need as opposed to just the therapist helping the patient. It's an excellent, if not terribly cheerful story, with a bittersweet ending, which I think it could be an excellent film, and could be produced on a very limited budget.
Contact Information:
Ryan Ross
684 Yale Lane
Altoona, PA 16602
(814)-946-3784
***
HULA GODS, by Robert L. Baker and Steve Chough
I read this script immediately after I read MISFITS. I figured a script with a title like HULA GODS wouldn't exactly be heavy. I was right. It's a funny story about a guy named Ron who goes to med school, and is hell-bent on doing well in his internship, in order to get a Chief Resident spot, in order to have any shot at all at Harvard Cardiology. He meets a cat named Steve during his internship, who says he's going to help him out. Steve is constantly THIS close to being booted from his internship, as he doesn't really need to be there anyway.
There's also Jason. Jason is an ass. He's the kid in class who would cause as many problems as possible, and then blame other people for them. Actually, he does this, but he's not a little kid anymore. He's just a dick. He's also the front-runner for the Chief Residence. He's a villain of sorts. Not THE villain, however. THE villain is Ron's desire for happiness.
The title comes from Steve's theory about a man who went missing, recently. His "Have you seen me?" posters are all over the place. He has a wife, and kids, and one day just turns up...gone.
It's a thoroughly entertaining story, and had me laughing out loud more than a few times. It doesn't end the way you'd probably expect, either. Good stuff.
Contact Information:
Robert L. Baker
258 Village Green
Apt. 102
Ann Arbor, MI
(734)-913-9434
***
LONG STORY SHORT: A TALL TALE OF LOVE, PROCESS SERVING, AND TAXIDERMY, by S.M. Rogers
As soon as I saw the title, I had to read it. And luckily, it turns out that the title actually does make some sense. If I had to describe this script as a whole, I'd call it a little...off. It's not Being John Malkovich, full goose bozo, it's just a little odd.
The main character is a process server named Apollo Short. He's in his late 20's, and he's damn good at his job. He has a crush on a "goth" fast food employee (Mary Ann), lives with his mother (Googie) who runs a porn website, and his best friend (Cush) who stars in a lot of his mother's...content.
The dialogue is at times very funny, and the whole movie is backed up by The Who (a faux pas I know, in case the rights can't be acquired, but it does work, and wouldn't hurt the story really if the music was changed).
Here's a bit of the dialogue from just the first few pages (in which he's trying to serve a warrant) that amused me, and might give you an idea of the tone of the script (I apologize for the lack of formatting...my email can't handle it, though perhaps Harry can tend to it when he posts):
MR. CLEARY (THROUGH THE DOOR)
Oh God...you're a cop?
Apollo flips open his wallet and holds up his I.D. and badge to the eyehole.
APOLLO
No, sir. My name is Apollo Short. Licensed process server.
MR. CLEARY
Apollo? A-pol-lo? What kind of name is that?
Apollo replaces his wallet.
APOLLO
It's a family name, sir.
MR. CLEARY
Are you Greek?
APOLLO
No, sir. Belgian-Irish.
MR. CLEARY
Belgian? Is Apollo a big name in Belgium? Because I've never heard of any
Irish Apollo's.
APOLLO
It was my father's name, okay?
MR. CLEARY
So you're a junior.
APOLLO
Not really. Because, technically, it was my father's _middle_ name, but everyone called him by it, and when they named me it became my _first_ name, so strictly speaking, I can't be considered a junior...
*
All right, so it's not uproariously funny, (there are other lines that crack me up...like "Non. 'Shit' is natural and bodily. The other... H-E-Double fingertips" and "Now that is just way off. It was not a maniacal gorilla, just a mildly rabid gibbon.") but it's an example of the mood and tone of the script. The whole thing comes off as sort of...bemused.
Apollo gets assigned a Red Service, also known as an "impossible serve."
Needless to say, not the sort of assignment where you can talk to the serv-ee through his front door. They could just be a pain in the ass, or they could be dangerous. The story follows Apollo as he makes his attempts to do his job.
It's not a script that's going to change the world, but I quite liked it all the same.
Contact Information:
S.M. Rogers
(818)-718-2209
***
SPECIAL ED, by Bob Wallace
This was one of the very last scripts I read, and it's a kids story. Because of that you have to get past the basic absurdity of, say, teddy bears that are alive. Good kids films seem particularly hard to do. This could just be an illusion, however, as little kids will seemingly watch just about anything.
This is a children's movie that I think I'd want to watch. It opens in 1928, with a 7 year old boy named Jacob miraculously winning a carnival game. He picks a teddy bear from the possible prizes and takes it home. It's different from all the other bears. He takes it home and gets in bed, telling his Mom that he's terrified of monsters being in his room -- that a friend of his said he saw one. His parents laugh it off for the most part, as parents are wont to do, telling him that his new bear will surely protect him. Jacob's fears are soon realized, as a rather nasty beast tries to attack him. He is defended by the bear he has just won at the carnival. The bear entrusts the young boy with a crystal, telling him that in many years one of his brethren will come to retrieve it, and that he needs to keep it safe until then.
Fast forward to the present. Edward Brody is ten, and can't speak. Not in front of people, anyway. Only to family and friends. It's so bad that he's in special classes for it, and is the object of constant ridicule. His only real friend is a girl his age named Eden, who's also looked at as a bit odd. Edward is Jacob's grandson.
It seems that Jacob buried the crystal somewhere and tucked the map to it inside his copy of Treasure Island, which Edward was given after his grandfather's passing away. His family is going to his Grandma's house for Christmas, and Eden comes with them. That is where the treasure is.
The two children sneak out at night to find the treasure, and when they do are attacked by a beast like the one that went after young Jacob. They are defended by another bear, named Prince Baku, from a world called Ursidae that parallels our own. It seems that these animals, the Sleepless Beasts were stealing the soul energy of good hearted children in Ursidae. The race of bears discovered Portal Stones, which allow them to open doors to other worlds, such as earth. They drove the Sleepless Beasts out through such portals, but then found out that they had unleashed the beasts on the children of our world, and they now protect them. The Wren crystal helps determine where the portals open to more effectively, which is why it is in our world. The Portal Stones run out of energy eventually though, and must be taken back to a cave, along with the Wren crystal to be...recharged, so to speak.
Edward and Eden, against Baku's wishes, follow him to Ursidae, and have no way of getting back until the crystals are recharged. Sleepless Beasts steal one of the crystals in battle with Baku and also get back to Ursidae. So the children, Baku, and two other bears must get the crystal and stones to this cave before it's too late, dealing with various obstacles, including the Sleepless Beasts along the way. Dig? Good.
It's an adventure for kids, and would take some rather impressive special effects for the bears and Sleepless Beasts (which are made transparent by bright light) amongst other things. It reminded me a bit of The Neverending
Story, though not nearly as...depressing. Not nearly as low budget a proposition as the other scripts I chose this go 'round, but I think a good children's flick could do very well.
Incidentally, looks like this guy lives about half an hour from where I do, but I assure you I don't know him.
Contact Information:
Bob Wallace
5506 Wales St.
Charlotte, NC 28269
(704)-921-0169
***
That's all for the reviews this time, and now the whole process begins again. I expect to get a lot more submissions this time, the original announcement having been pushed from the front page rather quickly (hopefully this time
Harry will stick me in the "special" left-hand column, hint hint). With this in mind, I've decided that since the vast majority of scripts I was sent were delivered as hard copies, I'm eliminating the availability of email submission (unless there's a huge outcry against that, in which case I'll reconsider). It's not easy on the eyes, and many people didn't seem to have any trouble getting scripts to me via snailmail. If you really CAN'T send it hardcopy for some reason, drop me a line and see if we can work something out.
Also, it'd behoove you (is that the first time "behoove" has been used on AICN? Bonus.) to include a short treatment with your scripts. I won't make it a requirement, but it'll help me to know what I'm getting into when reading your stuff. What GENRE at the very least.
As a reminder, please include your contact information with your script.
The address for submissions is:
Disturbed Ravings
12633 Woodside Falls Rd.
Pineville, NC 28134
You can reach me by email if you have any questions or anything, at: Disturbed@aintitcoolmail.com
As always, if you haven't got a paper trail of any kind, it would probably be a good idea to register with the WGA (WGA WEBSITE) as a precaution. I am prepared for the gossip, rumor and especially conspiracy mongers in TalkBack. I hope User ID Indeed! writes me a song.
Oh, and if you're a tiny Arizonian who doesn't have any vowels in his screenname, and is Harry's whipping boy, you can bugger right off.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get to that Donnie Darko script that I've had to put off reading until now...
-Disturbed
