Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some rumblings from the Lab.

You all know Capone by now... our man in Chicago. He's a sneaky bastard, seeing everything early, always ready with something to say about each upcoming release. I like the guy. He's shady... and since I'm evil, I find shady to be enormously appealing. But for tonight... for this one night... I'm afraid Capone and I are mortal enemies. You see, Capone is a damn liar. He has to be. BRING IT ON has to be good. I met the film's director in San Diego at the ComiCon, and he said three words that have convinced me that I will see every show of this film on opening day. I mean, I've seen that poster, and I know that Eliza Dushku and Kirsten Dunst are both... moment of silence here... cheerleaders. As brilliant as all that is, it was those three little words that made all the difference, that convinced me. He looked me in the eye and he promised me...

"BIKINI... CAR... WASH."

The man is obviously a genius. Capone's a liar. I won't believe him! I CAN'T believe him!! Here are his filthy, filthy lies for you to enjoy.

Hey Harry, Capone in Chicago here. You know I've been worried because it seems like many of the reviews I've been sending you have been decidedly negative. In the last week alone, I blasted COYOTE UGLY and BRUISER, and was luke warm about HOLLOW MAN. Well, I'm afraid my negativity must continue as I tell you about BRING IT ON.

The thing I’ve always liked about Kirsten Dunst (who most of you might remember first seeing as the young Claudia in INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE or more recently on her multi-episode stint as a homeless girl on “E.R.”) is that her film roles have been against the grain for an actress her age. Instead of trying to find a film that co-stars Freddie Prinze Jr. and/or ends in a big prom scene, she’s taken on more daring and challenging parts in films that aren’t necessarily aimed at the velcro wallets and sparkly purses of teenagers. In the last couple of years, she kicked major butt in moves like SMALL SOLDIERS, WAG THE DOG, DICK, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, and most recently in the creepy and atmospheric THE VIRGIN SUICIDES. (I’m also dying to see her in this new CROW movie.) The films haven’t always been great but she has. And she's cutie pie to boot.

Keeping all of this in mind, it pained me not only to sit through her latest work but also watch her join the ranks of Mr. Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles and Jason Biggs and all the other interchangeable young actors in the cheerleading saga BRING IT ON (opening at the end of August).

I attended an afternoon critics screening (along with Mr. Ebert) yesterday and all of us sat there in stunning silence as the film unfolded. Kirsten Dunst plays the recently elected captain of a cheerleading squad who, on the eve of a mega-important cheering competition, finds out that all of their routines were ripped off by the previous captain from a far superior inner-city squad.

At first I thought maybe the film was trying to be campy, but it didn’t come across that way. And as just a plain-old comedy, every joke falls flat on its ass. Director Peyton Reed, who comes from T.V. work on shows like HBO’s “Mr. Show,” the short-lived “Weird Al Show,” and Comedy Central’s “Upright Citizens Brigade,” seems to have no sense of irony. And poor Kirsten Dunst is trying so hard, but nothing she does works.

Also on hand in this mess is Eliza Dushku, who plays Faith on “Buffy;” and Jesse Bradford, who was so great as the lead in Steven Soderbergh’s KING OF THE HILL, but here is reduced to a performance made up of this weird little smile-smirk thing with his mouth. I will say this (because I know so many of you care), the girls in this movie are really good looking and their uniforms show off tons of skin. There I said it. I recognized that totally sweet Tsianina Joelson, who used to co-host that morning work-out show on MTV. She made getting up in the morning a whole lot easier. But I digress.

Look, the movie is fluff to begin with, but even fluff can be fun sometimes. I got nothing from BRING IT ON, except a headache. And end credits lip-sync/outtakes reel to an annoying remake of “Hey Mickey” was the last straw for me. I couldn’t have cared less about whether this squad was able to prepare a new routine in time to win the Nationals or not. There are also a number of completely out-of-place anti-gay jokes that bring the film to a complete half several times. The school football players just assume that all of the guy cheerleaders are gay and yell "fag" at them whenever they cross pathes. Boy, that's funny.

I was praying that any of the cheerleaders would just take a nose dive onto some concrete sidewalk and split their skull. That would have given me school spirit! BRING IT ON is so bad, it caused me physical pain while watching it.

Still recovering,

Capone