Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some rumblings from the Lab.
I have seen the error of my ways, and I am here today to apologize for something. I recently hectored our readership over the course of my WHAT LIES BENEATH review, urging them not to spend their money on the film. This was wrong of me, and I took a fair amount of flack for it. It's not my place to tell you not to spend your money on a film. I'm here, like all of our reviewers are, to simply share an experience with you. Over time, if you agree or disagree with me or Harry or THEJuice or John Robie or Harry Lime or Segue Zagnut or Mysterio or ANY of our regular returning spies, you'll know it. And maybe, in the best of all worlds, we occasionally get someone to check out something good they might not have seen otherwise. If that's all we do, then it's pretty damn great.
Now... having said that... when we get reviews in and start to see patterns forming, we'd be remiss if we didn't point it out for you. That's the case with today's case study, the New Line psychothriller THE CELL. This film was originally reviewed way back in March by John Robie and Gregor Samsa, and they seemed none too fond of it then. Now we've got two more reports, and we're hearing more of the same. Take a look.
Headgeek, THEJuice has lost his touch, cause he certainly does not know how to choose 'em this summer...
I read a quote by Vince Vaughn (I think? don't stone me if it was someone else) that basically said, "This movie is going to piss off a lot of people". Luckily I do agree with him on that point; every person who pays $7.50 to see this unofficial sequel to "What Dreams May Come" is gonna be pissed off, that they were ripped off.
When the most symbolic scene in your film is a million dollar ass smoking a joint in the beginning (a probable cause to the hypnotic images to come), you may have a problem.
Why compare this to "What Dreams May Come"? There is no denying it is a beaut' to look at, yet when we get to the actual substance...? Well the things that get our hearts racing, the elements that push our lazy asses out the door and to the theater? Well they are nowhere in site.
What we have here ladies and gentlemen is failure to communicate; Or at least in Jennifer Lopez's case. As John Robie pointed out before me, Lopez insists on whispering every line she is given in the film. Maybe so we buy into her portrayal of a child psychiatrist. Regardless she's welcome to visit my mind anytime she wants. Vince Vaughn is actually a bright point in the film for me. He has the looks; as if he is so exhausted by this search for D'Onofrio, that once he has caught him, he can't bring himself to rest. Take that as you will but his performance worked for me. Vincent D'Onofrio does nothing but look freaky and grunt, needless to say he did a good job of it. He doesn't reach the perfection of his "Private Pile gone mad performance", but then again not much in film history does.
The plot seems a bit rehashed (combine "Se7en", "Kiss the Girls", etc.) with ridiculous technology thrown into play. It was obvious that Tarsem went into this film with a vision, not a script. The beginning of the movie preoccupies itself with the search for a serial killer who drowns his victims in a automated cell. This "prison" fills with amounts of water at sequenced times, until eventually it drowns its' occupant. Once apprehended by Vaughn the killer falls into a permanent coma caused by some sort of viral schizophrenia. It's up to Lopez and an experimental mind visiting science, geared towards waking comatose children, to enter the cranium of the killer and find the location of the his final victim, before it's too late. Got it? Not that it really matters. It's just an excuse for Tarsem's to bring his worst acid trip to life.
Yes instead of an intriguing affair, we get Tarsem trying too hard to be edgy. Trying to go a bit overboard, but taking it too far. Too far to the point where things get stupid. I'm not sure when I noticed this, but it may have been when the Huge bodybuilding man with DDDD breasts and no nipples tackled Jennifer Lopez. Ehhh, well maybe it was something else?
In the meantime this description may have you somewhat excited about the film (hey I don't know what kind of readers I have). But I promise you the off/on pacing will wear you down and bore you out. It's not good when the most exciting parts of the film are the run of the mill sequences that take place in the real world.
In the meantime what is good? Top of the line production. Great sets. Oscar worthy makeup, special effects, and costume design (ehhh much like "What Dreams May Come"). Is this enough to make up for the films shortcomings? Not even close. I came here to entertain my entire self, not just my eyes.
In closing before August I circled "Hollow Man" and "The Cell" to save my summer, boy did I blow it...and so did this summer...
As always your humble spy,
THEJuice
THEJuice was also kind enough to forward a friend's review, someone who attended the same screening.
hello harry, slick mcfavorite here...
...just got back from seeing that new lopez/vaughn/d'nofrio flick: The Cell. Just let me say, this is another great addition to our already chock full o' moderately made movies this summer.
Why you ask?
Why couldn't this movie be as sweet as the trailers? trust me, these questions are still running through my head. I mean jeez, I thought the silence of the lambs died off with the bone collecter, I thought wrong I guess, it seems that everyone trying to dethrone lambs is going all out to make their killer seem as human as they can, but still giving them extreme serial killer traits that try so hard to push the envelope, it just goes nowhere. Sure, a guy who puts girls into tanks and drives them crazy by filling the tank with water and then lifts himself over them so he can spray his love juice all over them is original, but something about it seems, so...lack of a better word...stupid...who knows, why not broaden the killers horizons a bit, why always women for pete's sake? you'd think that if these killers have the mind of a genious they would take them out for a nice dinner or something, but no, always has to be the watching till they drown, then jizz on them, sheesh. But I am getting ahead of myself here, lets break down the characters, shall we?
First we have Jennifer Lopez, a psychiatrist who is the only person willing to travel into peoples minds to try to bring them back into the wonderful world of sanity, or in this case, trying to find out where the killer has hidden his next victim. This character is particularly hard to feel for, all the usual questions seem to go unanswered, which is usually the reason for a movies downfall: How did she get into the world of psychiatry, could have made an interesting story or something.
Also, the killer was beaten by his father as a child, why not make Lopez's character have a troubled childhood as well? This way she could better identify with the killer, and maybe use this as a helpful tool to get information. And how do we know if she has a boyfriend or a husband or whatever, or even if she had recently broken up with someone or had a divorce? a slick move with the camera could have shown the toilet seat being down, or give us at least a conversation about past relashionships....something! Argh, so frustrating...
We follow Lopez throughout the whole movie watching her trying to outsmart the killer and find out where the girl is. At one point, Lopez lets go of reality and forgets that the killer's subconcious is real, and watches Vaughn get tortured. Question: If Lopez is so good at what she does, how the h did she get brainwashed? We don't even see the brainwashing go down, could have made for some great scenes as the killer turns the table on her, and opens his world up to her, but no, had to do it the hard way.
Next up, Vince Vaughn. Ahhh Vincy boy, I know, I know, you don't have a singing career to fall back on like some of us do. No worries, there will be another Swingers, just be patient. We know a little bit more about Vaughn's character than Lopez's: Once a lawyer, but quit after a bad case involving a murderer, Vaughn is now in the FBI, better: at least we know why and how he got into his career, but what pushes him to risk his life for all these women? could've been cool to make the latest victim his wife, or sister maybe. it would have been cool in a previous scene if we saw vaughn open a resturaunt door for the killer, moments before his wife was kidnapped, or something like that. It seems like the only thing vaughn is put in here for is to catch the killer, and find the victim, no less no more. sure this is a vital part of the story but there needs to be more.....
