El Cosmico here, our pal ShawnF has been oh, so kind, and sent in a review of the bar-room epic of the year, Coyote Ugly. I...um...haven't seen this one, so I can only give a limited opinion...a T & A flick...rated PG-13? Hard to comprehend. Now, I give you ShawnF's...more thorough opinion.
I had the misfortune of seeing this "film" Tuesday night in Boston. Thankfully, I have another viewing of "Space Cowboys" to look forward to Wednesday night.
COYOTE UGLY (TOUCHSTONE PICTURES. 95 MIN. APPROX.)-BOMB
Starring Piper Perabo, John Goodman, Maria Bello, Adam Garcia, Tyra Banks, Melanie Lynskey.
Screenplay by Gina Wendkos.
Directed by David McNally.
To say I was looking forward to anything but jiggle and wiggle from Coyote Ugly would be lying to you. The film was free, and what the hell, watching the likes of Piper Perabo and Tyra Banks shaking her thang on a movie screen sounded like a nice way to end a workday.
I was wrong.
Coyote Ugly is without a doubt the stupidest movie of the summer (Sorry, Battlefield Earth was released in the spring.). Proving that the spirit of producer Don Simpson has taken residence in Coyote's producer Jerry Bruckeimer's crotch, this is a misogynistic nightmare that actually has the nerve to take itself seriously, making its absurdity all the more apparent.
The story is as such: a naïve New Jersey girl named Violet (Piper Perabo) decides to move out on her own to New York City to make it as a songwriter. She has dreams, apparently she has talent (that is if you are tone deaf) and she has a problem with stage fright. Naturally, she falls flat on her cute little ass (sorry ladies, I call 'em like I see 'em) and is forced to find a job.
She finds one at a bar named Coyote Ugly, run by the tough (and overly tan) Lil (Maria Bello). Her bar is a rowdy place, one where the bartenders, all female and all looking like they walked out of Victoria's Secret (or the set of a porno), drive the men in the place wild by dancing on the bars, shaking their booty and being the biggest teases in the world. In short, they act like sluts and get the big bucks. Now, little miss innocent Violet doesn't work out here at first, but finds it in her to be a tough momma when she has to be. This impresses Lil and before you can say "Fill 'er up, buttercup!" Violet is now a Coyote, becoming the darling of the drunks (sort of a hundred proof Belle of the ball). Alas, her devotion to her night job is starting to put a damper on not only her music career, but also her budding romance with an Australian comic book geek named Kevin (Adam Garcia).
What will she do? Will she stick with the bar and make the big bucks? Will she become a successful musician? Will you care? Will you make the mistake I did and actually see this crap (remember, I saw it for free. You will have to shell out nine bucks.)?
As with the recent craptaculars Con-Air and Gone In Sixty Seconds, Jerry Bruckheimer has chosen a music video director as the director of his productions. This time out it is someone named David McNally. I haven't read that he has cut his teeth on music vids, but the way he shoots the bar scenes just scream "short attention span" and thus, one has to make this assumption. Gina Wendkos‚ (yes, a woman wrote this) screenplay is merely a hodgepodge of clichés that are mixed with such '80s bile like Flashdance and Cocktail. I'm not sure how much of Wendkos‚ original screenplay made it to the final print, but I find it somewhat astounding that a woman wrote a story that treats females like this. None of these characters are portrayed in a flattering light, and Violet's road to career success is less believable than most science fiction films are.
I could go on and on as to how bad the writing and directing are, but if you have seen any of the commercials for this film, you get the idea. As for Bruckheimer, I was always under the impression that he was the creative aspect of the Simpson/Bruckheimer producing team (when it worked. I haven't forgotten about Beverly Hills Cop II or the aforementioned Flashdance. ), But I am seriously beginning to suspect that whatever talent was in that team is now (hopefully) six feet under.
As for the acting, well, when you have no characters to speak of, every performance registers the same: non-existent. The actors and actresses don't portray people; they are given an adjective to base their performances on (example: Maria Bello was given the words "Cast Iron Bitch", Perabo was given "Innocent hick", etc.). Only John Goodman breathes life into his brief role as Violet's father. The fact that he can pull something out of this muck is a testament to his acting ability. He deserves a hell of a lot better than this.
Then again, we all do. People please, take my advice and do something, anything other than waste your time with Coyote Ugly. Do laundry, read a book, go outside and enjoy the summer or hang out with friends. You will be all the wiser (and nine dollars richer) for just saying "no". (PG-13)
-ShawnF.