Hey folks, Harry here... John Robie see bad movies. John Robie cry alot. John Robie warn you not see bad movies... Beware the bad movies... Robie funny man, absynthe addict... but funny all the same. Take care and enjoy his genius...
Welcome to the first Big Limp Scare Crapfest. This is the inaugural Big Limp Scare Crapfest and, if the fates deem it so, there might be another in the near future. Maybe the far future. Maybe never again. Enjoy it while you can. We’ve got two films for you. We realize that two films hardly make up a festival, but when the two films are this powerfully heinous, well, we think you’ll understand.
We like to think of the Big Limp Scare Crapfest in terms of cosmic events. Jupiter aligns with Saturn. Mercury and Pluto appear as one in the heavens. And What Lies Beneath opens on the same weekend as Bless The Child. Our fest director, Satan, would like you all to know he’s alive and well and he’s just moved to a bigger office down in Santa Monica.
Would you like to experience what it’s like to be stuck in What Lies Beneath? Here, but first a tip: every time you see an exclamation mark, convince yourself you’ve just heard the cliched crash of violins and a big ta-DA! from the bass.
I…………………………………….………………………………..went………… ………………………… ………………..….………………………………………………………………… …………………………. ………………....to………………..the………………….store……………becau se…………………………I………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………….... ....needed……………………MILK!!!……………...but………………there…… ………was………………no……………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………… ….milk………….at……………....the……………………..….STORE!!!………… ………………………… …and……………..…then………………………………………….I…………… …………………………... …………………...realized………….……………………………………………… …I……………………..………………………………………….………………… …………………………………………………... ..wasn’t……….………………………………………at…………………………… …………….the……….………………………………….….store……………… …………………………………………….………. …..I…….……..was……….……..at……………………………………the……… ………………………….…..………………………………. ………………………………………………………………………….... ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………….... …………………………………………………....DEAD COLLEGE GIRL!!!!!!!
It should’ve taken you twelve minutes to read that. What Lies Beneath moves like a giant glacier made of poo.
Never use ouija boards in a movie. Never never never, not unless you’re goofing on the idea that they’re such an insanely trite way to move a story forward. Never never never craft a character so obviously the bad guy because any celled organism above an amoebae is going to know right away, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he’s the evil one, and the amoebae is going to have a pretty good guess. Never never never never have your main character latch onto a lock of hair because it’s not regular hair, it’s magic hair and its got power. Not unless the character is Samson, and though Michelle Pfeiffer is quite a talent I can’t imagine she’s go the stretch to play him.
What Lies Beneath is awful, awful, awful awful. It’s a paycheck, it’s the swimming pool that the producer wanted to put in his backyard, it’s the director’s opportunity to take in the golf courses up in Vermont, it’s Harrison Ford at his most vapid, it’s Michele Pfeiffer struggling to find 1/100th of an ounce of humanity in a character that’s sketched in crayon. It’s lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy.
And it’s probably going to make $100 million dollars.
Which will leave poor little Bless the Child in the brown wake. That’s a shame, because those who happen to see the film will be exposed to one of the most amazing new talents in film. Evidently Dave Mustaine of Megadeth has been shrunken down to half his size and turned into a child actor. Here Mustaine portrays a 6 year old (a girl, no less!) that is actually the second coming of Christ. Or a prophet. Or just a real special child. No matter: the former metal don is brilliant. Mustaine uses his perfectly timed head-bang to incredible effect, truly making himself look like an autistic child as he bang, bang, bangs his head away on various doors, walls and buildings. Mustaine also must be commended on his restraint. Nary a snarl escapes his lips during the entire production. Instead he very convincingly uses hushed tones and forced stutters to tell us, the audience, that, truly, the power of the universe dwells within his tiny frame.
The only true shame of Bless the Child is that someone forgot to wake up lead Kim Basinger. She’s bar none the best zombie ever to appear in a non-zombie movie. The dark mask that co-star Jimmy Smits wears around his eyes in some scenes doesn’t make much sense. By movie’s end, though, it becomes apparent that he’s not wearing a mask; it’s the actual skin around his eyes that’s a few shades darker than the rest of his face. Now that’s an actor! Forgo the mask control the skin! Bravo, Falstaff! Smits actually escapes pretty unscathed from the film. If someone decides to write him a good part one of these days he could more than hold his own up there on the screen.
There’s a whole lot of hokum about a satanic cult that wants the child, there’s a whole lot of hokum about how Kim Basinger has to save the kid, Jimmy Smits does a very good impression of a raccoon and the effects look like moving play-doh. In the end the cult is destroyed, the world is saved and Smits and Basinger take Dave Mustaine to church.
It’s good to know that people are still making movies that mater.
John Robie out
