El Cosmico here, with a reader review of Dark Angel. Surprising, huh? What with the article title and all...
He wishes to be identified by uhhh...Peter. Which is his actual name. He doesn't seem too thrilled. Check it:
Hey people I happened to get my hands on a bootleg copy of James Cameron's Dark Angel. I really don't have much to say.
OK that's a lie. I have to warn everyone that this show was as interesting as cleaning your toe jam on a Monday night watching Ally McBeal. I cannot be totally negative on the program, because the star/heroine was amazing. Not talking about her acting, she must have stopped taking classes after the teacher told her to "be a tree". She is a gorgeous woman; I can't explain her beauty in words. I caught myself being enraptured by her good looks and having to stop the tape and rewind to see if I missed anything poignant, sadly I didn't.
The entire comic book-esque premise was about as convincing as Clinton not inhaling. The post semi- apocalyptic world is brought about by a terrorist electromagnetic pulse is detonated over the North Western USA. This causes a severe depression in the US circa 2020. But people are going over the boarder to Canada to find work and medicine. Yeah right! You said you have a bridge?
Max the Dark Angel, is a woman who escaped some eleven years earlier from a military installation, where she and a dozen or so children were a genetic (excuse the cliché) Super Soldier experiment. Anyway a few of them escape and Max seems to be the one actively trying to find them. She funds her endeavor by being a bike messenger by day and a cat burglar by night. She robs some anarchist reporter and gets caught up in his shenanigans, of which leaves him paralyzed. He promises to get her info on all the other kids that escaped.
Man my own review is putting me to sleep. Anyway what else was wrong- well the action sequences were amateur, and not worth her repeating the same elbow twice. The script was a bad attempt to be current but they forgot to hire Josh Whedon. Anyway, why would some one be using today's slang in 2020? The script was bad and the director couldn't help, especially by the use of cut rate acting.
What was right was the acting by the male hero, blah, He is one of those pretty motherfuckers but he was at least interesting when he appeared. Also the actor who played the private eye was pretty cool.
Anyway I'm going to watch some paint dry to get my mind off of this program. So until Paramount can put another garbage Trek show on TV, be cool Baby.
Well, what a pleasant fellow Peter seems to be, and so cheerful. May we all be inspired by this show to such giddy happiness.
Next up, Reggie Mantle sends a review of Heavy Metal 2000:
Did ANYONE see the "big premiere" of "Heavy Metal 2000"? If you missed it, it's understandable: it's world premiere was at midnight this past Friday on, ahem, the Stars! pay cable network. Man, did this thing suck. Fair-to-middling CG starship effects mixed with cel animation that could have used artistic help from the Hanna-Barbera staff. Being a huge fan of the original "Heavy Metal" movie, I decided to give this one a shot, and went into it with a totally open, unopinionated mind. I even gave it the benefit of the doubt concerning it's debut on Starz! instead of in theatres, thinking that maybe the film was just over the top in sex, violence, drugs, etc, and therefore would have had an NC-17 rating in theatres...at least that's what I hoped.
39 minutes after it started, I shrewdly turned my television off and went to bed, thus sparing myself from wasting anymore time viewing that piece of shit. Simon Bisley is a great artist, and his name is tacked onto the movie right alongside Kevin Eastman, but nothing in the near-hour that I gave this flick even resembled Bisley art...or even Eastman art, for that matter. What the fuck where these two thinking? How many drugs are these two taking? At least Peter Laird is doing something positive with the money he made off of the "Turtles" phenom, with his Xeric grants and all. But Sweet Jesus! If this is the type of shit that Kevin Eastman is satisfied with throwing his money away on, I've got a toilet that will do just as well.
I guess the lesson here is this: there is a REASON that movies have their WORLD PREMIERE on a PAY CABLE NETWORK. No offense intended to the Starz! network, nor their associates.
Well, what a spirited review! Just what we like. Many thanks, Reggie. Readers, feel free to similarly share your views on these items.
El Cosmico
mail me, eh? I'm at: elcosmico@austin.rr.com
