Moriarity here. Boy, somebody should prescribe something for your friend Mr. Hallenbeck. I saw him squatting in the middle of Melrose Avenue the other day screaming something about "The goddamn monkeyrapers fucked Cameron on the fucking screenplay award, I tells ya!!" This was just before the men with the big butterfly nets showed up and chased him off. Spooky.
I accept you challenge to post my Oscar predictions. The main reason I fell comfortable and confident in doing so is because, Evil Genius that I am, I've fixed the entire spectacle for what must be the third decade in a row. There's nothing I love more than the sound of shock when a Don Ameche or a Marisa Tomei is announced. No one voted for them, but there they are, picking up the statue. Heh heh heh heh.
This year, I've got a few suprises in store, but not many. I'm feeling mellow, and think I might actually hand a few of the darn things out based on merit this year.
Here, then, are the winners, posted in advance, courtesey of the only Academy member who matters... me.
There are a few categories where I just closed my eyes and picked names blindly. I hope no one is offended to learn my technique, but hey... just be happy if it was your name I picked.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT - "Still Kicking"
LIVE-ACTION SHORT - "Wolfgang"
Then there's the categories where I'm not heavily invested, but I have an opinion.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - 4 LITTLE GIRLS
This is the Academy's chance to make nice with Spike Lee. If they do, though, expect him to take advantage of his podium time with a scathing indictment of their racially biased nomination policies. I don't have the heart to tell Spike it's all a really sick joke on my part. I have a feeling he wouldn't laugh.
ANIMATED SHORT - "Geri's Game"
Like I'm going to screw Pixar here. I may be Evil, but I'm not stupid.
VISUAL EFFECTS - TITANIC
The Academy's going to reward the photorealism this year, especially based on how pretty but essentially stupid the other two films' effects were.
SOUND EFFECTS EDITING - TITANIC
The sweep will carry Cameron's big boat through several technical categories with little effort.
SOUND - TITANIC
If I were being fair about it, I'd have to give the statue to CONTACT. I mean, there was a sound effect that was practically a freakin' co-star in the film. Still, I'm probably going to just punk out and hand it to Gary Rydstrom and his team. It's not like they didn't do great work, after all.
MAKEUP - MEN IN BLACK
This one was hard. The temptation to continue the mindless sweep is strong, but Rick Baker's name leaps off the ballot. I'll hypnotize the Academy into remembering more makeup in MIB than there really was, and it'll carry the vote by a narrow margin.
COSTUME DESIGN - TITANIC
Easy win.
ART DIRECTION - TITANIC
Easier win.
ORIGINAL SONG - "My Heart Will Go On"
This is a really sad category this year.
ORIGINAL DRAMATIC SCORE - TITANIC
James Horner will cry like a little girl. I know because of the post-hypnotic suggestions I implanted him with after I decided to give it to him. He will get up there and simply lose it. You'll see this clip for days afterwards.
ORIGINAL MUSICAL/COMEDY SCORE - MEN IN BLACK
I have been so wrong to Elfman for so long that I have no choice. I will reward the Cracked Prince of Scores for basically writing the five jillionth variation on that BEETLEJUICE/PEE WEE type of bouncy comedy vibe. It still works, though, and it's about time.
FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM - FOUR DAYS IN SEPTEMBER
Just 'cause I say so.
FILM EDITING - TITANIC
Richard Marks should get it for having to make sense of the miles and miles of coverage that James L. Brooks shot on AS GOOD AS IT GETS. The movie's a marvel in terms of working, since the continuity from shot to shot is for hell. That's Brooks giving his actors room to play, though. It can make it hard to match everything. Still, Conrad Buff, James Cameron, and Richard Harris are three of the biggest names in town, and they'll pick this one up with no fuss.
And this brings us to the big-boy categories, where I've taken my time this year to ensure that people get their due. It's a fairly easy year to call from here on out, so I'll hustle through it.
SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION - LA CONFIDENTIAL
Helgeland and Hanson have done something wonderful -- written a script that reads as well as it shoots. It's a smart adaptation, a perfect representation of James Ellroy's work, and a confident piece of adaptation. This is how it should be done, with respect for the original work, but no fear of making tough choices. Well-deserved.
CINEMATOGRAPHY - KUNDUN
I'm going to throw a monkey wrench in TITANIC's victory march by giving the award to the most deserving nominee. Deakins did exemplary work here, creating a mood poem that is just hypnotic to witness. Besides, this guy does great work every time out. He's simply more deserving all the way around.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - TI... er, GOOD WILL HUNTING
In another year, it would be Damon and Affleck's Little Picture That Could that would be taking it all home, but this is going to have to be the one big award that the film takes. It's a good choice, and will be the evening's most unabashedly sentimental moment.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Gloria Stuart, TITANIC
Make that the second most unabashedly sentimental moment. When the luminous Miss Stuart makes the long walk, there's not going to be a single ass in a single seat in the house. She's the best comeback story of the year, and who doesn't love a good comeback?
SUPPORTING ACTOR - Robin Williams, GOOD WILL HUNTING
Burt's going to go home empty-handed because of the bad-faith he demonstrated early on with this one. Firing your agents because of the "shitty" role they just got you doesn't look too cool when you turn around and get an Oscar nomination for the same role. Burt spent so much time running this down pre-release that he's going to get burned at the last moment. Enjoy the evening out, Burt. Robin's going to finally go home with the gold for his most accomplished dramatic role to date.
BTW, Hallenbeck's real, real wrong about Forster. He was great.
DIRECTOR - Cameron, TITANIC
There's simply no one else in town who could have made this film. Cameron will be rewarded for pulling it off, and not just this once. He's made "the most expensive movie ever made" four times now, and all four times he's managed to turn a profit for his studio. That's amazing. Cameron's amazing. And it's his year.
ACTRESS - Helen Hunt, AS GOOD AS IT GETS
There's too much goodwill built up for her here in town for me to pull a slick one. It's got to be Hunt's year. If so, prepare for the ritual suicides over at NBC, where they'll have to say goodbye to yet another proven ratings hit.
ACTOR - Peter Fonda, ULEE'S GOLD
I didn't love this performance, and I didn't hate it. Hollywood loves a good family story, though, and this really puts the pressure on Bridget to get her career in fighting order. Expect Fonda to continue to channel his father during his acceptance speech.
and, finally, like there's any suspense at all...
BEST PICTURE - TITANIC
Well, duh.
That's it, Harry. I'd advise you to go ahead and make the biggest bets you can scrape together. This is the first time I've ever spilled the beans early. For you, though, I'm happy to do it.
See you the last Monday in March. I'll be the big bald gold one right by the stage. I'm twice the master of disguise Holmes ever was.
Until then, Moriarity out.
