Hallenbeck's Oscar Picks...
I've been told I have a knack for guessing the winners. Jimmy the Greek once said of me, "If that fuckin kid comes in here again.......Never mind. Just believe me when I say I have a knack of predicting the winners. Of course, I don't make my expert predictions until a week or two before the ceremony, but I've been asked by Master Knowles to make 'em now(fuckin slave driver). What follows is the first of 2 list(the other, with the "lesser" noms, will appear in a day or two). Now, sit back, grab a brew and let I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, place your bets for you....
Best Picture:
Like this is a hard one.
The Full Monty is a throw away(much like B&B in '91, 4 Weddings in '94, and Babe in '95). There ain't no way this puppy is walking home with the gold. Cute movie, but no best picture.
As Good As It Gets - Great flick, but not best picture quality. Besides, James wasn't even nominated for Director(see rant below in Director's section) and you know what that means.
Good Will Hunting - Very well written. Very well-acted. Damn good flick, but nothing new or fresh. We've seen this story a million times, but not a s good as it was told this time around. The Academy will honor it in another way.
LA Confidential - Brilliant film noir. You're looking at a guy who dares to state on the record that this flick was better than Chinatown. Sorry, but I though it was. This was an intelligent, gripping, twisty-turny thriller that had the most intense climax of the year. That's quite a feat for a movie like this(something that I thought lacked in Chinatown). Although, this does have that sappy ending with Crowe living. Que sera, sera.
Titanic - What can I say about my baby. I told you guys way back in August what an amazing movie this was. Not even I could have forseen what a juggernaut this puppy has become.
Best Director:
Peter Cattaneo(Full Monty) - this nom should have gone to Brooks and even Cattaneo knows this. If they were going to nominate a comedy director instead of Brooks they should've looked at Levinson instead. Fuckin Academy!(the first F.A. of many).
Gus Van Sant(Good Will Hunting) - This is not a director's flick, it's a writer's flick. It's good to see Gus working with normal material, but this is not the one that's going to give him the gold plated Patrick Stewart Doll.
Curtis Hanson(LA Confidential) - Don't be shocked if his name is called out on March 23. I'm putting my money on JC(cool initials and quite accurate if I may add) though.
Atom Egoyan(Sweet Hereafter) - I, for one, loved this flick. The funny thing is, I usually hate movies like this(and when I use the word hate I mean it in the most severe Loni-Hating-Burt Way). He managed to craft a predictable story into a highly unpredictable movie. A stroke of genius. Should've been nominated for editing, but, alas, it was not. Great to see him nominated(I told everyone he would instead of Steven), but he ain't gonna win.
James Cameron - DID YOU SEE THE FUCKIN MOVIE?!!!! 'Nuff said!
Best Actor:
DiCaprio + Honsou = FUCKIN' ACADEMY times two!!!
I'll be calm. I'll be calm.
Matt Damon(Good Will Hunting) - Wow! What can I say? -- the little pisher can act! I'm the guy who said in my Rainmaker review that if there ever was an actor who belonged in commercials it was Matt. Boy, was I wrong! Great, honest performance, but no win. He'll have many other chances.
Robert Duvall(The Apostle) - a piece of shit movie with the most brilliant performance of the year. This man is an acting God! Too bad he won't win.
Peter Fonda(Ulee's Gold) - the only Fonda without talent. I highly disagree with Harry on Fonda's performance. The guy was in a coma throughout the whole movie. I was waiting for him to wake up and start kicking ass, but he never did. A monotone performance by a tone deaf actor. Go back to easy riding, my friend and leave the acting to the rest of the Fonda clan. Unfortunately, the bastard will win the award(fuckin sentimental vote!).
Dustin Hoffman(Wag the Dog) - To quote his chararcter, "This is Nothing!" That;s what I can say about his performance. He was very funny and highly likable, but he doesn't deserve a acting nod. What a waste of a nomination.
Jack (As Good...)- no need for a last name here. He was just plain awesome in this flick. I would give him the award but the fuckin academy will hand it to the comatose Fonda instead. Fuckin Academy!
Best Actress:
Helena Bonham Carter(Wings of the Dove) - could someone please had her a bic razor and have her shave off that 'stache of hers before the ceremonies?! An early fav, but I don't think she'll pull it through.
Judi Dench(Mrs. Brown) - Q, baby...yeah! The brit with the best chance. The academy likes the accents...go figure?
Julie Christie(Afterglow) - she's still a cute little minx. Unfortunately, looks can only get you so far.
Helen Hunt(As Good...) - the only thing that can hurt her chances of winning is if the Academy holds the fact against her that she's a TV actress. However, this dame has been around a long time(I think her and Jodie shared the same studio teacher). I'm placing my dinero on this Senorita.
Kate Winslett - Her breast should give her the win automatically, but unfortunately the voters don't vote that way(well, some do). Like Matt, she's young and will have many chances(she's already been nominated twice).
Best Supporting Actor:
Where the hell is Rupert?...Fuckin Academy homophobs!!!
Robert Forster - if ever there was a nomination that made me wretch it was this. I think most of the members saw the name "Forster", confused it with Forrest Gump and accidently nominated this talentless waste of screen time. There was a reason why this guy hasn't had a gig for awhile -- HE CAN'T FUCKIN' ACT!!! My dick has given better performances(and that's while attempting to be aroused after seeing Rosie O'Donnell in a mini skirt!).
Anthony Hopkins(Amistad) - possibly the greatest actor to ever live. The man can butter a piece of toast and make it seem like the most facinating thing in the world. Screw the story of La Amistad, I wish Spielberg would've done a biopic on JQ Adams, then Sir Anthony would've been on the entire time!
Greg Kinnear(As Good...) - Talk Soup boy has become quite the actor. Kudos to his nom, but he won't win. He has many years ahead of him. Just don't keep picking movies like Dear God and Smile Like Yours and he'll do fine.
Burt Reynolds(Boogie Nights) - Boogie was decent at best, but Burt did shine. He was the King of Porn Directors. Great role for a cool actor(even though he's supposed to be the biggest asswipe around). The sentimental vote/comeback vote will kick in here.
Robin Williams(Good Will Hunting) - Great performance, but he said "It's not your fault" one too many times. He'll win one of these days(should've back in '91 for Fisher King, but there was no way Hannibal was going to walk out of that award show with an empty stomach). One word of advice: STOP MAKING MOVIES THAT YOUR KIDS CAN SEE!!!
Best Supporting Actress:
Kim Bassinger(LA Confidential) - I hope she doesn't win. Sure, she was great, but she wasn't that good. I, for one, prefer to see her masturbate to Art Pictures rather than see her try to act like a "real" actress. Harry was right when he said giving it to her would be like giving the reward to the whole acting clan of LA Con. Please, academy voters, don't do soemthing so stupid like that. She doesn't deserve it.
Joan Cusack(In and Out) - My personal pick and my prediction as the winner. What a scene-stealer this little honey was. I've always been a huge fan of her and her brother. I think it's about time to honor of the Cusack's, damn it! It's the "My Cousin Vinny Award" of the show. The movie basically sucked(what a piece of shit ending), but she was pure gold! Anyone who screams out, "FUCK BARBARA STREISAND!" deserves not only an Academy Award, but a Nobel Prize in something!
Minnie Driver - good performance, but her head is way too big for her body. I just had to get that off my rippling chest.
Julianne Moore - Great performance, but not Academy material. She'll have other chances, However....
Gloria Stuart - ...I doubt she will. Just to have her nominated is cool. If she wins(I sincerely doubt it), she'll get the longest standing "O" ever(mainly because it'll take her so long to get to the stage). Many eyes will be tearing too.
Adapted Screenplay:
Like you need any other nominations?
Donnie Brasco - One goddamn nom? Fuckin Academy! Pacino gave an incredible performance! Doye's score was tragic and haunting. Newell proved he can direct a serious, cliched gangster drama and still make it fresh and riveting. Fuckin senile old bastards! Can't you remember back a few more months, you freakin' schmucks?!!!
LA Confidential - This one is as easy as a White House Intern. The sure win of the night.
The Sweet Hereafter - brilliantly written movie that is hard to swallow at times(insert Lewinsky joke here...also insert Lewinsky joke after the word "Insert"). A haunting, tragic story if I've ever seen one. This one still gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Wag the Dog - Funny HBO Movie. Thats' all.
The Wings of the Dove - (insert snoring sound here).
Best Original Screenplay:
Okay, now I must address the most heinous injustice known to Cinema since Kane was snubbed in '41. I know a lot of you won't agree with me, but SFW. I can care less what you dumbass, know-nothing, pretencious sons of a bitches think! If you poet spouting, leaf eating, cock suckers word take that chip off your shoulder for one second and become a human being you may actually understand what I'm stating:
As you all know, Mr. Cameron and his screenplay for Titanic was not nominated for an academy award. In it's place was a screenplay written by a pedophile. A man who needs to fuck his own step-child to get soem kind of sexual satisfaction. This screenplay(like just about all his others) deals with his small dick and the people who act around it. This pathetic excuse of a movie was agonizing to sit through. I would have rather been in Poland in 1939(as a Jew) than inside that theater. The man is obssessed with his dick. True, I am as well, but I don't constantly talk about it on screen. The dialouge used in this movie has been used in all his other flicks...only this time, it had different actors spewing out the unfunny, completely unbelievable lines. People don't talk like this in real life. Maybe they do in his own sick, twisted, quasi-incestuous, teenage daughter fondling world of his, but not in the real world. Maybe Mr. Cameron should've had Leo talking about masturbation and anal sex. Maybe he should've had numerous, adulterous affairs going on all over the ship between unattractive Baby Boomers. Maybe he should've just had Billy Crystal play the devil and then...maybe then...JC would've gotten a nom for his brilliant screenplay.
Brilliant, you scoff? Yes, brilliant, fuck nuts! While the dialouge was a bit cliched and hackneyed I have to admit the story was spellbinding. I read this script nearly a year before the damn thing was released and was blown away. Cameron managed to craft a brilliant story. I knew how the damn thing was going to end, but the son of a bitch managed to distract moi with a well-told love story. Some people compare the love story to a cheap romance novel...so what? Casablanca is a cliched love story with corny dialogue, but it's considered a masterpiece(and rightfully so). These dick-fucks are just jealous that Cameron managed to write a predictable story with a well-known ending into an unpredictable movie. The script is the blueprint to the film. Without it, you've got dick! These assholes must realize that dialouge isn't everything in a movie. Some great films of yore were silent, but they managed to tell great stories. No goddamn dialogue was needed to show how the Tramp felt accepting that Flower from the little girl and no damn dialogue was needed to express the sheer terror of a sinking ship. These dumb ass, mother fuckin, dickless, mindless, shit-eating, bamboon-smelling, Zima-drinking, cocaine-snorting, impotent little sons of a bitches who's taste in movies rank right down there with my taste in woman, should learn a valuble lesson from this embarrassing oversite -- THE OLD SAYING IS TRUE -- A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS! No fuckin dialogue can hold a candle to a well told story! Hell, I wouldn't even give the movie the win, but I'd at least nominate it over some perverted, neurotic pedophile's piece of shit script! Halleluhjah...Holy Shit...where's the Tylenol?!!!
BTW, Good Will Hunting will capture the award.
