THE KID review

I’m getting ready to write about where THE KID, that new overly sappy unrepentedly sentimental pabulum coming to a theater near you soon.

This is a film, that possibly in the hands of a filmmaker with better instincts might very well have been... not a good film, but a great film. But in Jon Turteltaub’s hands... this is merely an OK flick, one of those middle of the road, with moments that flash upon transcendent splendor, but.... TURTELTAUB (or possibly an emotionally numb executive.... which... I’m more likely to blame usually, but it’s been in Turteltaub’s nature to not have a clue when his film is working and when it is not working) just blows it.

And the reason I POINT and lean my head back and make a possessed loud screeching noise at Turteltaub is.... this movie.... with another 6 weeks editing, might possibly have been great.

Have any of you seen a good Shirley Temple movie?

Yeah yeah, I know... a lot of you are film buffs that concentrate very hard on films since the sixties... modern cinema.

Well, for those of you that have sat down and watched the glory of a great Shirley Temple flick like she made in the period of 1934 to 1939.

These flicks understood the delicate balance. Why modern day ‘family filmmakers’ seem to never be familiar with these flicks is beyond me. The kid in the flick must be adorable, cute and needy. Over the course of the film, this child will be shown some wonderful things in amongst a tired hard world. There are moments where it seems the entire world is against the kid. Where there is great loss. A parent dying. The dog dying. Something horrible to make every kid and parent weepy and their cheeks moist. And then... right when it is at it’s darkest.... a beam of sunshine comes in. And the film isn’t about happily ever after, but... “Tomorrow is another day...”

HOWEVER! At the Walt Disney Corporation, it isn’t about “Tomorrow is another day...” In their films... it must be... HAPPILY EVER AFTER! Not only is it important to end on a happy note, but you must continue and continue and continue and continue.... until finally at the end of the film, you are so damn sick of all this damn joy, and happiness and joy that you realize.... holy bahungas, this sucks.

How does this apply? Well, this is very spoilerish, so if you want to leave... go with the knowledge that this is a film that if you see it with your one kid... it will put into his head that he might grow up to be a terrible person, but that it’s never too late to change... he’ll shift around in his seat, he’ll look over the back of the chair at the person sitting behind him or he’ll spill the popcorn or drink... But you’ll probably say to yourself... “ya know... this doesn’t suck as bad as I thought....” and there are enough goofy moments to occasionally distract the under age 8 child from throwing a temper tantrum.... However.... if you must take your kid to see a movie this weekend... go see CHICKEN RUN again... or... give ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE a chance... it’s full of puns... it’s 2-D as hell, but the children in the theater I saw it in, laughed and had a good time..... NOW FOR THE SPOILERS......

Now that we have people that don’t mind spoilers, I’ll talk about them a bit.

The film’s basic premise is that through some mysterious ‘Freaky Friday’-like magic, the little boy version of the image consultant played by Bruce Willis has come from the past to.... A) Either learn something from the older Bruce Willis.... B) Teach the older Bruce Willis to remember his youth.... or C)Both.

Well... this is the crime. You see folks... from the beginning of the film, and throughout the trailers and media you have seen on the film... I’m sure you have noticed the Red Bi-Plane.

The Red Bi-Plane is the (sewer) watermark of the film. It is not really a mystery... it’s just something that is supposed to seem mystical. But it doesn’t. And when the alleged pay off comes... it derails the entire film.

You see, there is a moment in the film.... where The Kid and Bruce (one in the same) realize the poignant moment of the film. In a Shirley Temple film, this is where you would.... kill the dog or a parent. And at this point... the film is working magnificently. The Kid is traumatized, Bruce is having to really emote and be there for the Kid, to help heal himself in a moment that defined him. They are having their first and only... just person to person moment... when suddenly... The film decides that it is supposed to suck badly.

Clearly out of left field enters the worst possible venomous form of pure sap. You see.... this is where the older Bruce Willis in really terrible makeup, shows up to show that he really does live happily ever after. The show the wife and the kids and the dog and the plane and the other plane and then it’s allegedly all this future Willis’ fault that all of this happens....

IF Turteltaub had realized how terrible this was, he could have saved about 10 minutes or so.... Cut all references to the bi-plane, cut that asinine scene with ‘older’ Bruce.... Have a scene where they simply watch a family get on a plane dog and all.... and have Bruce and the Kid look at each other like... “that’s what I want”

THEN CUT TO THE SCENE where Bruce gives Amy the puppy. She invites him in, the door is closed as we see Bruce smile... and the film ends.

We know the plan is for him to change, we know he’s bought the dog and wants to have a family.... BUT WE DON’T KNOW THE FUTURE FOR SURE. We know the intent.

I mean... IMAGINE if Charles Dickens had had at the end of Scrooge’s tale... if he’d had Christmas Future show him the future he could have if he were a good boy. And it would be the happiest place ever. And you would see that he lived to the age of 108 and was loved by everyone everywhere for all time.... And THEN Scrooge decided to be good because he was GUARANTEED ‘happily ever after’.

Hooey!

By Dickens that’d be the wrong way to do it gad dang it!

And Turteltaub and the team of ‘sweeteners’ just pile a mountain of sugar upon the end to such a point as to ruin everything they did right in this flick.

I know... I know... All I’ve talked about is my frustration at how badly they bungled a single thread and the ending.... but dang it, if that thread and the end wrap up hadn’t been so damn awful, this patient might have survived to be something special, instead of a cancerous movie.

See at some point... between Bruce Willis, Spencer Breslin, Emily Mortimer and Lily Tomlin... there’s a pretty good heart warming film, when Turteltaub isn’t fucking it up with inane moments and trite stupid plot deviations.

I mean.. there are genuine moments where this movie not only doesn’t suck... but it rules

And then... there is the film that this movie had every right to be... the movie that these actors deserved to have been in.

The movie where... the boy... the kid becomes distraught.... watching himself as a sad, lonely man with no friends... doing a job that he can’t imagine himself doing... Why work so hard? Why ‘become the smart one’ if you know you’ll grow up to be that which you do not wish to be?

I mean... think about it. You are 8 years old, or will be in two days. You get to spend 3 days with yourself when you are 40 years old, or will be in two days. And you find out that you are... a complete and utter bore. I mean... if suddenly there is no longer any point to life, if you know you become a societal drone just going through the motions of life... why not just move out into the woods... buy a dog... live a simple life. Concentrate on those things that bring you joy... I mean, you’ve already seen that you become something that you don’t want to be... why ever follow in those steps... that is a path you don’t want to follow.

BUT... as the adult character, you have someone that very much likes the person he is, doesn’t want any changes, but he has to convince this child that he will make changes, that he will become everything that the boy ever wanted.... just stay the path.

And when they split... there’s a bit of fear, he begins to live his life as the kid wants... scared that everything he’s worked so hard for... will simply disappear... keeping to his side of the bargain, hoping that his younger more volatile self will do the same. Having to trust himself, knowing that he had let himself down before.

Sigh.

Of course that’s not a family happy happy film. But dammit, if you watch this film... you can see those elements just screaming to be explored in full... but left... completely unexplored. All of the actors were there... delivering as they were asked... Bruce was once again wonderful. Emily Mortimer, I really liked... quite a bit more than I was expecting. There was a life to her that I was quite fond of. And that kid, well, like any good kid, he could be annoying, rambunctious and painfully real at times.... and of course... funny in that clutzy, trying to figure out how these limbs work sort of way...

Over all, a film not worthy of it’s pieces, and the pieces needing to be put together by someone better than Turteltaub, who quite honestly reminds me of the sentimental sap sucker director that can take a good script and fuck it up just like Paul Anderson does with science fiction scripts. Turteltaub is the Paul Anderson of tasteless colorless sap flicks! The only difference is... he doesn’t fuck up his scripts as much as Paul Anderson... just enough to piss me off.