Hey folks, Harry here. This will be the last review to come off of that mysterious video from within the depths of 20th Century Fox. By happenstance, and good luck for you and me, Matter Eater Lad knows Daryl Zero. I believe he told me it came about while studying some sort of strange absence of existence effect sort of deal. No matter... point being, they met. Now believe it or not... this Matter Eater Lad, well, he's a comic book geek. Well, I don't know that... I'm just supposing that someone that would call themselves Matter Eater Lad is either a comic book geek or sired by a goat. Now, Matter Eater Lad files reports here with AICN once in a blue moon. He started way back on Christmas 1997 when he scooping around on GODZILLA and ELMO IN GROUCHLAND. Then later.... almost a year later in fact, the Lad wrote in to report about The State Of Warner Animation. Sometimes he's been an uncredited hidden source, sometimes he's known by his alias. But... in all the years of having his cyber acquantance... this Lad has known what he's talking about and proved to be 100% accurate. Now though... this is a review... and a review of an incomplete movie on top of that, so fact isn't necessarily the issue... it's more about his opinion and his ability to state it. The following is a 3000+ word report on this roughcut of the X-MEN movie. He liked it. Says he'll see it again. He has 4 main problems, and when talking about these 4 problems... he deals with Spoilers... so most of you should stay away... most likely. But I'll tell you in non-spoiler form, what he thought. His number one complaint is that this isn't really an X-MEN movie, it's more or less a Wolverine movie.... Now I can understand the problem, but ya know... sometimes them comics of ours featured one character more than the others... To me... that's what's happening here, and he admits... if that's not a problem with you... then it won't be a problem here. 2nd... He felt that there was quite a bit missing between Xavier and Magneto. 3rd... The film supposes that you've read the comic. And if you have, and you've been a fan.... he says you will most likely not have any problems, but that your date or those that haven't read might be lost on several points. And lastly he felt that the film was way too short. Beyond that he liked all the performances, he loved the attention of comic history, the references to things that we would know, but normals wouldn't. And he says he will be seeing it again. That Bryan Singer must've worked real hard on this, and that he tried to deliver the best X-MEN movie he could... and that it shows. He says that we'll be about 70% positive, with about 30% problems... and that critics will most likely rip the film to shreds. Now... I turn you over to Matter Eater Lad...
Hi there, folks. Matter Eater Lad here speaking to you from Legion HQ.
For all you naysayers out there regarding the validity of Daryl Zero’s X-Men review, I’m here to give my own report. Mr. Zero was kind enough to show me the film (again, Daryl, I thank you for the courtesy) and now I’d like to present my views on the movie. Now, before everybody in the Talk Back pits starts to bitch about "YOU DIDN’T SAY THERE WERE SPOILERS! I WANNA BE WARNED THERE ARE SPOILERS!", I’m going to post this friendly little warning.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!! I REPEAT, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!
Why am I posting spoilers? Personally, I hate when people do, and I know how impossible it is not to look. But in this case, I’m doing it so when you guys go to the theater and see this stuff happening, you’ll know Daryl and I weren’t full of shit. So, BOOKMARK THIS PAGE, oh angry disbelieves, and you will see. Again, as Daryl stated, this isn’t a final cut. It is to my understanding it’s going to be cut even shorter…ugh…but more on that later.
OK. X-Men the movie.
The first thing I should say is the film isn’t AWFUL. It’s not unbearable or unwatchable like BATMAN AND ROBIN or that old SPIDERMAN show from the 70’s. It’s not CAPTAIN AMERICA and it’s certainly NOT SUPERMAN 4. (Daryl, I understood what you were trying to say by the comparison, but it was pretty harsh.)
However, I find it easier to talk about what IS wrong with it than to start off praising what’s right with it. What’s right with it will come along as I write.
PROBLEM ONE: Now, this is going to be the thing that all you fanboys are going to say "THIS IS A PROBLEM?!?" but it is in fact a problem.
It’s Wolverine’s movie.
Now, for those of you who are going to go into orgasmic thrusts every time Wolverine pops out his claws, then you shouldn’t even bother reading the rest of this section. You’re one of those people who scream like idiots every time Boba Fett’s elbow pops into frame. And that’s fine. I envy your simplicity, your ability to enjoy so much from so little. That’s not sarcasm by the way, I mean it.
This movie is all about Wolverine and what Wolverine can do and watching Wolverine fight.
So, why even bother making a movie called X-Men???
It’s the same problem I had with the first Batman film. It wasn’t about Batman, it was about the Joker. I want to see a movie called BATMAN be about Batman. And I want to see a movie called X-MEN focus on several of those X-Men.
Prof. X, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Rogue and especially Storm (ESPECIALLY Storm) mean nothing in this film. They have no purpose, other than for Wolverine to play off of. Seriously. Storm doesn’t even speak until forty minutes into the movie. Oh, they do things and say things, but there is NOTHING TO ATTACH THEM TO THE AUDIENCE. Any hints of personality on the parts of these characters ONLY comes in relation to Wolverine. That’s it!
Case in point. Jean shows Wolverine his new room at the mansion. (the love triangle is there, though it doesn’t amount to anything) Wolverine slyly asks "So, where’s your room?" Jean responds "Down the hall with Scott", to which Wolverine replies "You actually put up with that guy?"
Now, this is all well and good, but we’re given absolutely no reason WHY THE FUCK LOGAN SHOULD FEEL THIS WAY! Cyclops hasn’t even uttered a line of dialogue yet! And then you spend the rest of the movie thinking Cyclops is some major asshole only because Wolverine does, and since his is the only point of view we ever get in the movie, we’re never given a chance to think otherwise.
Now, we all know why Wolverine is the center of this movie. He’s the most popular X-Men character ever. That’s why he used to be on the cover of every Marvel comic back in the 80’s. You remember, you couldn’t pick up a copy of fucking Top Dog without Logan doing a guest-shot. He’s violent and dark and gritty, and we all know that violent and dark and gritty to fanboys is like shit to horseflies.
Face it. If Jar Jar Binks has gunned people down, you guys wouldn’t have said shit about his "Messa Bombad" dialogue. If The Matrix had been about settling things without shooting people with a million guns to "edgy" techno music, you guys would have pissed and moaned for twelve years. Chow Yun-Fat is awesome when he’s blowing people away, but put him in Anna and The King and you stay away in droves. It’s a fact. It’s a way for fanboys to deal with the fact they’re fanboys - the "I secretly cry when Gizmo says goodbye to Billy in Gremlins, so I’m going to seem "cool" by saying the Iron Giant should have gone on a killing rampage and murdered Hogarth and raped his mom and blah, blah, blah… and now would you please go to the prom with me?"
Don’t want to sound mean, but it’s painfully true.
And the people behind the movie know that, and that’s why the film focuses on him. Believe me, I love Wolverine too because of who he is, that he’s the best at what he does, that he’s the loner, the fighter, the asshole…
But that’s not who he is in the movie. The people behind it fucked up.
I mean he is that character, in simple character outline, but it’s really watered down. He’s too nice, but since Scott Summers is the "asshole for no reason", I guess Logan has to be. There’s no berserker rage, no "I think you’re full of shit, Chuck" to Xavier, in fact the worst he can think of to refer to the X-Men is "geeks".
It’s Wolverine’s movie. And that’s a problem to those of us who expect more.
PROBLEM TWO: Daryl expressed concern over the whole mutant machine plot. Initially, it bugged the shit out of me too before I saw the film. It seemed like a very un-Magneto master plot for someone that can throw the earth off its polar axis. And what the fuck would the X-Men care if people got turned into mutants? But the problem is, the mutant making process is unstable, as they learn by what happens to Senator Kelly, which I have to say might just be the coolest effect in the whole film. And by using Rogue to power said machine, it won’t only sweep over the UN delegates at Ellis Island but all of Manhattan as well, endangering millions of lives. So, the "urgency" level of the threat is indeed strong in terms of story, and the fact Magneto is unaware this will happen helps to not betray the dignity of his character. Ultimately, this mutant machine is such a throw-away plot device that is never really has the time to bug you.
No, the real problem with Magneto is the presentation of Xavier’s and his relationship. We were promised that the drama of the whole mutant struggle would be represented in this film and it is… sort of. In actually, Xavier and Magneto only have three scenes together,
The first scene tells us nothing, it’s completely useless. They don’t even look at each other from what I remember and you get no sense of what they mean to each other, other than they know each other. Nothing about their characters is established.
The second scene, where Xavier turns Sabertooth and Toad against Magneto and Magneto holds a fired bullet, literally, spinning in place just before going into a cop’s head, is FUCKING BRILLIANT! This scene says MOUNDS about these men and makes me wish more of the film went in this direction. But it’s all been tossed aside in favor of Matrix-style kung fu on wires action scenes. (Um, since when can Mystique or Cyclops flip around in the air in slow motion. The Matrix has ruined fight scenes in movies for at least the next five years. I dig The Matrix, but it really has. Believe me, I sit in creative development meetings here in Hollywood, I know)
The third scene is also a throw away. And the very fact Xavier is knocked out midway through the film and not part of the finale is just plain a waste of possible drama in a final confrontation. But since the X-Men don’t really do anything in the finale that makes you stand up and go "YEAH!", it ultimately doesn’t matter. It should have been X-Men versus Magneto. Period.
Now, my third problem is again going to be something a lot of you don’t see as a problem. But it is, and it’s probably already come up from your reactions to what I’ve written so far.
PROBLEM THREE: If any one of you has said at any point while reading this "Yeah, but we all know that Xavier and Magneto know each other from when they met in Israel as younger men" or "Yeah, but we all know that Scott is headstrong and that butts against Wolverine’s personality along with the Jean thing" then you’re getting to the root of the film’s biggest problem… at least for the general audience.
Someone was there when I saw this with Daryl who knows very little about the X-Men. At one point, Magneto forces Jean and Scott to face each other, then removes Scott’s visor. We all know that if Scott opens his eyes, adios Jean, right?
Wrong.
Granted, this is after Toad pulls off Cyclops’ visor in the train station and he blows a hole in the roof. But do they ever explain why this happens? No they do not.
Now, I know what you’re saying. "Hey, asshole, they don’t have to explain it, we all know Scott’s power can’t be controlled unless he has the ruby quartz lenses on!!!"
Well, yeah, I know that, you know that, the fanboys know that.
But I’ll bet you my girlfriend doesn’t know that, my Dad doesn’t know, your Dad doesn’t know, the person that manages your grocery store doesn’t know, Regis Philbin doesn’t know…
…and this person we were watching it with didn’t know. She was left saying "I don’t get it."
She also didn’t understand why Storm was talking with that "funny accent" as she put it since they never say she is from Africa, why Rogue freaks out so bad when she kisses the boy since they never really explain she absorbs people’s feelings and memories not just mutant powers, how the fuck this guy in a wheelchair had a mansion, tons of high tech equipment and a modified SR-71 Blackbird since they never explain he has money. In fact, they don’t even explain what a "mutant" is in terms of the Marvel Universe. Most people think of a mutant as a maligned animal of some sort that was deformed in the womb because of living too close to Three Mile Island. She asked "So all these kids were irradiated by nuclear power or something?" She’s not stupid, she’s a normal person.
Of course, they spend two minutes talking about adamantium because of course it relates to Wolverine. And this is Wolverine’s movie.
Now most of you are saying "But I know all that, and that’s all that matters" or probably more to the point "Fuck you, Matter Eater Lad. I’m a fan and I don’t care if this movie appeals to everyone! If I see it and like it, and it’s only because I can fill in the gaps because of my comic knowledge, then that’s fine by me! I don’t give a shit about other people! I’m finally getting my comic book movie, a comic book movie on the fans’ terms!!!"
Personally, I like when a movie based on something I’m already familiar with tells me the story again, fills me in on all the details. Sure, I knew that Superman was rocketed from Krypton because the red sun was going to destroy that planet and he was sent to earth by his parents and found by people named the Kents… and works for the Daily Planet… and is weakened by kryptonite because of it’s radiation… and grew up in Smallville and had a crush on a girl named Lana…
Sure, I already knew all that.
But, I’ll be as sure as fuck if the first SUPERMAN movie didn’t tell me and explain all about it again. Every last goddamn tiny detail of it. And the people who didn’t know already sure as shit learned about it, too.
To me, it’s like Peter Jackson saying "We don’t need to bother explaining where the ring came from, how it was tied in Sauron making the other rings for Elves, Dwarves and Men, we don’t need to explain how Bilbo found the ring from Gollum, etc. Shit, this movie is for the fans! They know it already! Let’s just cut right to the battle scenes!!!"
It’s bullshit to think that way. I hated "Interview With A Vampire" and every time I brought up a problem, people said "Well, see in the book…" or "If you read the book you’d know that…" And my reaction was "Fuck that! I’m not reading the book right now, I’m watching the movie. And there’s a lot of stuff I don’t get!"
In the long run, X-Men might just end up hurting comic book adaptations in the future and I’ll prove it to you by telling you a quick story which relates…
When I was in film school, there was a script that was written which was… let’s say… ambitious. It required a lot of production design, effects, make-up and the script itself wasn’t even finished yet and already too long for a student film. But, the students has been complaining that the school never allowed the students to make bigger films with "looks" and "style" and "edge". So, the school okayed it, and the production started. And those of us not involved sat back and shook our heads and said "What the fuck is this school thinking? This thing is going to be a disaster…" And it was. And to this day, a lot of us think they did it simply to be able to say "Well, we tried to give the students exactly what they asked for and it turned to shit and nobody liked it, so never question our authority again."
And this could be the ultimate result here. The studios can all say "Well, we did a comic book movie exactly the way the fans wanted it, but non-fans didn’t get it and we lost money, so that’s why we’re going to stick to our NRG test cards and make Green Lantern a gay Asian man who can shoot tentacles out of his eyes and Chris Tucker will play Sinestro though we’re going to call him Brainiac because that tested better and it’s Sinestro’s ring that has the weakness against yellow and we’re calling him Johnny Jordan because Hal doesn’t sit well with an audience we questioned in Idaho. And there’ll be plenty of Matrix-style kung fu on wires so we got that going for us!!! So never question our authority again"
A ridiculous exaggeration yes, but it is a possible side effect in all seriousness.
PROBLEM FOUR: THE FILM IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!! THE FILM IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!! THE FILM IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!! THE FILM IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!! THE FILM IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!!
90 minutes is BULLSHIT!!! And all you "I hate long movies" dummies can shut up right now and suck my cock. Almost every problem I’ve mentioned is probably due to the ridiculously short running time. The film has the Men In Black problem in that there is about twenty minutes missing from somewhere in the movie that could make this "enjoyable" film an "excellent" film. But, ultimately, we know the reasons for the cuts don’t we:
Fox, is it really that fucking important to get one more show in a day at the risk of ruining a possible franchise like you’ve already done to ALIEN? This isn’t a kids movie! It’s a scary adult drama/action movie. Don’t cut it to "Pokemon" length, damn you!
Bob Harras, Avi Arad and the rest of you colossal blunderfucks at Marvel, is Toy Biz so important to you now that you won’t stand up to put back in the character stuff in lieu of that ABSOLUTELY, GOD-AWFUL, STUPID SHIT AKIVA GOLDSMAN MOMENT WITH WOLVERINE RIDING ON CYCLOPS MOTORCYCLE HE’S STOLEN, which is fine as a laugh until HE FINDS THE BUTTON THAT TURNS IT INTO A SCENE FROM THAT 80’s SHOW "STREETHAWK" AS THE SINGLE FROM THE INEVITABLE "MUSIC INSPIRED BY THE MOVIE" SHIT SOUNDTRACK WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BLARE IN THE BACKGROUND SO YOU CAN SELL IT AS A FUCKING TOY?!?!?!?!?
God, you suits in both departments really know how to fuck up a good thing. But as my friend said the other day, studios don’t care about franchises anymore, because they don’t believe in anything they do anymore. All they care about is how many people are there first weekend. If people end up liking it, then it’s a pleasant surprise. Folks, that’s just stupid business, especially if you have something that works and sells on name alone already. Make a fucking effort. And I don’t care what you execs all think in your cocaine riddled, assistant abusing, "I’m eating at Eurochow tonight" brains is good business. That’s why someone else will be taking over your positions in a month.
And Bryan Singer, if you’re reading this, I can tell by what I saw that at least YOU tried. And this isn’t coming from a slobbering uber fan of yours. I don’t particularly think "Usual Suspects" or "Apt Pupil" are anything super special. But I could see you trying to do something with this film, to give it purpose and meaning beyond just being a "summer movie" and I’m sure the studio is demanding that you recut the movie to THEIR specifications. So folks, seriously from what I saw, we’re not dealing with a Schumacher here. Thanks, Bryan Singer. Thanks for trying.
Now, if you are a fan and none of what I said is going to bother you…
The good news about this film is that they didn’t fuck with it, no sir. There’s no "Joker shot Batman’s parents" or "Spiderman has spinnerets in his arm not web shooters (blech)". I mean it IS Wolverine, it IS Cyclops, it IS Magneto. And they are called Logan and Scott Summers and Ororo Munroe and so on. It is in Westchiester, New York. Wolverine was part of the Weapon X program but can’t remember it. Rogue does get her hair stripes. And the acting is fine, nobody’s laughable or awful. And there’s a lot of nice details; they mention Henry Gyrich, Stan Lee has a cameo (on the beach, watch for him), the fact there are ACTUALLY DOZENS OF STUDENTS AT THE SCHOOL delights me to no end since that never seemed to be the case in either the comics or the cartoon (including Iceman, Jubilee, Kitty Pride and some kid who scores a basket on the other kids by teleporting around. Good stuff. And no, there’s no way it’s Nightcrawler before you even start on that). The production design is not all that hot, because it can’t quite figure out "is this in the real world or the comic book world" and the costumes fit in there. Sabertooth is exactly the way Bane was in BATMAN AND ROBIN, so don’t expect a lot of give and take insulting between Logan and him during battle. There are a few really surprising twists that even I the jaded I’ve-seen-it-all wasn’t expecting. And Toad actually doesn’t suck.
In short, X-Men fans are probably going to be 70% happy with it, 30% problems. Other people and critics (yeesh, the critics are going to MAUL this fucking thing) 25% happy with it, 75% "The Fuck Is Going On Here?!?". It won’t flop, but just how exactly it will do past that I don’t know.
It’s not a horrible movie, just not the movie it could have/should have been, even on the level of "Fun Popcorn Movie". Go see it and judge for yourself.
Me, I’ll see it again. And I’ll enjoy it, because I can fill in the holes. And then I’ll prepare to do a shit load of explaining outside the theater to my friends when it’s over.
Thanks for your time, I hope I helped quell some fears or prove some theories.
Matter Eater Lad
Thanks, Harry. I know it’s kinda long, but there was a lot to say. I think you’ll like the movie a lot, it does have it’s moments if you’re a fan. Again, thanks.
