BOYS AND GIRLS review

You know how in life... everyday you face paths you must choose to take. Do I stay home and work? Do I check up on my sister? Do I call up some friends, the girlfriend... and do I go out and spend a night celebrating life? Or do I do my job... do I go to the movie theater and sit down and watch the latest Freddie Prinze Jr film?

Now ordinarily, I would most likely not even go close to a Freddie Prinze Jr film? But today... well I read yet another interview where he tried to make a case to be PETER PARKER.

Now, I’d seen Freddie in WING COMMANDER, and didn’t like him at all in that film. I felt that he had the eyes of a taxidermied rodent. Dull, lifeless and without a glimmer of reason or thought.

However, a lot of gals (note: not all) seem to really dig his romantic comedies so... Perhaps I am being too harsh... Perhaps I’m rushing to judge. I mean... he kind of looks like the John Romita Parker....

Then there was a second reason for seeing the film, tonight was the birthday of a friend of mine that reviews films for the local paper, and I told her that I’d see her here at the theater.

So I was committed.

Upon arriving at the theater, I saw an audience of all ages standing in a snaked line. Heavy on the Junior High to High School age girls. I’m a full decade away from the eldest of the group now.

I try to remember those films for me. The John Hughes flicks, everything that Matthew Broderick made, John Cusack was there... Emilio and Charlie. Everything from MANNEQUIN to ST ELMO’S FIRE to PRETTY IN PINK to LESS THAN ZERO to CRY-BABY to THE BREAKFAST CLUB and WEIRD SCIENCE and THE WOMAN IN RED and so on.

I remember those conversations, how poignant they seemed, how honest and real they were. I remember the ‘What the fuck’ speech from RISKY BUSINESS. And when I just saw it recently and I watched how... truly erotic the scenes were between Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay were... both at his house and upon the train. How cool and groovy the music was... and then I sat tonight in that theater and watched a film that was just completely at a different level.

BOYS AND GIRLS is that after school special that you turn the channel on quickly. Now... I understand... I am not the target audience. This was aimed at 13 year old girls. Just as TITAN AE was aimed at 13 year old boys.

You see... here’s the movie....

You create two characters. One slightly nerdy dweeb... one highly hormonal sexually free girl.... one awkward social misfit.... one confused sexually girl and then add numerous sexual partners and relationships and you have... BOYS AND GIRLS.

Claire Forlani is supposed to represent the entire species known as early sexual aware females. She is a modern girl that chooses the level of involvement with guys she wishes to attain. Now the filmmakers have her have numerous relationships with a variety of completely different guys... all ending in failure for one reason... They know that in the lives of their target demographic, that THAT little girl sitting out in the theater has had... possibly... one of the preceding failed relationship types. Therefore... this little girl out in the theater... well, she’ll get to project herself over the annoying, precocious, troublesome and whiny Claire Forlani... who will.... OF COURSE get to shag in a PG 13 manner, their heart throb and dream lay.... Freddie Prinze Jr.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR. You know that domesticated cud chewing stare that you get from a cow as you drive on a country road? That is the look of Freddie Prinze Jr. Now, I have no doubt that he’s an excitable guy. And in this film, he was specifically attempting to show SONY and whoever wanted to watch that he could do Peter Parker. He plays that pushed around mathematics science nerd that can’t get laid. Freddie Prinze Jr is a pox upon the screen. A dry-heave of a talent. He is not funny, charming or entertaining. He has no heart or soul as an actor. Beyond the pure exterior looks... he is... unfortunately one of those children born with no soul into the world. Wandering from moment to moment without emotions, without resonance, without texture of any form. This is the resurrected teen image of Frankie Avalon, but without even his marginal singing talent.

This isn’t BENNY AND JOON or even DON JUAN DEMARCO... this film is tedium. Complete and whole.

At exactly One Hour and Fifteen Minutes... Forlani and the Mongrel kiss. There was never any doubt. In addition... you really don’t care that they get together. Your only hope if you are male is that perhaps you’ll see this whiny wench partially naked (you don’t) and if you’re a gal, I suppose a peek at Fred-boy’s abs or buttocks (you don’t).

As for the supporting roles by the Blair Bitch or the Pie-Fucker. They are the only living creatures in this film. And after about ten minutes of them appearing on screen... you realize that it’s time for the gun.

The two critics sitting next to me left the theater. There was a steady migration throughout the film.

HOWEVER, as bad as I thought this was, the line of girls behind me that were saying things like:

“Look at that side of the apartment... hehehehehe”

“He (Freddie) looks so dorky”

“She (Forlani) is such a fucking slut”

and my favorite...

“They are so about to sleep with each other”

After the film, they waltzed off in their own little world, where tedium like this passes for an evening of entertainment.

I CAN NOT IMAGINE.

This film is an Endurance Test. I have a standard... do not walk out of a film... ethic. This film seriously... seriously tested that. The dialogue and the characters were so dull that I found myself noticing the areas on the Berkeley campus that had not been watered properly and thoughts about whether they were having a drought in San Francisco while they filmed this crossed my mind.

I wondered what brand of speakers were hanging on the side of the theater walls. After key and profound acts of stupidity and flaws pushing far past mere ineptitude to the realm of ... I don’t even know.

About halfway through the film, the critic next to me asked me who the director was. I looked at her... thought... then said, “I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet if you check IMDB, you’ll see a long line of television credits.”

She agreed. You see.... Every 6 minutes, there would be a break, and then we would be somewhere completely different. Leaping months and years from where we once were. Jumping from our main characters to characters that had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY AT HAND. Not only that, but we would get glimpses that would then... never be resolved... or that left meaning. Instead.. it felt like... hell. Long and unending.

In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Lydon. A juvenile player from the ol PRC school of filmmaking, that played in several subpar teenage ‘gosh geewhiz’ flicks and then played 3 guy on the right characters for the rest of his career. A footnote. And ultimately not all that important in the run of film... even to his own genre.

This isn’t a Mickey Rooney or a Jimmy Stewart or that type... And these movies he’s squirting out like greasy tamales 3 hours later.... well, they are videos destined for the 3 for $10 packages. And very soon.