GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS review

Boy I really didn’t like GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS. In fact watching that film is alot like how I imagine the folks that hated ARMAGEDDON and THE ROCK felt.... though I loved those two films.

I just felt every single movement of this film, as a matter of fact it’s alot like having your head encased in plaster.

How do I know this? Well, because right before I went to see GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS, I was in the KNB (make-up effects company responsible for work on movies like: EVIL DEAD II and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN) make-up trailer getting my head molded for John Carpenter’s upcoming GHOSTS OF MARS. Now, I’m going to write up a seperate report on that... and there will be a video series on the site about how to do a proper head casting. BUT... GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS would be just like this... had it gone bad.... like so...

The film begins, and you are kinda thinking... hmmm... this is nice. Pretty colors, but there’s a little bit of pain as they put the bald cap on and as your hair gets pulled a bit. This pain comes from the introduction of an actor that I feels defines the word terrible.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

I loathe this actor. I mean... every second that he appears on screen, in every movie that I see him in... I just want to reach up there... slap a pair of defribulator paddles on his chest and zap some fucking life into this corpse. Though in the early scenes in the film... it’s just minor pains as just a couple of hairs get pulled out, cause here.... he isn’t really trying to act yet. He’s just trying to give off a cool vibe, but woe is it not done.

At this point, it’s time for some friggin glue to be placed on your face to hold that bald cap on. Now, this just smells funny. And that smell is the COMPLETE INSANITY that an ex-car thief creepo is off somewhere in middle america (aka a short drive out of Los Angeles) where this criminal is now.... wait for it.... a GO-KART DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!!!

Oh dear God. That’s some powerful fucking glue, but not near enough to kill the brain cells to let me accept that crap. Ok... whatever... big shot smooth materialistic boy has gone off to be at one with the original dream of racing I suppose. The original thrill of youth. Yadda yadda yadda....

Then there’s the part where the guy putting the stuff on you is gonna tell you exactly what is going to happen for the next hour or two... and how to expect NO SURPRISES OR SHOCKS ANYWHERE. In the film, this takes place as we are told... Your brother is gonna die unless you steal 50 cars in 3 days. Then we have our hero taken to the even worse bad guy that again tells him.... your brother is gonna die unless you steal 50 cars in 3 days.

Then true to form, Cage goes to about a half dozen people to tell them, if you don’t help me steal 50 cars in 3 days then my brother is gonna die. OH... meanwhile, let’s introduce his brother.

This isn’t some sharp promising youth. It’s a waste of fucking skin. This isn’t a kid that decided to take a risk and joyride... he’s a legitimate long term fucking loser that needs... no, DEMANDS to go to jail for about 15 years... who will then get out and do the same fucking thing again... and be sent back. HE IS A LOSER! His friends are losers. In fact there are NO WINNERS in the entire film.

Everyone... everywhere KNOWS what’s going to happen. Hell, in most of Bruckheimer produced films you do.... BUT for me... what I love about the universe that Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer have created is that they usually... REALLY REALLY stack the odds against ‘our hero’.

Instead, this film never deviates ONCE from the early instructions given about 15 minutes in the movie. Sure... there are minor minor little things that are cool. But in all... this is just like having your head encased in Plaster. There is no real provoking plot or message being given to you. There really are no partners in the experience... no characters for whom you should give a shit. There are occasional bright flashes and load scraping and banging noises. There’s muffled dialogue that you strain to understand why someone would write that. BUT... as the film wraps up... you realize that someone forgot to put vaseline on your eyelashes and eyebrows and the plaster is ripping them out of your face as you scream... STOP IT!!! PLEASE DEAR GOD STOP IT!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!! LET ME GO!!! I WANNA GO HOME!!!! AAAACCCKKKKK!!!!!

At the very least... at the end of a MINDLESS ACTION CAR CHASE FILM.... you are supposed to want to drive illegally fast. You should want to be an irresponsible driver. You should WANT to feel the vibration of your car pushing the very limits of it’s factory installed standards. The high squeel of the engine... the top down... your hair blowing back whipping the back of your neck as sporadic bugs crash into your windshield faster than a speeding bullet. You should want to weave in and out of traffic, feeling like the fucking master of POLE POSITION and CRAZY TAXI.

But there are several key things missing in this film. First off, Angelina Jolie is treated as a post-orgasmic fuck doll in the film. HOWEVER, at no point do we get to get titilated an ounce by her. Of course for some, her mere lips are enough to send one into a whacking frenzy. But anyone expecting any time at all with her.... will be sorely disappointed.

The extra characters in this film... his cohorts in stealing the cars... well they make the scam possible. They make it so YOU NEVER HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT IT CAN BE DONE.

It’s like the end of THE ROCKETEER. Now I love THE ROCKETEER, but my one peeze is that at the end of the film.... It’s not the Rocketeer vs the mob and the nazis alone. He isn’t having to use this super rocket pack and amazing maneuverability to beat the bad guys singlehandedly as a SUPERHERO should. No... instead he has the entire federal government backing him up. Not only that... but half of the bad guys decide to go ahead and help him fight too.

In GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS, Nick Cage’s character has nearly a dozen folks helping him steal 50 cars in a single night. That means that in 12 hours.... 12 people have to steal just under 5 cars each from UNSUSPECTING FOLKS. So that all but the final car theft is like a walk in the park. With no danger, no thrills... no sweaty palms or accelerated pulses. AND... throughout the film, the fact that he’s going to have trouble with the final car is telegraphed beginning about an hour and 10 minutes before he EVER GETS IN THE CAR! And every character in the film knows that that specific car will be trouble, that he’ll save it for last, that it’s the only car of it’s unremarkable type in town and that there will be... ONE... count them ONE SINGLE CAR CHASE IN THE ENTIRE FILM OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE, and it is so nonsensical... so incredibly stupid and fruitless and bland and badly shot... that you are feeling the very fine hairs from your face be pulled out by their roots.

MAKE this thief... this guy who got away... make him do this all on his own. Have his brother and his mother being physically tortured by this cruel bastard. Tormenting him throughout.

Have Cage feel the clock. Feel every second... every minute of each of the days. Have so much going on... have the task be so impossible that EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW HE’S GONNA DO IT, WE STILL CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S GONNA DO IT!

Jerry... did you happen to ever see the film RUN LOLA RUN? Please... if you haven’t, watch it. This is an exact blueprint for how to stack the odds. The pacing... the visceral feeling that there are not enough seconds to go from A to B.

Also... Check out an old Rudolph Maté film from 1950 called D.O.A. starring Edmond O’Brien. Again... it’s an exact portrait of this type of film. Or HIGH “Fucking” NOON!!!

However, let’s say you are only trying to make this be visceral entertainment and fun.... Check out SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. Or Robert Mitchum’s THUNDER ROAD. But please... please don’t make another film like this. This was tedium interupted with laughs at the pathetic attempt at thrills this movie tortured us with.

This is not even a matinee movie. I can not recommend that anyone pay to see this movie at anytime in their life. This was abysmal.

However, I understand.... You good folks reading this are sitting there wondering... “Well fuck... that’s the only movie opening this weekend. There’s nothing else to see, I have to go see it!”

NO! You don’t. You have a viable alternative. Go rent RUN LOLA RUN or HIGH NOON or D.O.A. or SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT or THUNDER ROAD. Turn the volume up at the house. Get some friends over... Throw a party. Use the money you would’ve spent on popcorn and sodas and buy a rack of ribs and some beer. Use your box office money for one of these films or two.

Just don’t reward this film that feels like most of it was made up the day it was shot by excellent actors being directed by someone without a clue. Reward yourself with a good movie. It’s at a rental store near you!

Do not believe anyone that tells you that Robert Duvall is in this movie. I think it was Tom Cruise wearing an IMF special impersonation mask. Also... VINNIE JONES is in this film for about 4 minutes of total screen time, and he does rule. BUT HE NEEDS HIS OWN INDEPENDENT STARRING ROLE AS A BADASS UNSTOPPABLE LIMEY!!!