Yessssss! I am soooo Happy right now. You see, below is the Return of Joe Hallenbeck. It's been a year since I've heard this immaculate bastard beat a bloated film with his everloving Bat. You see folks, Joe Hallenbeck was my purest email joy. I would open up his email and laugh till I couldn't laugh anymore. In TalkBack yesterday, some folks accused me of being Joe Hallenbeck. That Joe was my Tyler Durden, and that I used him to unleash my uncaged wrath upon Hollywood. UNTRUE. However, I have always felt that Joe Hallenbeck was that ID MONSTER that all of us keep under lock and key. That subconcious beast that we only allow to peek to the surface when insulated around the closest of friends that understand the context of what you say. Joe is not politically correct. There are no forbidden words in his vocabulary, and in the Talk Backs beneath Hallenbeck... there are no reins. He is unbridled and untamed. Prepare for glee as the Mighty Joe comes to chew bubblegum and kickass....
Hell hath no fury like a Hallenbeck scorned…and this Mighty Motherfucker is hopin' mad! That's right, kiddies, the BITCH is back and he's packin' a years worth of venomous outrage that's gonna be unleashed upon The 'Wood. This five-fingered beast is gonna grab the crotch that is Hollywood and give it a yank or two…in hopes that some pecker-dillo out there pulls his or her head out of their ass just long enough to listen to what Good Ol' Joe has to say.
For about a year now stories have been floating around as to what happened to the Mighty One. They range from suicide to being blown endlessly by the Olsen Twins. My favorite stories are as followed:
1. I was rotting in some Mexican Prison and went by the name of "El Olla de Negro!"
2. I've been on the lam, ala Richard Kimble, from Lucas' Stormtroopers.
3. I went on a Memorial Day weekend bender and wound up married to Carmen Electra.
And, 4, my personal favorite…
I found TRUE, everlasting love that caused my heart to grow 3 sizes to big. LOVE?! HA!!! Love to me is a vat of KY and Kim Bassinger's masturbation scene in 9 ? weeks. Now THAT'S true love, baby!
Well, if y'all must know where the Mighty One has been…here goes:
I was vacationing on the island of FUCK YOU staying in the Province of Up Your Mama's Ass! The climate was warm and moist, but I just couldn't stand the smell any more so I hightailed it out of there.
Now then, what has brought this slumbering beast out of is guano covered Hallen-cave™? - Why, Tommy Boy and his cute lil' ass, silly!
I was fortunate to see the very first Test Screening of the first Mission: Impossible back in December of '95. What a joyous experience it was to laugh, boo, and hiss at the abomination DePalma had made. Its incoherent plot and paper thin characters just screamed for a scathing review by the Mighty One. But, alas…Joe had not yet been born.
But I digress. I'm here to write about Ray Ban Boy's latest opus and Hollywood's continuing trend of overbloated, star-driven/produced pet projects. I had the misfortunate of viewing M: I 2 (one more FUCKIN' movie with an acronym as a title and I swear to STEVEN, my Hallen-bat™ will meet the skull of several Studio Execs!) the other day on the Paramount Lot. I had not used my Jedi mind trick for quite some time, but I had no trouble convincing the guards to let me pass.
I had tremendous hope for this flick. I was told the script was worked on exhaustively, the teaser and trailer kicked major BOO-TAY, and it had the trump card of ALL trump cards - Mr. Woo. As I took my seat I felt my Hallen-Bat™ pushing against my pant leg…then, I realized I left it at home. MAN, was I excited!
Now, my mother bitches, sit back and enjoy a review that only I, THE MIGHTY JOE HALLENBECK, would dare to write…
THE PLOT - There's supposed to be one, right? Isn't that what's taught on the First Day of class in Screenwriting 101? Perhaps Mr. Towne missed that day of class. Then again, he DID write CHINATOWN and WITHOUT LIMITS. What gives? Wait a second…I know, it was a fluke. How else do you explain his other works like DAYS OF THUNDER, The First M: I and THE TWO JAKES? Or, perhaps he sold his soul to Rosie? Yes, that's it - he sold his soul to the Devil Herself. However, it still doesn't change the act he couldn't pull a plot outta his ass to save his life. The Plot of this flick makes the original one look as intriguing and complex as THE THIRD MAN! I guess the thinking was: "Too much incoherent Plot in First Movie…No Plot in second movie. Now it evens out." I would have loved to be at the pitch meeting for this premise:
Ex-Spy Bad Guy steals cure for lethal virus. Good Guy spy must stop Bad Guy Spy from getting actual virus. Toss in an ex-lover of the Bad Guy that Good Guy falls for too and you have a nice, tidy romantic love triangle. My GOD, my dick is hard just recapping the premise!
In a nutshell, throw a wannabe James Bond with NO personality or quirks into a Satan Bug situation. Didn't MacGuyver have an adventure or two like this? If the trademarked name of Mission: Impossible wasn't attached to this movie nobody would give a rats ass about it! It's like some bad Tom Clancy OP-CENTER TV Movie!
THE WRITING - Just die, Robert…just die. It's been decades since you wrote anything good (Without Limits couldn't have been all yours), let alone anything remotely watchable! How can you concoct such a cliché-riddled, lamebrain plot and try to pass it off as a good ol' fashioned entertainment? I, for one, would like to think audiences are a little more sophisticated than this. Then again, Entrapment was a hit (insert Homer shudder here).
I think the only reason you set the film in Australia was to drink Fosters Beer without having to pay an import tax. If you didn't see a shot of the Opera House every 10 minutes or Paul Hogan holding up a sign that read " Will Croc Your Dundee for Beer" I would've sworn that they shot this film in Santa Barbara. If you're in a city like Sydney - USE IT! For fuck's sake, you can do a million things Down Under (I, on the other hand, can do a Million and ONE things down under, if you know what I mean, ladies) and bring Australia alive…make it a central character, not just mere background. At least Bond films utilize their locales and take us to places most of us have never and will never be fortunate enough to see in person. It's like they sent a 2nd Unit crew to Ausie-land to take shots of the aforementioned House O'Opera and Kangaroo dung then went to Canada and shot the rest of the flick for Fifty Grand.
THE ROMANCE - as cheesy as a 1980's hair band love ballad. The romance didn't work in the first flick and it feels awfully contrived in this one. These two fall in love faster than a Cocker Spaniel does with my left leg.
THE CHARACTERS:
ETHAN HUNT (AKA Pretty Boy) is a boring, empty, vapid pissant lil' schmuck. Cruise tries to inflect some charm into him, but he just comes across as a third rate Man from U.N.C.L.E. When you think of James Bond, you think cool, suave, and sexy. When you think of Indy, you think, strong, confident, and adventurous. When you think of Ethan Hunt…Well, I don't think of him. He's just bland, bland, bland. He's no hero. He's nothing. He's nobody. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of his character traits is how gay he looks when he's doing his highwire stunts. Sure, Hunt is a sexy bitch, but just because he can fire a gun and take a punch doesn't necessarily make him a hero. He has no journey to go on. He has no growth…NOTHING!
THANDIE NEWTON (AKA Unimportant Female Lead that is just around for PG-13 lovemaking scene and to play hostage to Mr. Bad guy). Her name, as you can tell by the description, matters NOT! Yes, Ms. Newton is a definite 4 on my 5 fingers scale, but unless she injects a semblance of personality into her performance then she ain't gonna be riding the Hallen-Cock™ anytime soon.
She's a main character that disappears for half the movie. When she finally pops back up she's hanging out on a cliff. How did she get there? Beats the fuck outta me! She's supposed to be a Master thief, but her unique skills are only utilized once in the mission to pick the pocket of the Bad Guy. Hot damn! They could have gotten an organ grinder monkey to pull off that part and it would have been just as relevant to the plot. Why make her a thief? If you set her up like this, then pay it off somehow, goddamnit! Oh, and another thing - I just couldn't get past her being the same naked, pregnant chick screaming on the porch in Beloved (the 2nd most disturbing image I've ever seen…the 1st being Rosie O'Donnell in leather and chains in EXIT TO EDEN).
Excuse me for a moment, I must wretch!
VING RHAMES - I love the guy. He's an amazing actor whom never ceases to amaze me. However, what I'm about to write must be written. Rhames' character basically plays Ethan Hunt's "Nigger." It is a cliched, racist role that continues to be portrayed in Hollywood again and again. He's the token black guy who makes a "funny" every now and then. They think just because they dress him in fancy clothes and sit him at a computer it more than makes up the 300 plus years of slavery. He's a Versace wearing Sambo to Cruise's Hunt. He has nothing to do and nothing to say except "Yessum, Massa' Hunt" and do his bidding. Rhames should be ashamed of himself for taking a part like this, not only as an actor, but also as An African-American man who basically has to serve his White Master.
DOUGRAY SCOTT - I've had farts more menacing than this kilt wearing creep.
ANTHONY HOPKINS - the only one with good lines to spew…of course, you've heard them all in the trailer.
THE DIRECTOR - I LOVE John…always have always will. The art and beauty he brings to the image of a bullet piercing the skin of a Bad guy just brings a tear to my eye. He has a few moments of pure cool Woo-isms in this film (a fine-feathered friend in particular), but not even these jaw-dropping images can save this 2 hour plus movie from it's boring abyss. It takes over 90 minutes for any real excitement or action to kick in. By that time you're looking over at your date and wondering if she'll go down on you in the parking lot or just wait until you two get back to your place.
I'm gonna write this one off as a hefty paycheck for Mr. Woo. You can fully tell he wasn't in charge of this opus. I know his masterpieces like THE KILLER, HARD-BOILED, and BULLET IN THE HEAD will never be duplicated here in the States. I can only hope that his future American projects are on par with the kick-ass FACE/OFF rather than this abysmal excuse for an action flick. Perhaps WINDTALKERS will be his Best American film date. It has the makings of a Woo Masterpieces - honor, betrayal, friendship, loyalty, and uh…. guns. LOTS and LOTS of GUNS!
THE MUSIC - another adrenaline pumping, ear popping noise-fest by Hans and his boys at Media Ventures. Enough with the Spanish flavoring already! I did, however, dig Limp Bizket's rendition of the theme. Just cut out the lyrics and release an instrumental version, damn it!
Oh, and as a side note, listen to the song that's playing while Cruise is climbing. It's an ode to a past hit of Cruises'…just a different cut.
So, kiddies, what have I learned this past year? Well, Hollywood still doesn't get it. There is a better chance of seeing Jesse Jackson at a Klan Rally then finding a decent "Popcorn" script in Hollywood nowadays. It's sad, but true. Granted, these movies bring in some major bank, but they are instantly forgettable after their Opening Weekend. There hasn't been a great Popcorn Film in ages. The only way the 'Wood is going to get this message is if WE, the movie going public, stop giving them our hard-earned mula. As long as the receipts are there we're going to be continuously bombarded by crap after crap after crap.
I, like many of you, fell in love with movies after I saw NOT a good drama or a funny comedy, but an eye-poppin', jaw-droppin' special f/x extravaganza that made me jizz in my jeans. Sure, they may have been corny, but they were fun. Where's the fun now? Hollywood, for some reason, can't produce these films any more. Why, I ask? Why? Well, the first place to start is with the script. There are 1000's of great, highly unique and original ideas out there. Quit snorting up lines and FIND THEM!
It's a shame a movie like M: I 2 is going to open huge. We can only hope it drops faster then an aspiring Starlet at a Hollywood Party.
So, kiddies, let's recap:
1. PLOT STILL FUCKIN' MATTERS!
2. Thandie Newton is highly boinkable even though she was that whacked out, screaming, naked Prego in Beloved.
3. Mr. Rhames should stop taking checks from Whitey.
4. Spitting insults us, ladies.
As for me, well…water's wet…The sky is blue…The Mighty One is back and if you don't like it…
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
Send your death threats to Hallenbeck69@hotmail.com
PS FUCK SHAFT! I'm STILL THE MAN!!!
