Folks, time goes by and now and again I am amazed. This is one of those times... you see Joe Hallenbeck is just amazing. Now I know many of you hate the man with a passion, and rightfully so, he can be an arrogant bastard. In fact when he punched that one whiney baby in the face during that terrible screening of ZERO EFFECT the other day... well I thought abusing a screaming kid in a theater was a bit much, but to Hallenbeck he was extracting his style of justice. The next morning he arrived at my hotel with... get this... STAN'S DONUTS, well technically Apple Crisps which are the food of the gods, giant rats aside. He took me to the LA Comic Con, and to the airport. Along the way I off handedly mentioned a screening of DARK CITY in Boston that next night. His blue/green/hazel/alabaster/onyx/trippy eyes glowed. He told me that Vegas was kind and that he would go and get in. I told him he was full of shit... he went. WOW!!! He flew across the country on a whim... whata spy?!?!?! And he loved the movie... READ ON as only Joe can say it...
'Tis a new year and the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck is rarin' to go. I'm ready to start pissing people off and pleasing others. Today, my leacherous friends, I, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, will spin a tale(and get some while I'm writing this up) about my adventures in seeing DARK CITY(cue Steineresque music here)...
It all started ealry yesterday morn. Flunky Sidekick and myself were escorting Master Knowles to LAX. On the way there, my wise cherub friend told me about an exclusive screening of Dark City that was to take place at Boston University last night. Now, being the master spy I am, I knew I had a job to do...I had to get into that screening! However, there was a catch...in order to get into this screening one had to be a current student there or an Alumni. If you were an Alumni you had to prove so by flashing the Stormtroopers your secret Alumni decoder ring. This may have proven to be tricky, but...you'll see.
We arrived at the departing gate and Master Knowles went off to his flight. I turned to Flunky Sidekick and told him I'll be right back. The dude was in the White Zone, he can wait there for as long as he damn well pleases! I hop out of the Geek Mobile and head off to the nearest gate which housed the ealiest departing flight to Logan Airport. I arrive just as they begin to board. I look around and realize I've gotta snag a ticket from some unsuspecting schmuck. I see this Drunk Mick stumble out of the long line and head off into the Can. I follow him in.
(Two minutes pass).
Like Dr. Lecter, I board the plane using someone else's ticket. The plane takes off and I'm on my way to Boston. I check the Mick's wallet and I discover a gold Plantinum Visa Card. I grab the nearest phone and call my "Jewelry" friend, Pete, in New England. I tell Pete I need him to doctor up a Fugazi of a BU Alumni Ring. He says no prob.
Right now I can go on about my flight and my torrid sexual encounters with the many stewardesses, but I'll leave that to your sexual deprived imaginations.
The flight Lands in Logan on time. I meet Pete in a Cocktail Lounge and pick up the ring(ugly little thing it has this damn bronze rat on it). I hop in a Cab and head off to the screening.
Like that dude in Around the World, I arrive on the scene precisely on time. I flash the Nazi-esque piss-ant at the door my Fugazi and he lets me in. I enter the theater and find a perfect seat(it's as if they knew I was coming). The lights dim and the movie starts.
Now, my comrades, prepare to read a review that only I, the Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, would dare to write...
The Plot - I'm not gonna ruin this one for you. I went into this damn movie blind and so will you! If you see any commercial relating to this movie do your self the favor and avert your ears and eyes to it. Do not ruin what, in my opinion, is the single greatest sci-fi film to come out since Blade Runner. This movie is fucking amazing in every single aspect of filmmaking. It is so audaciously original and so amazingly cool any self-respecting movie geek with an IQ in the triple digits will cream in his or her pants during and after this film. Go see this movie blind. Read nothing about it and watch nothing about it. I BESEECH YOU -- BE AN IGNORRANT SCHMUCK WHEN IT COMES TO THIS MOVIE. You can thank me later.
The Writing - Alex Proyas and his Motley Crew of Scribes have concocted the most intelligent, highly original mind-fuck of a sci-fi movie since Ridley's Masterpiece. Never have I been so intellectually challenged while watching a movie(except for 2001). My mind was working overtime as I sat there watching this thing. I was blown away by how original this incredible piece of Cinema was. You have never seen a film like this before and I doubt you'll ever will.
The Directing - The Crow, schmoe. A decent flick with some cool images, that's all it was. The only reason this thing made bucks and got some ink was due to the untimely death of it's star. I didn't see what the big deal was. Alex Proyas proved to me he can make a shitty movie look cool, but he sure as hell didn't show me he can tell a good story. That is not the case with Dark City. He managed to spin a yarn that is intricately put together and original. This is an intelligent sci-fi, film noir, action flick with a kick ass climax. Get the fuck out of here, you say? No way, my fellow geeks. 'Tis true...'tis very true. Seeing a movie like this that's so stimulating intellectually and spiritually is better than having sex with 3 Goddesses at once...well, almost.
The Acting - Top notch all around.
Rufus Sewell - My only complaint about this masterpiece is the star. He was good, but not great. I wanted a little extra umph to his performance. And that eye of his...as I sat there watching this flick I couldn't help but wonder if he might be Marty Feldman's bastard son. Still, he was acceptable as the lead.
William Hurt - Dry, low-key, and looking spaced out...typical Hurt. He's one cool hombre.
Jennifer Connelly - I would cut off ten of my digits to just be in the same room with her, let alone have my way with her. In Ancient Times, Wars were fought over women like her. She is the epitome of beauty. My mouth water's just mentioning her name. I'm afraid my keyboard is gonna short out.
Keifer Sutherland - He's Egor and Dr. Frankenstein in one. A creepy little fellow with a brilliant mind(sorta like me). Keifer was cool. He proved to me he shares some traits with Daddy.
The rest - THE VISITORS. Creepy, cool and highly memorable. These are the real MEN IN BLACK. These dudes will be remembered for years to come.
The Music - I was blown away by Trevor Jones' amazing score. I'm buying this son of a bitch the day it comes out(and it better come out). It's haunting, exciting and powerful all at once. Goddamn, was it cool!!!
The F/X and Art Direction - This movie has some of the most amazing effects work I've ever seen. The look of the film is highly imaginative and incredibly unique. Chalk up a few noms in next years Academy Awards in the Tech Categories for this puppy.
Overall - This movie, as brilliant as it is, will unfortunately bomb. It's way to smart for most people and way to cool for the others. It's got Cult Hit written all over it(I would be honored to Head this Cult). Mark my words, -- in ten years, like Blade Runner(which also bombed and was panned), Dark City will be looked at as a Masterpiece!
SHIT! I just remembered something...Flunky Sidekick is still waiting in the White Zone! Until next time...
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
