Ever since my last test screening infiltration, the ME MYSELF AND IRENE presentation, I realized that some aspects of my... how shall we say this... my disguise was simply going to have to change.

The corset that I was put in to give me that girlish figure... well, that broke 3 of my ribs. Which hurt like a bitch. Then that awful beard plucking torture of removing the fake chin that Baker gave me. Ya know... I don’t understand how Ethan Hunt does it.

When I found out about the 2nd test screening of THE PATRIOT, especially coming on the heels of that new trailer, and having seen the ShoWest reel... Well, I wanted to see the damn movie.

Now, I suppose I could’ve tried official routes, begged like some ninny trying to get to THE BEACH junket... but that’s nowhere near as fun as simply getting in.

I showed up on Moriarty’s sewer cover entrance to the labs, stomped my foot to “Shave and a haircut” and was soon lowering down into the Moriarty Labs Spa & Resort.

I told Moriarty.... Hey.... Let’s bust the PATRIOT screening. He looked a little cockeyed at me, went on about how much INDEPENDENCE DAY and GODZILLA sucked. And to tell the truth, the old man looked like Spring Love was lifting his lily stalk, till I saw Mongo’s stump pushing it up.

Moriarty finally reluctantly gave in after 2.3 seconds of tickling him. Heh. heh.. Muhahahaha. Poor old man hasn’t a prayer. He asked me what my plan was.

I just looked at him and said.... “Trust me.”

Mongo had gnawed every other wooden spoke of the Moriarty Carriage’s wheels, so we called up John Robie’s Cat House to see if Robie was up for the mission. He was, and soon we were all off to Orange County in John Robie’s FelineWagon.

As we arrived at this megaplex, the line of potential attendees stretched down the side of the building. Moriarty was looking around desperately for my make-up and disguise bag.

“Knowles, those NRG goons will kill you, rape me and let Robie live! You must wear a disguise, you’ll ruin everything!”

I looked at him, blew the old fart a kiss, and piled out of the FelineWagon and walked towards the theater. As we got closer, AICN readers and spies in the line stared at me in shock. They were like... “Is that Harry Knowles” and “That’s no moon, that’s Headgeek!” and so on.

I reached out with my mental powers and began making the various NRG goons go into a roaring version of the PEE PEE DANCE.

As we reached the box office, I could see the friends of Farrell beginning to have one of those.... BAD DAYS. You could see it in their eyes. “Oh God, he does exist!”

I walked up to the one with a list and a bunch of red tickets saying RESERVED in bold black font. As I approached, it was as if DRACULA saw Peter Cushing holding a cross. The man started to hiss like a pissed off cat. His canine teeth elongating. His eyes filled with anger.

“Hi,” I said in my coolest John Travolta promoting BATTLEFIELD EARTH voice.... “Hi, I’m Harry Knowles of Aint It Cool News. Me and my fellow spies, James G Moriarty and John Robie will be seeing THE PATRIOT tonight and you will be handing me 3 Red ‘RESERVED’ tickets.”

This is when Moriarty started to scream, “God damn it Knowles! That’s your fucking plan!?!?!? The stupid Jedi Mindtrick?”

I flashed him that look I give pizza at the buffet, and stared back into the eyes of the NRG goon.

He was utterly confused. “There... Right there on your paper, it has my name plus 2.”

He looked at his list. There was no such listing. He looked back at me.

That’s when I saw Dean Devlin getting out of this bus type of thing, and I looked at the goon, then waved at Dean, who looked at me like... “Is that Harry Knowles? Naaaaah, couldn’t be,” then waved back.

“See... It’s ok with the Producer. Hand me 3 tickets.” And then... his hand counted out 3 tickets and handed them to me. Moriarty and John Robie then understood... The power of Headgeek. The power of bullshit.

I waved back at the line, which was slowly moving into the theater, as we three moved on in as well. Theater 13. Ahhh... the fates smile, my lucky number.

As we round the corner, this NRG wench monster raises her hand to cease my forward momentum. I simply raise my arm full out in front of my face, placing the RED RESERVED ticket about a half inch in front of her eyes as we moved around her. Then, we entered the actual screening room. Big curved screen, nice stadium seating... The auditorium was about half full, and I’d say there were about 70 taped off seats. I spotted exactly center of the theater, 4 empty seats just to the right of the reserved section... dead center. So we walked up, removing the tape and taking our seats.

As Moriarty sat down, he couldn’t believe it. Somehow, we had gotten in with no tickets, no name on the list. Just machismo bullshit. I explained about the size thing. A grand belly like mine is an imposing threat to little people. It’s like the world’s greatest blunt object to silently threaten goons with. Moriarty was just... baffled, looking at his own... nearly exposed ribcage... every rib countable... then stared with envy at my magnificent camel hump.

I then handed them my red RESERVED card and said... see if these have power at the concession stands... I want a diet drink. Robie and Moriarty took off, leaving me alone in a room full of potential spies. New characters with whom adventures could be had.

I instantly began chattering about LOTR, SPIDER-MAN, SWE2, etc etc etc... Found one fella that had seen THE PATRIOT in a video projection on the SONY lot and had this strange possessed look, mumbling phrases like, “I’d do anything to see PATRIOT again... heh huh” Well... cool.

Moriarty returned first with 5 hotdogs, 3 bags of popcorn dripping butter from the bottom and one of those hats that holds two 44 ounce MOUNTAIN DEW glasses with a straw leading to his mouth. I looked at him.... “Guess the ticket worked,” I exclaimed.

He just started patting his pathetic emaciated abdomen and said... “Need the Belly! Belly is Power!”

Robie came back with my diet Pepsi, I repeat... is there any other more RANK DIET DRINK than Diet Pepsi? He had this strange look on his face, when suddenly a caravan of Porters carrying candy, popcorn and nachos delivered a mound of food upon him.

Sickos!

I sipped my Diet Sewer Juice (copyright PepsiCo, I think) and awaited the film.

Soon this NRG Goon with a sheet of paper appears in front of the auditorium and does the speech I’ve heard a good 2 dozen times about, the film isn’t finished and it’s got more effects work, yadda yadda yadda. The dweeb didn’t even mention that the John Williams score wasn’t attached yet and that it had temp music. But that didn’t really matter, this audience was filled with familiar faces. I’ve sat amongst them in various disguises before, and they never really change. Line people are the same everywhere.

Finally the auditorium went dark, this one guy next to Moriarty says, “Oh boy, I love Submarine movies!” Heh... he’s in for a surprise.

Ok, now I’m to the review. Many of you don’t trust me at all regarding Emmerich & Devlin movies. I love INDEPENDENCE DAY and STARGATE and while I’ll admit the acting in GODZILLA is crap, I dig the effects work quite a bit and don’t think the movie is as wrenchingly awful as most feel it is.

There are film fans that really dig ID4 and STARGATE, I know... I’ve talked with these people before.... they do exist. But there seems to be a rather large vocal anti-Emmerich & Devlin crowd that... I quite honestly have never understood the furor of.

Up until THE PATRIOT, E & D have made really entertaining eye candy. Films that, for me, have looked lovely, sounded lovely, were fun, but were not particularly deep at all. I have always felt there was a potential for a truly fantastic all around movie from these guys.

It was going to hinge on nabbing a fantastic script, then casting it correctly and finally nailing it all the way through.

With THE PATRIOT they have made the film that elevates them from just making Entertaining Eye Candy (which I do love).

I don’t want to go into spoilers here in this review, I’m sure others will do a fine great job of spoiling the film for readers... but that’s not what I do.

This summer, you readers have an amazing double treat of Period films for you. Epics. You have heard from just about every website and source that GLADIATOR rules. It does. It is an awesome movie, a Ridley Scott Masterpiece. You’ve seen Moriarty herald it as being the best film ever to come from Ridley.

After the screening of this rough unfinished version of THE PATRIOT, I asked Moriarty and Robie which film they thought was better. Both of them couldn’t decide, exclaiming that they were different films. That both are superior accomplishments in filmmaking. Both films are strong in characterizations, performances, emotion, horror, visceral thrills and spectacle. These are VERY BIG FILMS.

That’s when I said, “Can you imagine what that film is going to be like when John Williams places his score upon it?”

That’s it folks... the only way this movie could be fucked up, would be if John Williams did it. If he placed OTIS’ THEME over the battles. But you know and I know... that ain’t gonna happen. The temp music was filled with Williams’ BORN OF THE FOURTH OF JULY themes. In the hours after the film was over I was trying to imagine the flutes and piccolos dancing about as snare drums march and the inevitable beauty of Williams’ horns trumpet out.

BUT... Without that help. With just the temp score and sound that is nowhere near fully mastered or mixed. Looking at temporary nowhere near finished compositing and battle effects. Well... this movie works as drama.

This is not a film of stilted dialogue or a mixed bag of performances. This is the type of film where the conversation afterwards was questions about whether Mel Gibson would be nominated for an Academy Award. Personally... while I love both his performance in THE PATRIOT and Russell Crowe’s acting chops in GLADIATOR... I just don’t see the Academy as being cool enough to nominate either.

Now, one of the criticisms I’ve heard about this movie from just a couple of people was that it was too similar to BRAVEHEART. This... IS CRAP.

I love BRAVEHEART. I’m dying for it to come to DVD, but frankly they are completely different films. BRAVEHEART is a film about the struggle for freedom.

THE PATRIOT is a movie about the price of that struggle... the very real cost of a war fought at home with a ruthless enemy. There were multiple scenes in the film that left the audience devastated. In this film, the dog would not survive in the tunnel, if you catch my drift.

The film is viscous in it’s stripping of innocence. Here... I’m going to discuss a spoiler here. This is for all you people out there that doubt what I’m saying. This is a sampling of the type of power that Emmerich is wielding here.

There is a point in the film where the British are set to hang Mel’s son, played wonderfully by Heath Ledger, as a traitor and spy. Something horrible happens right before this scene that just hurts to watch.

This is the ‘rescue’ of Heath. Mel gathers up a pair of his sons. I’m guessing these kids are around ages 7 and 11. They’ve just witnessed a slaughter of men before their eyes, the burning of their homes. They’ve been taken by their father away from their siblings, to do.... God only knows what.

They reach a bluff overlooking the trail that the British are leading their older brother down. Mel hands these little boys, two rifles, a bag of marble sized lead balls and a powder horn. These children are terrified. They are shaking. He tells them not to fire till he fires, he tells them to shoot the officers. He tells the older boy to load for the younger boy. He tells them that if they see him die, to put down their weapons and run and find their brothers and sisters and take them to their aunt’s house.

These kids are scared shitless. They’ve hunted deer before, shot squirrels and other game. They’ve played Colonials and Indians. But this is real. For the first time in their lives they have witnessed DEATH. The bloody horror of it. The ruthless monstrosity of men laying gasping for air as their lungs fill with blood.... They no longer live in a ‘happily ever after’ world. They’ve seen family die on this day. Just... moments ago really. Now they are deep in a forest planning to kill people themselves. They are terrified, uncertain of their own abilities, unsure of who the man they called Father is at this moment. What is he going to do? There are 20 British soldiers. How can they win? They are doomed.

Mel see’s this fear. He says to them something along the lines of, “I taught you boys how to shoot. What did I teach you?”

One of the boys meekly states, “Aim little.... miss little?”

Mel looks at them with complete confidence and says... “That’s right. Aim Little, Miss Little!”

And as he is set to move to his position, you see this moment of hesitation as he watches his boys... his little boys set to KILL MEN. Then sets up his death trap of rifles behind various trees.

As the battle begins, you witness the very real gore of combat. There are tomahawk hits, slit throats, head shots, knees shot out. Killing. A different kind of slaughter. The boys... these boys killing.

When it’s over there is one man lying face down in a stream, Mel Gibson’s tomahawk sticking out of his back. He pulls it free and begins repeatedly hacking into the man. A visage of fury. Blood flying... a crazed butcher seeking vengeance upon the dead meat before him.

His sons watching him. Watching a side of their father they had heard rumors about. A side of their father that made him... not so huggable anymore.

At a moment of calm... Mel stands, completely drenched in viscera and blood. We watch from the children’s point of view as... he turns. When he sees his boys staring at him... this blood red face dripping becomes ashamed. He realizes that he will never look purely good to their eyes again. The shot KILLS you the viewer.

THE PATRIOT is an accomplishment, a possible turning point in the career of it’s director. Critics of his previous work... sing a different tune after they watch this film. Read Moriarty’s upcoming review to see for yourself. I can now say with certainty that there are 3 fantastic movies for you people to watch this summer. GLADIATOR, ME MYSELF AND IRENE and THE PATRIOT. If there are no other successes this summer... I’ll be happy with these three. And GLADIATOR and THE PATRIOT will live in film geeks’ DVD collections for a very long time.

For you battle junkies, you’ve never seen Revolutionary war quite like this. The cannon balls tearing through men as though they were seedless watermelons. Eliciting, “Oh dear God” from Moriarty. For people that dug the hell out of Daniel Day Lewis’ battle stylings in LAST OF THE MOHICANS... well... Mel puts that to shame.

For people that don’t care about battles and gore and killing. For the people that just want a damn fine movie. It’s here as well. This is a Love Story. Not between Mel and his new lady love. Not between Heath Ledger and his beautiful childhood sweetheart. But the love between a father and son.

In addition to the battles and the American Revolution... this is a story about a father watching his son become a man. Watching that promise lived out.

In addition, the ‘wacky gang of followers’ that are with Mel’s little group... Unlike in BRAVEHEART, these men all have motivations.... reasons to be fighting. Anger issues. They are their own characters, not cardboard cutouts.

I can’t wait for Father Geek to see this movie. He’s going to love it. In all likelihood... this will be the first movie that my nephew will see. He’s due to be born about two weeks prior to the film’s release. It’s not as perverse as my first film, CLOCKWORK ORANGE, but it’s a great film nonethless.