Hey folks, Harry here. Currently I'm out here in smoggy Los Angeles enjoying various spy activities while vacationing at the Moriarty Labs Spa And Resorts, when I saw that Robogeek had done an introduction to this first report, with... no insult to Robogeek, but... Quite honestly... he doesn't know what the actor was actually filming or the part he plays in this tapestry. It's funny really. You see, the actor didn't really know what he was filming. You see... The so-called 'Stay-Puft Ninjas'... they aren't marshmellow creatures, they aren't big musclemen... They are something far far cooler. And to be honest, it's next to impossible to really describe what they are. You see... these 'Stay-Puft Ninjas' as Mr Celine describes them have a couple of forms in the film. They are the hidieous creations of the evil Wonka like badguy (played by Alan Cummings) of the film. Through the first third of the movie, they appear as these.... 'shapes' dressed entirely in black with a very odd... different form. However, as the film progresses... we find out that they are really these creatures... these odd... amalgamation of protuberances that when you see them in their final unclothed form, are quite frankly instantly iconic. It's really great that this particular spy... has no idea of exactly how cool these... Harryhausen-esque creations will turn out being in the film. As for the scene he's describing with the jet packs... well, boy oh boy... you'll most likely see some clips from the following scenes in the trailer and it's the sort of stuff that will just get you fired up for the film. This isn't like James Bond jetpacking in THUNDERBALL, it's closer to the type of jetpacking from the rescue scene in the ROCKETEER, but... actually it's the sort of jetpacking that that film really needed during the finale of that film. As for anyone getting a 'bad feeling' from an extra's report about being in a hot foam rubber suit... Just remember, the people that were making Robocop thought it sucked, because none of the mechanical things actually worked. It's amazing what happens the further along a film gets. This movie is going to rule. You can bet your bottom dollar on it. You'll see

Also, I just finished reading Uncapie's talk back below... You see folks, this movie was originally set to begin filming in October of last year. It was delayed till... Mid-March of this year. Was the reason, script trouble, budget cuts, an uncertain greenlight or actor availability? No. Rodriguez, being the smart filmmaker that he is, decided to try and get an advertising partner for his KID movie, and sculpted and painted up some ideas he had for toys, and went out and pitched McDonalds. They loved everything he showed them, wanted to do it, but the only time in the future they had open to partner with him and do a SPY KIDS happymeal thing, was March 2001. Pushing his film's release date almost 8 months from it's original Summer 2001. But let's face it folks, if a Happy Meal can make a piece of shit movie like INSPECTOR GADGET a $100 million dollar plus success, imagine what that sort of partnership with a really really GOOD movie can do. So Robert pushed principal photography. However, in that 'hiatus', Robert flew to Chile and the Bahamas to do some 2nd Unit work, including the amazing shark background plates he nabbed in the Bahamas and the flying through the Andes plates as well. I love people jumping to conclusions without actually knowing what they are talking about...

Greetings, citizens! ROBOGEEK here with what I believe to be the FIRST EVER set report from the super-groovy new Robert Rodriguez project SPY KIDS, which just started shooting in Our Fair City.

This report comes from a very talented acquaintance of mine we'll call MR. CELINE, who would love nothing more than to work with a certain Jim Cameron on one of his upcoming Mars projects. I can personally attest Mr. Celine would be an exceedingly worthy addition to those endeavors -- as can surely, no doubt, Jim's good buddy Guillermo del Toro, who makes a cameo appearance in the following report.

It seems that Don Guillermo found some spare time before departing for Spain yesterday (to start pre-production on THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE) to swing by pal Robert's set to do some camera work, just for kicks. By the way, call me nuts, but I can't help but draw a distinct parallel between Guillermo's decision to do BLADE: BLOODHUNT and Cameron's decision to do ALIENS. Hmmm... But I digress!

Anyway, here is an entertaining and enlightening first-hand account of a day on the set of SPY KIDS. Take it away, Mr. Celine!

Robert Rodriguez just started shooting a new children's adventure movie called "Spy Kids" in Austin, Texas. Production began last month in a couple of aircraft hangers at Austin's former Robert Mueller Airport. This is the first feature film use of the facilities that I know of since the City of Austin approved a plan to use the hangers as film studios. I must say that it is a very efficient and appropriate use of the space.

I had the luck (or misfortune, depending on how temperature tolerant you are; read on) of landing an exceedingly minor role in the film. Primarily I am a theatre actor in Austin, but occasionally I get called for film work. This time they wanted to know if I would take a faceless, voiceless, low-paying part in a Robert Rodriguez flick. Sure! Rodriguez's films look like they are a lot of fun and after reading his book I thought it would be an interesting experience.

This was my first real brush with feature work so I had a lot of ideas about how it all happens. The end of the day proved most of my conceptions wrong.

The casting agency told me to show up bright and early at 7am. I followed the little ideograms for Sleeping Shark Productions. The hangers sit adjacent to a giant field of fragrant bluebonnets and are surrounded by a barbwire-topped chain link fence. There was a large portable A/C compressor on a trailer out front with thick cables of coolant slithering into a forced breach in the metal hanger wall.

I thought that since I was told to show up at 7am, that is when everything would be starting. Wrong idea #1. It was like a sleepy little town that just started getting up. People were slowly arriving, eating breakfast, and wandering around. I went to where I had tried on the giant foam bodysuit earlier in the week but there was no one to be found. It seems that when you are looking for someone who's in charge on set, they sense it. Everyone I came in contact with tried to look like they had as little responsibility as possible.

Finally an actor walked in. I didn't recognize him from any past work, but he was easy to pick out: chiseled visage, even tan, styled hair, well-dressed, and confident. At least he LOOKED responsible. He took me to wardrobe which was outside on the tarmac, whom I assumed would know what I was doing today. Wrong idea #2. Departments on set are very compartmentalized, even wardrobe and puppetry. They sent me back inside.

I waited. And I waited some more. Then, after waiting a little while longer, Connie, the person in charge of the Inquisitional Inhuman Torture Devices, arrived. Connie was really nice, but she didn't know what was going on. I was supposed to be a replacement for someone, but they thought that that someone was there and they couldn't understand why I had been called. They were about to send me home when they discovered that the person I was supposed to sub for was, in fact, not there. They told me to wait.

Due to the very expensive costs of shooting film I thought that movie making operated like a well-oiled machine where everyone knew what was going on where and when. Wrong idea #3. It turns out that only the director knows this. "When will I be needed?" "We don't know. Stay here in this tiny room. It happens when it happens." I bet Spacey doesn't get this crap.

So I waited. Eventually lunch time rolled around. I always thought that feature film crews were supposed to be well-fed. After all, an army marches on its stomach. Sure enough, I soon noticed that people were leaving. I followed my nose to the other hanger and found the chow line. There were many choices, but I settled on grilled mahi-mahi with pineapple relish, potatoes au gratin, and baked tomatoes. No wonder movies cost so much to make.

Finally, after I had eaten well and gained several inches around my waist, the call came to suit up. I and several other guys (all about the same height and weight; that is how I was called for the part) were soon turned into evil henchmen.

You see, Antonio Banderas' character and character's wife are spies. And they have kids. And they get captured and the kids rescue them. The villain is an ex-spy who has turned into this cartoonish representation of his former self (literally). In a sort of Roger Rabbit mix, the evil guy and his legion of henchmen, and Teri Hatcher, conspire to get the secret thingamajig and take over the world. I'm probably oversimplifying, or speaking inaccurately, or outright lying, so go see the movie.

I got to play one of the bad guys. The suit is nothing less than the Stay Puft marshmallow man in black ninja attire. First there was a full-body leotard. Then came the big foam muscle bodysuit. Then came the giant foam feet. Then the foam clubs over the hands. Then a giant foam helmet designed for a Conehead. Then over all of that goes a thick black unbreathable cloth. Somewhere in that mix they added fire, brimstone, and molten lead.

They rushed us down to the set and dropped us in front of a giant air conditioning unit. The unit sent cold air in little tubes throughout the hanger. The only reason it cooled us off was because it had a leak in the seal. Cooling us off was an accidental byproduct, not intentional innovation, thus further burying wrong idea #3. We had to wait.

I had to pee.

Frantically, I searched for anyone with a headset. The more complex your headset and the more cell phones and radios you have, the more important you are; unless you are the director in which case nothing electronic must touch your skin. Finally I found someone slightly important (Motorola Talkabout) and informed them of my predicament. He laughed. Then he stared at me as if I'd just peed on his Talkabout. "You better go. Now. Hurry." Off I went.

I arrived in the bathroom only to realize that I was trapped inside myself.

I looked around for anyone who could help me. A grip walked by and I said "Can you unzip me?" Again, there was the look, as if I'd wrapped myself in his gaff tape. "That's usually what the ladies say..." he quipped to lessen the awkward situation. I was free. I won't bother you with further details, but it is no wonder the bad guys always lose.

I waited some more. Film technology is a marvel to behold. The lighting is incredible. If the director wants sunlight, viola! And the neat thing is that the lights are a thousand times hotter than the surface of the real Sun. I'm lucky my body was already charred to a greasy carbonized husk inside the suit, else I would have been uncomfortable.

We were called in. Finally here I was, on set with a handful of unknown pretty-boys and Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher seems like a nice enough person, which is a fairly easy comment to make about a complete stranger. Teri, if you are reading this, contrary to what one of the wardrobe people said, I don't think you are getting too thin. You look great. Don't let the Flockhart Frenzy get you down. You go, girl.

We did the rehearsal sans helmets so that we could see better. Rodriguez was wandering around, putting us into place, wearing his trademark bandana over his head. Guillermo del Toro (!!!) was behind the camera, checking the shot.

Then Robert called action. The scene taking place is where we invade some island bungalow. We run towards the camera. Cut! Action! I scramble up off the floor and run towards the camera. Cut! Action! I fall in line and march with other shapes towards the camera. Cut! Action! A shape flies off with a rocket pack out of frame and I step in to grab a rocket pack. Cut! Action! I am the last shape to grab a rocket pack, shot in Radio City Rockettes style. Cut! We did this shot without helmets so we could see where to grab the packs with our handicapped arms. I kept getting my face in the shot. Either I eventually did it right or Robert just gave up.

In another shot they had to set one of the stuntmen's helmet on fire.

Having seen this in movies before I imagined that this was a well thought-out process that was very safe and had been done so many times as to be second nature. Wrong idea #4. Robert went up to his effects coordinator and asked "How are you going to do this?" He replied "I thought I'd tape flash paper to his head."

So they taped flash paper to this poor guy's helmet and then told us to run into the scene as we had previously. Everything was set up. We were in places. People stood about with fire extinguishers. Quiet on the set!

Action! They set his head on fire and we ran towards the camera. Cut! I was standing next to the stuntman, who was lying on the ground. "You can get up now," someone said. He stood up and smashed his head into a light and then steadied. His head was still on fire. Finally someone brushed the fire out. The air was heavy with the smell of molten duct tape.

We had to do it again.

We had run too fast into the shot, said Robert, failing to notice that we had never been given a cue or been to told at what speed to enter. But there were more important things for him to worry about, so I let it slide. Action! Once again, they set a head aflame. We ran. Cut! "Good job!" The guy with his head on fire was grumpy.

Robert Rodriguez is a good director, from what I could see. His people respect him and he is patient and very supportive. I'm not sure, but I think I was the only actor in the shapes group. Drawing from my knowledge of sci-fi flicks and knowing that kids movies should be over-the-top, I did my Robbie-the-Robot best to bring some life and charm to the evil Stay Puft ninja. Robert was generally complimentary, but I couldn't help thinking that his praise was squarely directed at me. If my work survives the edit room, look for the goofily marching black shape in the beach bungalow.

I bitch about the heat (each of us was assigned a personal assistant with a tiny ineffectual fan to stick in our face) but the experience was interesting and rewarding. It made me want to work more with feature film, in spite of the "hurry up and wait" style of work. Some of the people I worked with seemed a bit jaded on the whole thing. They didn't feel the "movie magic". Perhaps they, too, had seen their ideas and dreams of movie making killed off by practical reality. But rather than alienate or disappoint, the righting of my wrongs made me feel more comfortable.

It was just like the theatre.

-- Mr. Celine