“Dude, he punches a guy through the fucking head.”
This is the quote that a comrade of mine keeps repeating after I told him that I’d dug up this week’s gem from its 90s tomb. Returning to the types of flicks that only a handful of the members of society can appreciate, this one packs a punch like few others.
How awesome is this film exactly? Well, it starts off with a grown ass man crying for his mother, while holding a woman hostage and having delusions of his father having extra-marital affairs right before his eyes. I mean, after that and the PUNCH THROUGH THE FACE, what more do I need to tell you to sell you on this flick?
Nothing? I thought so…
This week I managed to get my grubby little hands on a copy of CYBORG COP.
[Insert cheers here]
Well, the story kick starts at the ousting of two sibling officers, Philip and Jack Ryan, (Todd Jensen & David Bradley, respectively), who were involved in the execution of the above-mentioned psychotic assailant. As a backlash for how they handled the situation – more so the fact that the particular crazy they killed was a wealthy, well connected crazy – they are forced to retire from active police duty. This only leads to the chaos from which the film’s events occur as one of the brothers becomes involved in a covert DEA operation against a St. Lucian drug lord, ultimately pulling his sibling into the mix after his team’s plans on the island seem to go amiss.
Over in the Caribbean, it seems that our stereotypical “heavyset with an funny accent” villain, a man who goes by Kessler (John Rhys-Davies), is turning captured soldiers into cyborgs. It’s actually kind of neat. The film’s got him sawing off appendages and replacing them with all kinds of weaponry while making their voices sound oh so 90s robotic cheesy. Kessler manages to actually capture brother Jack and change him into one of his machines, which is what really gets brother Philip in an outrage and further sponsors the rampage he goes on in efforts to try to stop this mad scientist from partaking in further earth damning madness.
Now, the acting is slightly better than typical of what you’d expect from a film of this nature. David Bradley comes across as the all-the-way-turned-up cheese ball that films of this nature need. He’s got a strange confidence about him –which is totally played up by his “awesome” (hint of sarcasm) hairdo and his even “awesomer” (more sarcasm) fanny pack. Taking a step out of the film, I’m seriously confused as to how those things were ever tolerable, much less, in style, but the dude is rocking it through the entire film like it’s of all consequence. On top of that, he’s got an emotional element about him, as some of his questionable decision-making can only be explained by his love for his brother and for law enforcement itself. Furthermore, watching him interact with the film’s feisty female journalist, Cathy (Alonna Shaw), in a relationship that is quite misplaced but allows for the necessary fornication and nudity, adds that one extra romantic layer to his repertoire. While I’m not entirely surprised he didn’t get nominated for any awards in this direct to video release, for what its worth, he’s truly a multiple trick pony.
Au contraire, Kessler is the perfect dimwitted felon. From his round stature to his obscure accent to his egomaniacal sense of humor, he really hits the mark. Watching him have his devious brand of fun as he commits his random acts of criminal mischief brings up the thrill factor as he expresses disproportionate amounts of excitement about his scandalous “scientific” endeavors.
On to the action, the sequences are done so terribly bad that it becomes extremely enjoyable to sit and take in. The way the characters maneuver about the tropical terrain is so haphazard that, at times, it seems impossible for them to have survived their encounters. In one particular scene, our good guys are making their way onto known enemy turf in broad daylight with little cover and are met with a shocking sense of disbelief when they are attacked prior to breaching the compound. It’s rather asinine, but when you see it unfolding before you (especially following badass first kill) it becomes totally worth it. All the way through the movie, witnessing everything seem to fall apart on all fronts turns out to be an amazing show of ultimate cluster fuck. Oh, and trust me, the final battle is as amazing as watching a high speed train wreck in super slow motion.
The pain… The emotion… The ending after the ending… It’s spectacular.
While the film’s title tells somewhat of a lie – Philip Ryan is an ex-cop when he is turned into a cyborg – the film is right up there with some of the best cult classic-like films. It’s got everything you can ask for - and a bit more - and it isn’t a complete eyesore or brain fuck to watch. Jack Ryan is a badass in his own right and he is perfectly matched with a maniacal villain that can stand his ground against him. I’m going to go ahead and suggest that you take a stab at this one, as little goes awry in this low budget shit show of a movie.
Deuces.
Follow me on Twitter.
