So far I’ve brought you DARK ANGEL/I COME IN PEACE and HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP, two films that are so righteously horrible that they go full circle and wind up in the realm of being somewhat awesome. They are both near perfect specimens of low budget garbage gone great and proof that it doesn’t take superb script writing or a Michael Bay budget to give the viewing audience something to savor. Furthermore, they are proof that some films are truly capable of standing the test of time. Having watched these classics in the past, I remember the each moment that I first indulged in these atrocities and, upon viewing them once more, I can surely tell you that the positive feelings I had for them have held true upon their re-watching.
Trying to bring you something a bit more current, this week I stumbled across a film that gave me the exact opposite sentiments as those I’d had in these previous weeks. In all honesty, I had so much fun with HUMANOIDS that I instantly bought into the “Roger Corman Presents” located directly above the art on this straight-to-home release. I found the cover’s omnipresent webbing to be almost as intriguing as the arachnids crawling all over the bloody, shrieking human face. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. This week I had the misfortune of diving head first into the sci-fi “horror” known to the world as CAMEL SPIDERS.
Camel spiders are apparently a real phenomenon, a large species of arachnid present in warm, arid habitats. As any educated journalist would, I took it upon myself to do a bit of research on the topic at hand, but as any lazy ass would, all I wound up doing was phoning a friend. Luckily this friend happened to have had a brief military stay in Iraq during the recent combat situation overseas and knew of the beasts and their voracity, yet unluckily, this friend had neither seen one nor knew of anybody who had. I made him watch the opening scenes of the film with me and upon catching a glimpse of the critters, he laughed, shook his head and walked away muttering, “Hollywood.” I took that as the film’s representation of the creature to be bullshit, but I’ll digress.
CAMEL SPIDERS, the film, is ultimately a story about large, supplanted spiders going crazy in a small desert town in the southwestern US. It tells the tale from two angles, one following the members of the military responsible for bringing the beasts into town and the other chronicling the mayhem with a group of horny college kids who’ve ventured out into the middle of nowhere to fondle each other’s supplementary parts.
Now, whereas the story could have set up for an amazing romp, what winds up happening is nothing of the sort.
From the moment you see the things, all suspensions of belief are totally off. The titular insectoids look ridiculous. Obviously composed CGI – and I’m talking bad… the most horrendous display of graphics I’ve ever seen outside of my undergrad production classes – every aspect of the animals is unrealistic. From their crawl to the way they interact with their environment, it’s almost an early game forfeit. Now, if that isn’t bad enough, the filmmakers took it upon themselves to compose the transport helicopters, which plague the skies for the early portions of the film, with the same shitty graphics. To say this, too, is disorienting from the enjoyment of the opening segments of the film would be an understatement, but somehow it was seen fit, and this is somehow only the start of the problems that wind up plaguing the film.
Beyond the visuals being horrible, the characters and spiders alike are totally one dimensional and boring. Typically, this isn’t an insult – and oftentimes is praise - for b-movies of this nature, but somehow watching person after person randomly encounter CGI spiders that just attack their faces to the tune of splashing CGI blood becomes repetitive. Furthermore, the fact that this is typically the only interaction the spiders have with anybody and/or anything makes it almost seem as though they are, in fact, hiding from their human victims and only becoming violent as a means of survival. CAMEL SPIDERS should have had me either scared for my life and/or laughing throughout the arachnid encounters, yet I found myself struggling to stay awake for the majority of the film’s 80-minute run. It’s a total shit show, and this may be one of the few times I use that term in a negative manner.
As it stands, I’ve definitely gotta step my game up. They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, and that might be the case, but I definitely need to be able to spot abominations like this before I invest my time in it. This is truly unnecessity incarnate. Not only is it bad from a general standpoint, but also it has no other redeeming value that gives some of these other films of the variety the cult followings they have.
At the end of the day a film like this has to have unwarranted amounts of violence & vulgarity, a horde of bare-ass naked chicks and/or a ridiculously designed rubber costume to even substantiate it’s fare. Sadly, this film has none of the above and suffers for this thoroughly. Given the project was helmed by Jim Wynorski, a director known for Showtime soft-core shit like CLEAVAGEFIELD and THE BARE WENCH PROJECT, I should’ve known this was going to be a nightmare. It’s truly sad to see the Corman name affixed to this one, even if only under the “Presents” banner, but given his past successes and probable non-involvement at all with the production of this project, I shall forgive him… if he promises to make me a sequel to HUMANOIDS that doesn’t totally suck ass.
Deuces.
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