Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here. Another message waiting for me when I returned from Vegas was from fellow criminal mastermind Harry Lime, who had been brooding over a screening we attended together just a short while back. I had already decided not to write about this film, but I'm glad Lime did. I think he really articulated the problems it has, and I share many of his views about horror in general. You can take this one to the bank.
What is it about white kids that make them such great zombie fodder?
I've seen a lot of horror movies. Although I can't back it up with proper documentation, one might even call me an authority in this field. When I was a little kid, my dad and I would stay up every Saturday night and watch "Chiller Theater" hosted by Bill Cardill. "Chilly Billy," as he's called, is a locale celebrity in Pittsburgh and even had a small part in both George A. Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD as well as Tom Savini's well-intentioned remake. This is when I developed my soft spot for 50's B monster movies. Although my mother wasn't very happy about it, and looking back on it I understand why, this was a crucial stage in my horror movie education.
In my teens, the miracle of home video made it possible for me to play catch up with all the R-rated "spam in a cabin" flicks of the 1970's that I had missed because I was a just little too young to catch them theatrically. I must have watched THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASACRE about fifty times. It's absolutely one of the finest American films ever made. If NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD is the CITIZEN KANE of modern gore, then CHAINSAW is the EASY RIDER. I also watched a lot of crap, but that goes with the territory. You can't help but step on a few turds while getting to good stuff like DAWN OF THE DEAD, THE EXORCIST, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, and the original NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.
Knowing my taste for this kind of stuff, Moriarty thought it would be cool to take me to a recent screening of a new demon flick called THE CONVENT. If not for me, I think Moriarty might have skipped this one. He heard it was an EVIL DEAD 2 style midnight movie that played well at Sundance. A while back, we went to a midnight showing of Lucio Fulci's THE BEYOND at the Sunset 5. The restoration work was phenomenal, but what really made the outing worthwhile was getting these groovy eyeball toys at the door. He informed me that they probably wouldn't be handing out souvenirs at THE CONVENT, but that it wouldn't cost me anything to see the film. I'm always up for a new horror flick, especially a free one, so it didn't take much coercing to get my coat on.
The movie starts with a great scene set in 1960. A young girl with jet-black hair and dark sunglasses enters a convent carrying heavy artillery and a large can of gasoline. It's obvious she hasn't come to confess. With a face like a mask, she proceeds to blow away a priest and a group of nuns, then douse the room with the gasoline and set it ablaze. This is all done to a classic rock n roll song (although I can't quite recall which one). The scene is perfect, filled with potent imagery. I felt a grin creep across my face as I remembered sitting in a theater thirteen years earlier for my initial viewing of EVIL DEAD 2 at a midnight show in Brandon, Florida. I thought to myself: Am I witnessing the birth of a new horror classic? Is this a film I'll always own a copy of and get evangelical about at the drop of a hat?
Sadly, it ain't.
After that wicked, confident first scene, the movie flashes forward forty years to the present where it derails immediately. We're introduced to a distracting group of college students who jump into a jeep to go check out the old convent that they hear is haunted by the souls of the murdered nuns and priest. There's the Goth chick, the stuck up cheerleader, the squeaky-clean football star, the wisecracking stoner, and a nerdy virgin whose two goals are to stay alive and get laid. The film's lead character, played by the cute Megahn Perry, is a goodie-goodie girl who used to be best friends with the Goth chick before dumping her weird friends and joining the "in" crowd. It's like Dario Argento's THE BREAKFAST CLUB.
Given the above scenario, you don't have to be Bruce Campbell to know where this one's going. They break into the convent, the stoner tries to make it with the Goth chick, some spooky shit goes down, and the spirits of the dead nuns and priest are unleashed and possess the kids one by one. As all this is going on, there's a large amount of alleged comic relief incorporated intended to keep us laughing between screams. As if the stoner and the nerdy virgin weren't enough, two prissy Satan worshipers and their big-boobed cronies also break in to perform a sacrificial ceremony. They end up driving a dagger into the Goth Chick's chest, which sets off a chain reaction that gives the convent's evil spirits license to possess the living! Chris Kattan's Floridian Satan worshiper from SNL is genius compared to this stuff. Moriarty turned to me and apologized at least a dozen times during the movie.
The tone of the film is somewhere between RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD and DEMONS, but it's no where near as slick as RETURN and not even half as gory as DEMONS. Although it's obvious some talented people put in the time on design, I didn't think the film had a very clever visual style. For a movie like this, it's vital. Even with Bruce Campbell's career defining performance, the EVIL DEAD movies would have been hard to sit through if it had not been for Sam Raimi's fiendishly original eye. Here, director Mike Mendez can't seem to find his voice. I am curious, though, where this movie will take him. Remember, Oliver Stone made THE HAND and Wes Craven's early work resembles low-grade snuff more than horror. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
The film has a couple cameos, as well. When two security guards catch the kids midway through the film and haul them outside, we find that one of the guards is world-renowned recording artist Coolio, who proceeds to berate the group for being stupid and white (or so it seemed). During the whole movie, my attention kept shifting to the guy with crazy hair seated directly in front of me. When the movie ended and the lights came up, I learned that it was none other than Coolio himself. Thank god he didn't ask me what I thought of his performance. Although he's quite energetic in the role, he's just not that funny. On the other hand, the music track he provides for the film's closing credits is quite fitting.
The other cameo is by Adrienne Barbeau, who shows up near the beginning of act three as the adult version of the trigger-happy girl from the opening scene. Megahn's character enlists her to help fight the demons since it was she who originally blew the hell out of them back in 1960. It's in this scene that the urban legend of what took place that night gets dispelled and we learn what really happened. She tackles the monologue with a been-there done-that gruffness befitting of a former scream queen who survived the THE FOG, SWAMP THING, and marriage to John Carpenter. She comes in, she kicks a little ass, and then she leaves. I ain't got no problem with Ms. Barbeau.
After seeing THE CONVENT, I had originally decided to not write a review. It's a tiny movie and I don't enjoy beating them up. Usually, I like to save up the venom for Renny Harlin style indoor bullstuff. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. It's movies like this that keeps low budget horror in the cinematic ghetto. It's because of movies like this that people look at you like you farted when you tell them EVIL DEAD 2 is a great film. Don't get suckered into this one. Take your money and spend it on another independent film if you feel the need to get rid of it. If you really have to see it, though, wait until Cinemax is showing it at 2 am. If you do, I promise you won't be disappointed.
