Hello ladies and gentlemen, Muldoon here with this week’s toe dipped in the WTF catalog of Hollywood currently streaming online at Netflix Instant. Seriously, I don’t get any kind of kick back/any money or anything from the folks over there, but holy hell what a massive and constantly growing collection of goodies at my/your finger tips. I make a point to check out at least a flick a day and with your help, I’ve witnessed a heavy amount of head scratchingly odd movies.
Before we get too much into today’s bit of fun, a decent number of you fine folks have brought up some great points about the column - I so very much want to point out WTF HOLLYWOOD is not “Lolz. This movie sucks, let’s all just make fun of it” or “Haha, films from the 80’s have silly music and hairstyles.” What is it then? Simple: “How did this film happen?” So I’ll be looking to beef up the background of the films and do a little digging to actually get that answered.
Enough non-movie, let’s get on to the amazingness that is 1986’s SOLARBABIES!
So WTF is SOLARBABIES about?
Set in a post-apocalyptic future, the film picks up with a dried out Earth. After nuclear war dries up the ocean, what’s left is an endless wasteland of sand, dirt, and roller-skating badasses. (Think of a reverse WATERWORLD.) Obviously in this world water = power/money/life and is controlled by an evil group of super elites at a company called “E-Protecorate.” The group takes kiddos and sticks them in an orphanage compound where they’re trained in the ways of policing. “Skateball,” a popular rugby type roller skating basketball kind of game is apparently a big part of their world and here’s where our wacky cast of kids who make up The Solarbabies fit into the mix.
The group’s made up of a few LOST BOYS faces with the insanely gorgeous Jami Gertz and Michael himself: Mr. Jason Patric leading the pack. The film kicks off with a tossed together Skateball game getting busted up and scattering the Solarbabies. The youngest of the group, and also the deafest, takes shelter in a mineshaft where he finds a magical glowing ball that cures his hearing. So four minutes into the movie you find out the kid’s deaf and then a minute later he’s healed by this globe named Bodhi.
The rest of film pretty much is how the Solarbabies use Bodhi to fight the mean corporate nasties at E-Protecorate who want to capture the ball for their own twisted plans.
So how did this get made?
ROAD WARRIOR baby. Bam! Mel Gibson’s first massive role kicked off quite a few post apocalyptic films in the 80’s and more than likely this little flick right here is a direct rip off, intentional or not. Toss in roller skates and a group of attractive young people and there you go.
With a budget of eight million smackers, director Alan Johnson made what I consider a fun little piece of background noise. The flick hit screens November 26, 1986 and received a hefty amount of negativeness from critics:
“All I was left with, at the end, was sympathy for the actors and technicians who worked so hard and endured such physical hardship on behalf of producers who couldn't be bothered to supply them with something worth doing.” – Roger Ebert
“"An appalling stinker; the 1980's teen jargon doesn't exactly capture the futuristic mood of this junk."” – Leonard Maltin
But is the movie really that bad? No, not at all – I actually enjoyed it and found the design work rather impressive. (In fact, in this movie you actually see a hand essentially decompose right on screen with some pretty clean stop motion.) I think it’s a fun flick, but then again I seem to enjoy what the big dogs don’t seem to. You might want to check it out if you’re into any of the following:
- Roller skates with flashlights strapped onto them- Dogs with flashlights strapped onto them
- Weapons with flashlights strapped onto them
- A film with an inanimate object who doesn’t talk as the zany best friend of a little boy that actually ends up saving the world.
- The onslaught of sitcom-style music that never really fits in with anything going on. Imagine the theme from FRAISER during an action scene…
- A guy covered by thousands of ants
- Giant expensive set pieces that really are kind of awesome
- A guy pole-vaulting over a fence with roller skates on
- Motorcycles that explode when touched
SOLARBABIES is an enjoyable piece of popcorn fun that absolutely rips off every 80’s flick that was popular at the time and has truckloads of clichés, but I’d say it’s totally worth checking out if you haven’t done so already. If you have, why not go revisit it while it’s up on Netflix Instant?
As always, feel free to shoot me any ideas you might have for a future WTF Hollywood column (just put “WTF” in the subject line somewhere) or if you were at all a part of the production on this film and feel like chatting – I’d love the opportunity to talk with you!
- Mike McCutchen
“Muldoon”
Mike@aintitcool.com
