Sigh... youth. Hey folks, Harry here. And Quint, the below reviewer doesn't seem to know who Keith David is. DUDE! THE THING... HELLO.... JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING! Sigh... Every fanboy on the planet is supposed to know who Keith David is. Quint.... Drop and give us 2000 you crusty Seaman! Here ya go folks, Quint's spoiler free look at PITCH BLACK...
Ahoy there, Constant Readers! The Ol' Crusty Seaman is back once again, this time to add my voice to the growing chorus of those lucky geeks that have gotten an early look at Pitch Black. Special thanks go to Harry for getting Pitch Black to premiere at Butt-Numb-A-Thon (thus allowing my salty ass to see it early) and for bringing out Vin Diesel, the film's star, as well. That double whammy of seeing a kick-ass movie months early and then meeting the star of said movie will be one of those life stories I'll be telling to Brody and Hooper after the celebratory showing off of the scars. I think they're tired of my Indianapolis story anyhow.
Anyway, you might know the plot of Pitch Black already and if you don't... well, I suggest you keep it that way. Stay pure. I'm serious, don't pop your cherry if you can help it. I went into the movie knowing next to nothing about it, but, due to Harry's constant sputterings of the coolness of the film, I had high expectations. I was not disappointed. I think the less you know about this movie, the more your ass will be kicked by it.
My dad once told me a story, back when I was a young seaman, about him going to a movie theater with a group of friends and then realizing that he had no idea what any of the movies at this particular theater were. He was lured into a particular movie based solely on the poster and the title, again not knowing the slightest bit about the movie. That movie was Alien and it is still one of my dad's favorite moviegoing experiences.
Asses in the seats is what this movie needs. Why? Because I'm a greedy fuck. I want more! Harry was right, movies are my drugs, too. Pitch Black is the shit that makes your heart beat a thousand miles a minute, that gets you to a high you don't want to ever come down from. If Pitch Black is the good shit, we want to keep that good shit coming! What easier way than to get the pusher-man to notice that we like this good shit. Tell him. Let it be known. "Hey, Pusha Man! Give us more!" We all know that most studio execs pay attention to one thing only, BOTTOM LINE. BOX OFFICE. MONEY. I want more movies like Pitch Black! More Balls-to-the-wall, hard edged sci-fi flicks! I know it's in their nature to fuck things up, but if they keep going for the just plain fun and coolness that Pitch Black has to offer, then I'm willing to see the 4 or 5 awful rip-offs that'll come out to find that 1 that will be better than all.
To keep the drug/movie analogy going, Pitch Black is fun exhilarating high. It's not the reflective, looking deep within yourself and finding your inner peace type of drug. It's not the "Ohhhmmmm..... ohhhmmmm...." shit. It's more like, "holyfuckwhatthefuckisthisshitmanthisissomefuckedupshitbut goddamnifitisntaweso me!"
All right, enough of that. Let's get on to some of the reasons Pitch Black will rock your world. The main reason, for me personally, is Vin Diesel. Scene stealer. Pitch Black wouldn't be Pitch Black without Vin in it. It's like Terminator wouldn't have been Terminator without Arnie. Sometimes there's a man, and I'm talking about Vin here, sometimes there's a man that's just the man for his time and place. Sometimes there's a man..... oh, I lost my train of thought...
Back to the point, Vin (who most know as the voice of The Iron Giant), is just the epitome of cool in this flick. If the movie gods are smiling, then you will see a lot more of Vin in the future. He has the look, he has the style and he has the talent. He is just too bad-ass in this movie to go unrecognized for long.
All the other characters are wonderfully portrayed as well. Lot's of familiar faces, but I doubt you could put a name to most of the actors. For instance: The guy who played Mary's father in Something About Mary is in it. What the fuck is his name? I don't know! But Goddamn if he isn't one of those faces you see in films and go, "Where the hell do I know that guy from!?!?" But, all the actors do their characters justice, with Vin as the standout.
Now, even with all that praise, I will say that the film isn't perfect. Some of the creature CGI work is.... Noticeably CGI. It's not bad work, just noticeable. That's just on some of the creature stuff, though. There is other creature work that is just breathtaking. Then there's the planet and space effects that make your eyes bulge and your mouth hang open a little bit.
Much praise goes to the director, as well as cinematographer, actors, screenwriters, effects supervisors/designers, wardrobe, hair and make-up, grips, bestboys, composer and everybody else that worked on this movie.
Pitch Black is made for fun of it all. It's purpose isn't to make you discover your innerchild or become entranced by the intricate plot weavings. It's purpose is to be entertaining! To tell the audience, "I'm gonna take you on a ride. Hold on tight!" Exactly. It's a rollercoaster of a movie. Because the movie is made for the fun and thrill of it all, it'll turn off the more "straight" people. "What? What is this ludicrousness? I want my film! Not this moooovie shenanigans!"
Go see this movie. Have fun. Afterall, what are movies for?
-Quint
