Hey folks, Harry here. Sometimes Tim League at the Alamo Drafthouse holds special Three-day Three-Movie Film Festivals. This HIGH TIMES FILM FESTIVAL was one of them. I attended the first night of it, but didn't enter the Stoner Olympics. Strangely enough, I have some funny thoughts about the futility of such an endeavor. First, no real Stoner could be properly motivated to leave the house to attend such an event unless a lifetime supply of Mary Jane and her leafy friends were the prize... and this was not a prize. Second, no jedi master of a Stoner would arrive for fear of the fuzz or photographic instruments recording their identity. Third, Stoners do not perform well in timed events. Fourth, I forgot the fourth one. Fifth, No super Stoner would have gone to the event because... well they'd be at home reading their collection of FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS comix and discovering sacred truths of the universe. Or so I speculate. The events were in jest and for fun. Enjoy Joad and Kellerman's report...
Tom Joad and Annette Kellerman here, to spread the word on a recent event that was held here in Austin. Last weekend, the Alamo Drafthouse, in association with High Times Magazine and Planet K head shops, hosted the inaugural Stoner of the Year Olympics.
Yes, you read correctly, the Stoner of the Year Olympics. Now, not that we condone that sort of activity… at all. Smoking marijuana is bad, m-kay… and we know this. But it sure was a damn good time.
Tim League, the owner of the Alamo, ingeniously engineered a weekend of competition and film in order to “weed” out Austin’s true stoner of the year. It went a little something like this…
THURSDAY – CIGARETTE ROLLING COMPETITION w/ DRUGSTORE COWBOY
Five contestants took the stage armed with little more than rolling papers, tobacco and their extensive knowledge of joint rolling techniques.
The event was judged by Pot Star of HIGH TIMES magazine, Tony Scalzo, the lead singer of FASTBALL, Jerry Don Clark of the film ROCK OPERA, as well as various local authorities on the art of rolling.
The contestants were given five minutes to roll, and the competition was fast and furious. In the end, each was judged on quality, quantity and creativity.
Some competitors offered your basic j-jimmy jams with the only female contender contributing four perfectly rolled joints. One guy impressed the crowd with a variety of classic hoglegs, while another awed us with his mastery of the two-pronged wonder.
Without dispute, the blue ribbon for the night belonged to some ol’ boy who magically produced two perfectly packed cones of tobacco. We were quite impressed, not that we smoke weed or anything… but it was a sight to behold.
Need we actually say anything about DRUGSTORE COWBOY? Okay. Brilliant.
FRIDAY: PIZZA EATING CONTEST & ALTERED STATES
The competition on Friday was pretty weak. Only four contestants braved the twin towers of pizza prepared by the Alamo cooks. None of the previous night’s competitors even showed up. Of course… they’re stoners…
In the five minutes allotted for gorging, the winner consumed less than two full pies. And we’re only talking 8” pizzas here folks. I (Annette) know from personal experience that I can inhale at LEAST two of these babies in one sitting. And no, I’m not the fat hoss that some of you envision. But neither of us entered the competition, so we shouldn’t really be talking shit here.
Altered States was pretty cool. Bill Hurt was overly intent as usual, but Ken Russell definitely leads you down paths unforeseen. Kudos to Ken in what I (Tom) believe to be his best film to date.
Fantastic viewing pleasure for the stoned. Not that we get stoned…
SATURDAY: WATER PIPE BUILDING & NICE DREAMS
Whoa. This is the night that was worth waiting for! Tim had three tables set up on stage completely littered with everything one would need to create a homemade water pipe. Blowtorches, hot glue guns, PVC joints, a rubber duck and an array of 2-liter bottles, hacksaws, popcorn containers and a baby doll (just to name a few). This was MacGuyver’s wet dream come true.
Five contestants mounted the stage for ten minutes to attempt the construction of a homemade water pipe. The pipes not only had to be fully functional, but also aesthetically pleasing.
The stage was crazed pandemonium as all five competitors fought for the items they needed. One guy began work on a milk jug pipe, one girl went to work on a rubber duck while another began drilling a hole in the stomach of a baby doll. When the dust settled, the winner proudly held his converted squirt bottle above his head. The winning pipe was easily the best constructed, but personally, we both would have made the baby doll bong a reality. Not that we’ve ever made homemade bongs or anything...
Easily the best and most logical film of the fest was Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams. Obviously, this one was well received.
All in all, an eventful weekend that we thought you would get a kick out of. Just another reason for each of you readers to plan to relocate to the capitol of Texas. But really, we’re just interested to see what kind of TalkBack this little ditty attracts.
Tom & Annette
