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If Harry were in High School & PIRANHA 3D were on HBO... I woulda ruined alot of socks to this

I was going to sleep, then write this up tomorrow (aka later today) but dammit... I can't quite sleep just yet, the brain is slightly revved from a double bill of completely radically different horror films whose only connecting thread is Eli Roth. I'll write about THE LAST EXORCISM tomorrow, the film he produced... Tonight... right now, I'm here to write about how Eli Roth followed up his SAG AWARD WINNING ENSEMBLE performance in INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS - to play a man judging a wet t-shirt contest in PIRANHA 3D. Ya know... I can't argue with how he abused his new found cred. I think spending a day or two surrounded by crazy fit naked or bikini wearing babes... while you get to spray them down... Laurence Olivier never had that chance? What about Alec Guinness? Nope. In fact, I'm not sure of my facts... but Eli might be the first SAG award winning actor to play a Wet T-Shirt Contest Judge... And ya know what. I believed it. I believed he was wetting down those T-Shirts - because I saw how the white material just melted away to reveal a shit ton of fake boobies with pert nipples. Maybe 30 girls. Just in the contest - not counting the HUNDREDS in Bikinis on all sides of the frame, no matter where the camera turned... be it in a helicopter, underwater, on a crane, in a speedboat... there were tits to be judged by us the audience members watching this film. Directed by the crazy French bastard behind HAUTE TENSION, which I love... and when you think of his HILLS HAVE EYES remake and that MIRRORS film... he created a trio of beautifully shot - tonally serious horror films. This time out, Alex Aja has decided to make a teenager - spring break lovers' wet dream of a 3D HORROR Softcore masturbation fantasy. I can only assume that the MPAA was giggling so much that they missed the 5 minutes or so of naked Annette Kellerman/Esther Williams underwater ballet with carnal passion. I mean... you have two underage teen characters that got on, essentially... THE BANG BOAT. Doing bodyshots with lesbian kisses. But really... let's go back to that water ballet. I really truly felt that it could very well be one of the most beautifully constructed cinematic moments in history that will be a centerpiece upon Mr Skin dot com. This film fully embraces the absurdity of PIRANHA. I still prefer Joe Dante's original... but it is miles better than PIRANHA 2: THE SPAWNING which was only partially directed by James Cameron. But Aja's version... The gore is pretty fucking insane. The tits, the split-tail, the cock... its all there. And more. I do need to warn those of you that can't handle puking scenes... this has a pretty aggressive one... in 3D. That reminds me, I saw Scott Weinberg complaining about the 3D on Twitter... Actually with the exception of the Titles at the beginning - it worked cheesily well with the film. Of course, I was at the Alamo Drafthouse South - whose 3D has been personally tweaked by James Cameron's techies for optimal perfection - and has been left alone since. The result is a screen that has the ideal brightness - which is key when choosing a 3D theater. Sadly - that isn't always the case - so your miles may vary on the 3D. In Austin - at the Alamo South - I can say thumbs up for epic titties in 3D. Sadly, Miss Adventures in Babysitting... we don't see busting out. As she's playing the Sheriff - with the Son on the Bang Boat and the little kids on this little island needing to be rescued. The best performance by far belongs to the two naked chicks doing the underwater ballet. Nominate this film for BEST COSTUME DESIGN - brilliant costume design. Seriously. Do we really need to award that award based upon yards of cloth used in Victorian times - or do we judge the absolute perfect minimalism that was exhibited in this film. It is time for Sanja Milkovic Hays to thank the Academy. But outside the European Artsy Fartsy nude underwater ballet chicks - the best performance belongs to Christopher Lloyd. He's epic. Hearing ol Doc Brown exclaim crazily about the Piranhas - Joy. At least 5 times in his opening scene the audience applauded... not Christopher Lloyd's tits - but his oratory prowess. Exclamations that make you wonder... Why isn't he President of the United States. I was willing to vote for him based solely upon his work on TAXI. But here - I won't deny there's simply a nostalgic kneejerk expression of love for Lloyd. But also... he rules. Then there's Richard Dreyfuss' "could be Hooper" performance - and while I must admit, the audience was crazy enthusiastic about him... I was hoping there would be more of him. The PIRANHA are never real. These are epic prehistoric piranha. But they are animated to be closer to GREMLINS than predatory cock & tit eating Jesus symbols... There's no way you can talk about the film without going gore gaga over the main attack that hits during the Wet T-Shirt contest. I'm relatively positive that this film used more blood than any film in film history. I'm thinking Elevator scene in THE SHINING... times 3000. More than that though was the crazy awesome gore by KNB. There's crazy awesome make-up effects here that just don't stop. For every moment that the CG fish get on your nerves, there's 6 gore gags by KNB that are just epic. But is it a good film. Before the film, Eli did an impersonation of Aja's intentions in making this film as described at a certain get together of a few members of the SPLAT PACK... and the word, "Guilty Pleazhure" came out of Eli's frenchy best Aja speaking mouth. "The guilt will cause exquisite pleazhure. The pleazhure of guilT!" This is that film. You can't describe the movie as great... other than the underwater naked makeout ballet... which I have to say isn't quite at RED SHOES levels. But it is way easier to pound one out to. As I was saying, you can't describe the movie as great, but you could possibly have a great time with it. If you don't want to see something goofily ridiculous... then don't drop the change on the movie. But if you and your friends want to laugh at the utter absurdity of prehistoric piranhas chewing through a woman's face and out her mouth... or what is left of a Playboy Playmate's body that can float... or any numbers of other absurdist goofy, ridiculously unlikely scenarios and situations... well then, this is a pretty great time. Just don't expect to see it anywhere near Oscar time... unless it is for Sanja Milkovic Hays' brilliant minimalistic costume design. Cuz that folks... that is fucking art. Good night and dream of 3D boobies by the bushel. That's what this movie is all about! Oh - and gore. Lots of it. And gremlin fish. And body shots... both meanings of that.

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