Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
Do you know how awful the new Jason Bateman-Jennifer Aniston comedy THE SWITCH is? It's so awful that even the official synopsis is a lie. Here's how it reads: "An unmarried 40-year-old woman turns to a turkey baster in order to become pregnant. Seven years later, she reunites with her best friend, who has been living with a secret: he replaced her preferred sperm sample with his own." And, no, the lie is not that Aniston is actually 41 (more like 41 and a half). The lie comes (pardon the pun) in the second sentence. Bateman's character Wally is not "living with a secret" because he was so drunk when the titular switch was made that he didn't remember doing it until a combination of meeting Kassie's (Aniston) son and his co-worker (Jeff Goldblum) reminding him of some drunken mumblings said the night of the seed swapping triggers the memory. Got it? Now, please stop the lies.
But none of this matters. You know why? Because this movie is fucking awful, and I don't know if there's one thing I can point to to put the blame on. Initially, I wanted to lay blame at the feet of screenwriter Allan Loeb, but he's usually a pretty reliable scribe with such works as THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE, 21, and the upcoming WALL STREET sequel, which I'm hearing strong things about. And then there's the temptation to blame co-directors Josh Gordon and Will Speck (who also made BLADES OF GLORY). That might be closer to pointing the finger in the right direction, until I look at the cast, all of whom should have known better. Come on, people. This is a comedy in which sperm is the key focal point. You couldn't have guessed this might not have turned out strong, really?
I realize that Bateman is playing a character riddled with anxieties, phobias, and unpleasant personality traits, but I'm guessing that the real reason he looks so miserable for the duration of THE SWITCH is because he agreed to be in it...or he lost a bet and has to be in it. Either way... I will say that Aniston does a better job convincing me she actually wanted to make this movie. But for Christ's sake, woman, does it really take someone with PhD to figure out how a movie in which a man and a woman are best friends is going to end. We all saw that Rob Reiner film where the old lady wants what she's having; it's no mystery. And we're supposed to buy that the reason Wally doesn't tell Kassie that he wants to be the father of her baby (rather than an anonymous donor) or that he loves her is because he's too rattled a human being to do so. Give me a sideways fucking break. How many times do we have to see this scenario before people rise up and take back the romantic sperm comedy genre?
Coming out of this film slightly less scathed is Patrick Wilson as the donor, who actually turns out to be the perfect guy in terms of looks, build, and alpha-male tendencies. Wilson hasn't done much comedy, but after seeing him in a yet-to-be-released BARRY MUNDAY, it's clear the guy has a gift for making people laugh. He's not given much to work with here, but he pulls out something amusing nevertheless. Also in a few solid scenes is Jeff Goldblum, regretfully underused in THE SWITCH, but the man still has it. He has a way of delivering a line that makes me crack up every time. Wait, here's a menu for a Chinese restaurant, Goldblum; read it. Yep, still funny. No faring too well is Juliette Lewis playing Aniston's weirdly ordinary best friend/sidekick. You know the one I mean--she dishes out advice, leads no real life of her own, and supports her friend no matter how stupid her decisions may be. In most romantic comedies, the best friend often finds time to threaten the male lead's life if she breaks her friend's heart. I've never seen Lewis be less interesting than she is in this film. You have to really try to make that woman dull. Mission: Accomplished, idiots.
Every minute of THE SWITCH feels like it has grabbed you by the neck and is dragging you to its inevitable conclusion. But the biggest problem is that pretty much every single character--from Bateman and Aniston to newcomer Thomas Robinson, who has the great misfortune to play their demon seed--is varying degrees of unlikable. You can't have much of a romance or comedy without letting the audience enjoy the company of at least one of the main characters. As a result, much like the present Jason Bateman left in a sample cup, this movie is a big load.
-- Capone
capone@aintitcool.com
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